Jolt Country

Clash and I just... "broke up". Well, in actuality, he DUMPED me. I've never seen anything like this, ever.

We're doing our normal thing, exchanging emails at approximately three per minute for hours on end, all full of the same rich comedic content you've come to expect from us, and then all of a sudden we get into a political argument. Well, not so much an argument, as:

Ben: "Yeah, the world's going to hell, whaddya gonna do about it?"

Clash: "How the fuck can you say that? This is a key moment in history and it's this same kind of apathy and lack of understanding that's causing all these problems in the first place!!!!"

Ben: "I LIKE PIE!!!!"

Clash: "SO YOU LIKE PIE!!?? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE UNJUST SLAUGHTER OF THOUSANDS OF IRAQI CITIZENS THAT THIS COUNTRY IS ABOUT TO BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!"

Ben: "I ALSO LIKE COWS!!"

And it went on like this for awhile until he explained to me that he no longer wishes to associate with me. Bam. Ten years of friendship down the drain.

The upshot of all of this is the following:

1. Clash will NOT be participating in Burger Wars II, as previously indicated.

2. I DO like pie, and also cows.

This is definitely very weird. I fear he might be close to the end! I was his last link to the world of sanity, and now he has cut that link!

Can a pool of blood be far behind?!!??!??!!?!??!!

This SUCKS.

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Ben: "I ALSO LIKE COWS!!"

Hee hee hee!

Don't fret, m'man. You can still go slumming with your pal Robb Sherwin.

Oh yeah? Are you gonna reply to my one-off spontaneous emails within five minutes of when I send them, regardless of when I send them?

Are you gonna go to Vegas with me and hang out at bars looking at all the gorgeous women and trying to devise ever-more-painless ways of committing suicide in the notion that we'll never have a shot at any of them?

ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELF MIXING BLENDER DRINKS!?!!?!??!?!

It's just not the same.

This is so fucking stupid. He's drunk, for one thing, so I hope he wakes up in the morning and goes: "good god, what did I just DO!??!?!?!?!!?!?!"

Then he'll ask to have me back, and you know what I'm gonna say? "I'm afraid I can't consort with those who think so little of me at heart." HAH! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!!!???!!?

Fucking IDIOT.

Are there any large, or maybe medium-large bears out there who might be willing to do a job for me?

Clash's last email to me:
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You've been killfiled, so I wouldn't bother to send me any more emails.

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Can you believe this? Bitch still owes me $500, and he's killfilling me. Killfiling ME. The one person in the history of the planet that killfiled me, and it's my supposed "best buddy".

You shoot me in a DREAM, you better wake up and apologize.

Ben wrote: Are there any large, or maybe medium-large bears out there who might be willing to do a job for me?

I can decapitate truckers in a single effortless swipe, according to Adam Cadre.

And you can come hang out at my place, and if you buy my plane tickets and booze I'll go to Vegas with you.

In the meantime, I suggest you get really, really drunk.

Oh, and go post to your LifeTrax, because, you know, that's what it's for.

And don't forget to TAKE STEPS.

Bruce

bruce wrote:And you can come hang out at my place, and if you buy my plane tickets and booze I'll go to Vegas with you.

Boy, you know, you sound a lot like...

A lot like CLASH!!!!

Ben wrote:

bruce wrote:And you can come hang out at my place, and if you buy my plane tickets and booze I'll go to Vegas with you.

Boy, you know, you sound a lot like...

A lot like CLASH!!!!

See? Then you already have a replacement friend. Who needs Clash? I can be a good friend if you keep buying me drinks. Unlike some people, I'm not the kind of drunk who gets pissed off by political arguments and then dumps you. No, I'm the kind of drunk who gets goofy, and then sloppy, and then maybe a little surly, and then passes out. Only rarely do I throw up when drinking.

Bruce

Motherfucker KILLFILED me.

That's just unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE.

You just don't know how unbelievable that is.

KILLFILED me. Porn spam, viagra spam, 50 REASONS WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN spam, "We hate you and we hope you never come back" email from his boss at Berkeley, that's all fine.

Ben Parrish? Killfiled. Like if he said, "Hey, don't send me any more emails ever," I'm gonna start pelting his inbox with "HAHAHAH U CANT STOP ME 10101001010010101101" letters. I thought we were civilized human beings here.

Killfiled by my boy.

"Hard to get happy after that one." - Latka Gravas

Well, I'm glad you have a sense of humor about it. I remember when a good friend of mine decided it'd be a good idea to e-mail me and tell me how he had secretly thought that I was a complete asshole for a couple years (but never had the balls to tell me). Every time I checked my inbox, it felt like someone had kicked me in the gut.

His name was "Doctor Nova."

Ok, not really. In any case, we're actually still friends, but I'll never really forgive him for it and it kind of destroyed my belief in 'best buddies.'

I agree, it's admirable how I can smile through the tears. But this whole episode is so ludicrous you can't help but laugh.

Dude ends a long-time, extremely close friendship because of an email conversation about garbage, between two drunk people. Yeah. Way to go.

Whoa, just got an email reply from him, replying to my "exit interview" email where I made sure we were square on some other arrangements. He replied very matter of factly. Hasn't quite come to his senses yet.

This is, without question, the dumbest episode of my entire life. This is like the "Attack of the Clones" of Ben Parrish's life.

Reminds me of that saying, "you just can't trust those dope-smoking slackers who got mauled by bears."

Who knows? Maybe he took some mushrooms or queludes or something. Clash is gonna wake up tomorrow and see what he has done and say something like, "Aargh! Bad trip!!! BAD TRIP!!!"

But you gotta admit that it's pretty funny that he kill-filed you.

Ben wrote:"We hate you and we hope you never come back" email from his boss at Berkeley, that's all fine.

Whoa! Did he get such a mail? Or is that just an example, for purely demonstrative purposes?

Whoa! Did he get such a mail? Or is that just an example, for purely demonstrative purposes?

That last thing.

Killfiled me. You know, I don't even think he DID killfile me, I think he just SAID that in an attempt to GET MY GOAT.

Well sir, THIS goat is playing HARD TO GET. My goat hasn't been gotten by a lot better goat-getters than you, chief.

Oh, BY THE WAY, the entire episode started when he forwarded an email to me that had a link to a story about how Jaguar had put a Clash song in their TV ad.

He was outraged.

I was not.

It just went from there.

Wait, what? Jaguar the CAR company put a song by the motherfucking Clash in one of their ads and you don't give a damn?

Which one was it? If it was any one but "Train in Vain" I would say that Clash might have a point here.

"London Calling", I believe.

AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I care about PIES, COWS, and SIMCITY 4000, in that order.

Anything else, don't bother me with it.

London Calling and you DON'T. GIVE. A. SHIT.

Huh. Wow. Unbelievable, this guy.

Your best pal has a legitimate point in all of this and you just tune him out with talk of pie? PIE, MOTHERFUCKER?

(JC Fun Fax: Tonight, I picked up a cherry frozen pie from my grocer's freezer for my brother and I to have. The instructions said to cook it between 65 and 75 minutes at 375 degrees. I cooked it for 55 minutes at whatever temperature I randomly dialed when I disinterestly turned the dial. Let me go on record and state that when you are given instructions on how to cook a frozen pie, these instructions are there to aid you, and not hinder you.)

But seriously, man, that's fucked up. London Calling hawking cars now. How can you not find that offensive?

I don't know much about Clash's music, so I'll stay out of that one. But, c'mon Ben, go hand out with your friend Tyrone; unless he's dead under a dumpster somewhere, you can still have fun without him and his large, or possibley medium-large bears.

Note: By "Hand out" I actually meant "Hang out", but due to the fact that this is an Emac, this was difficult to make clear.

However, Hand Out sounds more like charity-work, so you would go to heaven.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:But seriously, man, that's fucked up. London Calling hawking cars now. How can you not find that offensive?

Alright, that's it. Consider yourself killfiled.