Open Letter to Denver, CO Trick or Treaters

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Please don't burn my house down.

I have already acquiesced on the wrappers. I do admit to thoughtflly stroking my roguish, er, chin in April as I uncover another Nestle "Crunch" bar that you maggots threw under the leaves that I failed to rake. "Lo," says I, "those lovable miscreants! Another wrapper, hooooooo!" And then I chortle.

The wrappers are fine. What I'm asking you to do is not drop-kick the tiki torch.

I don't know whose idea it is (VitriolaX) (I'm hinting at whose idea it is) (which is Vitriola's) to put a large, very wieldy staff of fireballs directly in front of our house, but we can't change what's going to happen tomorrow. It will be out there. In the front lawn. Next to the house.

Near the... ah... the orbital spiders in the bushes. (NOTE: they might be called "orbit" or "orb" spiders, I'm not the expert here. Orbital spiders sounds more menacing, so we'll go with that and I'll turn post editing off) (again) I had forgotten about them. Well, you definitely don't want to do anything like take the tiki torch and wave it around the bushes, flushing the little unkillable bastards out as they fry in a delicious autumn crisp.

Autumn crisp! Fucking yummy!

Anyway, even though it would be the silver lining in the cloud, please don't. I will be getting "Good n' Plenty" and "Bit o' Honey" and giving it out to any Trick or Treater that seems to be older than four weeks old (confidential to V.X, Denver CO: please don't take this nonsense as meaning that you shouldn't totally still get candy at the Safeway tomorrow) and I am already drawing up a Google Spreadsheet on the Acceptable Losses. Here's a pie chart:




The orange part is how much Bit o' Honey I expect to be plastered to the side of the house. The green is the same, but for Good n' Plenty. The blue part is satisfied Trick or Treaters, which also happens to be the same percentage of four-week-old- TnTers / denizens without teeth. I find just ripping a chart off the Internet and letting the numbers coalesce to be much more convenient, and I appreciate you all running with me on this. But seriously, we have a big, exposed, side of the house that is so big a rocket hit it for the 4th of July, but totally bounced off. I would greatly prefer for it to not be covered in eggs, which unlike sugary treats, I won't lick clean.

Thank you, and have a great 2008 Halloween.

[Vitriola]

We also have a fire pit this year. I have 3 duralogs in the garage.

Ok, this is going to be a thing. Remember when you just wanted a small log for your apartment fireplace, and did the duralog thing, and it worked? It's like Kleenex. Now there are about 50 brands out there that are competing for the title. I bought 3 of them. This year, in the front yard, we will be featuring: the coffee log! the extended duraflame! and the Albertson's log! Who will be the winner?

[hygraed]

Good 'n' Plenty are awesome and any kid should be happy to get them.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

They have made up my "Axis of Evil" when it comes to Halloween Candy. Bit o' Honey, Good n' Plenty and pennies.

hygraed, I now present the question to you (and all JC readers)... what are (or, were) your three most hated bits of Halloween candy???

In fact, if you all respond I'll throw together the responses in an article, with sidebar commentary from Worm, the Milker and the video game "Plaque Attack." Unlike the Presidents article, this will actually happen.

[Jack Straw]

Candy corn. What a waste of space in my bucket 'o shwag.
I usually threw it back on the cheap bastard's roof if they tried to pass that crap off.

Now, reese's cup - that's where it's at. Reeses giveawayers get an automatic reacharound.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I love candy corn. I fuckin' love it. This is the first year where I have realized that it is truly despised by many other people.

[gsdgsd]

what are (or, were) your three most hated bits of Halloween candy???

Anything with coconut. Mounds and Almond Joy were a recipe for sorrow.

[hygraed]

hygraed, I now present the question to you (and all JC readers)... what are (or, were) your three most hated bits of Halloween candy???

My dad loves Bit'o'Honey, so I pretend to enjoy it to humor him, but in reality I can't stand the way it comes apart into little squishy bits in my mouth. It's like half-chewed peanuts, and if I wanted to eat that I would just eat some damn peanuts.

I also hate those little gummy snacks that are all leathery on the outside and mealy on the inside. If it's more elastic, like gummy worms, I'm down, but the little mealy ones are awful.

However, the winner of the Bad Candy I Have Received contest is the tequila-flavored lollipop my uncle gave me when I was eleven. It was the absolute nastiest thing I have ever put in my mouth (shut up).

[Bugs]

Candy corn = Nasty Crap. Lewis Black does a great bit about candy corn.

Good-n-Plentys were like black licorice wrapped in spearmint gum, right? Bleh. Good-n-Fruitys were delish, though.

Three Musketeers always bugged me out, too. My wife says, "What? It's nougat! That's like the fuzzy part of the Snickers!" Way to sell it, babe.

[Bugs]

Lewis Black does a great bit about candy corn.

God, I love teh interweb.

[youtube][/youtube]

[Bugs]

Now, reese's cup - that's where it's at. Reeses giveawayers get an automatic reacharound.

Yeah, dude, until you have a reese's egg, or whatever seasonal variation they make now (tree, pumpkin, twin towers). I think they put crack in those to make them even better.

[Vitriola]

This year's treats are Milky Ways and Almond Joys. The store was out of Three Musketeers. I cannot buy anything I will eat, because at least one bag would not have even made it home.

My Halloween nemesis is Milk Duds. At least with the above 2, someone who liked them would trade with me. Nobody except my mother liked Milk Duds and she wasn't offering anything in return.

[ChainGangGuy]

I love candy corn. I fuckin' love it. This is the first year where I have realized that it is truly despised by many other people.

I've always enjoyed candy corn. Does this shocking naysayery also extend to the Indian Corn and Mellowcreme Pumpkins?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Lewis Black does a great bit about candy corn.

God, I love teh interweb.

[/quote]

That's fucking hilarious. A video linked by Bugs is fast becoming a synonym in COMEDY.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I love candy corn. I fuckin' love it. This is the first year where I have realized that it is truly despised by many other people.

I've always enjoyed candy corn. Does this shocking naysayery also extend to the Indian Corn and Mellowcreme Pumpkins?

I know, I was shocked too. What the hell? There are plenty of things to dislike about Halloween (I'm mainly thinking of all the arson, and mainly thinking of the arson that will burn our house down this year to get really specific) but I'm surprised that candy corn rates so highly. It's like when a neocon shill radio host is condescending and insulting to a caller and then that caller swears at him. Genuine surprise, and wondering if the rest of the world can't comport itself with a little more class.

CGG, though, you have to tell us what your most hated candy is. Nobody else has three except me, so you do not need to list that much (fucking bunch of likers around here) but the gallery would appreciate your.... one!

[AArdvark]

Most hated Halloween candy in the history of AArdvark.

I won't call it candy, how about Halloween handouts?

#1 with a bullet: POPCORN BALLS!

Now, I like popcorn. I like corn syrup too, well, not straight up, but mixed in other stuff. Popcorn balls are the cheap miserly way out of giving out any meaningful candy to the hard working trick or treater. I thow them at your windows! The ones with the red and green colored syrup. Think anyone is really gonna eat that crap! HAH! And it's mostly old ladies that give those out. (or apples. or pennies) When I was a paperboy I made sure their Wegman's coupons were absent the following week if I got a popcorn ball.

#2 Toothbrushes: I wont go into detail about this one as it's not a foodstuff. Just let me say I got at least one every year. On more than one occasion my mom had to add eggs to her shopping list the next day.

#3 Weird candy with foreign languages printed on the wrapper.
What the fuck is that? Are you gonna eat it?
I'm not gonna eat it?
Let's get Mikey! Yeah!
Seriously, where can anyone find candy with Cyrillic printing around Rochester? It was Russian. Swear to god. Russian candy in my candy sack. I dunno who dropped it there but I bet it traveled a looong way to get to me. Prolly some mole hiding out until they are called into service. I dint eat it. looked bad. Bolshevik bon-bons.

Other than that, I'd eat most anything in the plastic pumpkin.


THE
GUESS WHAT MY
COSTUME WAS
AARDVARK

[pinbacker]

The day Lewis Black is funny is a day that I have yet to experience.

[Bugs]

YES, there was some asshole in my neighborhood who gave out toothbrushes too. But they lived right next door to someone who worked for Frito Lay or something and gave out bags of chips and cheezy poofs and stuff, so that reversed the mood pretty well.

[Bugs]

The day pinback doesn't shit all over things other people like just for the sake of shitting all over things other people like is a day that I have yet to experience.

Wait, who's "pinbacker"? I just noticed that. Is this a different person?

[pinbacker]

The day Lewis Black is funny is a day that I have yet to experience.

I did not write this.