Jolt Country

So, wait a second...

If New Orleans wins any of their last three games, against MINNESOTA, CINCINNATI, and CAROLINA, they're in the playoffs?

And they MISS the playoffs?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH.

HAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA.

GOD, that might be the lamest thing I've ever heard in my life. The Sports Maven is speechless at the overwhelming height, width, and depth of the lame-itude of the New Orleans Saints.

They suck.

... Yeah.

Oh, and I went to the Pats-Dolphins game yesterday. There aren't adequate words in the greater English vernacular to describe the difference between the Pats and the Saints yesterday.

I would not wish being a fan of the New Orleans Saints on ANYBODY. We even had the coach telling us all to essentially fuck off at the post-game interview. Hey Top Jimmy, maybe if you broke .400 at home you wouldn't get booed. What a bunch of totally indefensible comments -- made not only by him, but by Brooks and Horn. I mean, Jesus, was there a team this year that Joe Horn DIDN'T rile up before kickoff?

I'm not much of a sports guy. The sports I tend to watch are oddball things that often crop up on ESPN2. Surfing. Skateboarding. Women's billiards (and DAMN, baby, that Jeanette Lee is a hottie). World's strongest man's competitions. The sort of sports that, one could argue, aren't really "sports."

If they televised Quake deathmatches, I'd probably linger during channel surfing.

My dad loves watching football, yet he has no team. He doesn't root for anyone -- he just likes having football on as background noise. Judging by the volume levels he keeps, my mom thinks he may be going deaf. Every year he holds a Superbowl party, with dozens of people over, but I think he enjoys the social aspect of it more than the actual game.

But back to the big four: Football, Hockey, Basketball and Baseball. Hockey I've never watched at all. Football brings back memories of my childhood in L.A. and that there used to be two teams there, and now there's... none. Baseball is often stulifying for me to watch, and last summer's strike thing was like watching the "Great American Pasttime" poke itself in the eye. Repeatedly.

Even though I grew up in the Los Angeles 'burbs, I've always found basketball to be kinda boring. And being a Lakers fan is a little like being a Yankees fan -- at some point, you begin to feel that they just aren't really... earning it, like they're phoning in a performance for form's sake.

Harder-core sports fans are welcome to disagree with me on any of the points above, and I'll even concede that they're probably more right in their opinions than I am in mine. I'm just not a big sports fan, and I'm willing to defer to the opinions of someone who is, solely because they've spent a lot more time thinking about it than I have.

You know, I was going someplace with this... Oh, yeah.

I ran into a friend recently that I hadn't seen since 10th grade, back in the 'burbs. He was a huge Cleveland Browns fan, and in the Baseball season he split his energies between (wait for it...) the Red Sox and the Cubs. Every year, he was convinced that this year, dammit, this was going to be *the* year. For someone. Anyone.

I felt for him. When the Sports Maven started showing up, I'd run into him just about then, and as I was reading this, I remembered the looks that he'd get when he'd watch a game, that wince coupled with grunts from deep in the diaphragm, like somebody'd slugged him in the gut.

He liked to say that the teams he favored were a good thing. They built character in their fans, and taught our nation's young people emotional resiliency.

Me, I dunno. I'm just glad that that Yokozuna Takanohana was able to go 12-3 at the most recent Emperor's Cup, after 15 months of no competition. If he'd won against Musashimaru in the last bout, that would have been jump-around-the-room-shouting spectacular, but I'm glad to see Takanohana won't be forced to take retirement. The next big Sumo meet is Jan 12-26, and I hope his leg holds out long enough for one more big win.

Sumotori. My kinda sport: obscure. And featuring guys who range from 300 to 522 pounds. Wearing silk diapers. Gotta love it.