Jolt Country

It wasn't supposed to work.

All I wanted to do was construct the most hideously indulgent burger I could think of with the leftover ingredients I had on hand, take one bite, acknowledge that it shouldn't be eaten by people or anyone, and then toss the rest and enjoy a delicious salad with perhaps some poached salmon.

But the goddamn thing is delicious. Deadly, and still should not be eaten by people or anyone, but for the sake of posterity, seeing as how I will die of heart failure at approximately 2:45 PM today, I give you:

THE DYIN' HAWAIIAN BURGER

INGREDIENTS

1 burger patty (mini-recipe to follow)
1 slice SPAM, sliced along the long end, to form a square-ish piece.
1/2 cup chili con carne (mini-recipe to follow)
Two slices cheddar cheese
Yellow mustard
Thin-sliced pickles
Shredded lettuce
Lightly toasted sesame seed bun

DIRECTIONS

1. In a large nonstick skillet, fry the patty and the slice of spam in a little vegetable oil.

2. Meanwhile heat up the chili somehow.

3. Construct as follows!

Bottom bun
Yellow mustard
Pickles
Burger patty
1 slice cheddar
Fried spam
1 slice cheddar
Chili
Shredded lettuce
Top bun

There you have, the DYIN' HAWAIIAN!





MINI-RECIPES!

BURGER PATTY MIX

Mix ground beef, chopped onion, breadcrumbs, egg, milk, ketchup, salt, pepper.

CHILI CON CARNE

Fry up ground beef, onion, garlic, add chili powder, cumin, cayenne, garlic salt, pepper, beans, tomato sauce, can of diced tomates, water, simmer till done.

It's not Hawaiian if there's no pineapple ring. That would have made that even better. And no pickles. Definitely no pickles.

RealityCheck wrote:It's not Hawaiian if there's no pineapple ring. That would have made that even better. And no pickles. Definitely no pickles.

What in the hell are you talking about?

"It ain't soul food if there ain't no watermelon in it!"

Actually I have to side with RealityCheck on this one, unless you live in Hawaii. And the reason I say that is, if you live in Hawaii then you can have food without pineapple, but if you live outside of Hawaii and make a recipe and call it "Hawaiian," it has to have pineapple.

It's like bananas in red sauce at Chinese buffets. If you're a Chinese buffet, you have to have bananas in red sauce, although I suspect that if one magically awoke and found himself in the middle of China, finding a bowl of bananas in red sauce might prove to be difficult.

If you call something "Texas-sized," it's got to be big. And if you call something "Hawaiian," it's got to have pineapple.

Sorry, not my rule. Take it up with the tiki gods.

You *always* have to side with RealityCheck.

That's why he's the motherFUCKIN REALITY CHECK

pinback wrote:All I wanted to do was construct the most hideously indulgent burger I could think of with the leftover ingredients I had on hand... But the goddamn thing is delicious.... INGREDIENTS
1 burger patty (mini-recipe to follow)
1 slice SPAM

As I mentioned in another comment I made elsewhere on this board, I've been making the same thing - on rare occasions - since I discovered it at a small restaurant in downtown Los Angeles some 25 years ago, basically it's a chili cheeseburger, only mine was with polish sausage rather than Spam, as in your case.

Now there's an interesting idea, what to do with spammers if caught: grind them into Spam!

Flack wrote:Actually I have to side with RealityCheck on this one, unless you live in Hawaii. And the reason I say that is, if you live in Hawaii then you can have food without pineapple, but if you live outside of Hawaii and make a recipe and call it "Hawaiian," it has to have pineapple.

This is the dumbest goddamn thing I've ever heard. I'm trying to bring you honest-to-goodness Hawaiian -- check that, Hawai'ian -- cuisine here, something you wouldn't be surprised to find at a shack in Hilo with a wooden sign over it that reads "ONO GRINDS"...

...and this is what you give me? "Nope, not Hawaiian 'less it's got pineapples!"

This place sickens me.

I think you answered your own question -- there must be a difference between Hawaiian and Hawai'ian. The apostrophe symbolizes something that can be found in that region, but is not a stereotypical item. Like you might say, "How about a Texas-sized steak?" which would indicate a really large steak, but a "Te'xas-sized steak" might just be a tiny steak that you could find somewhere in Texas.

The next time you order dessert, make sure you ask for "Bostom Creme Pie" and not "Bo'ston Creme Pie", which is just cheap frozen pie found in a Boston grocery store.

Fine. I'm all about compromise.

The new name of the burger described above is...

THE DYIN' HAWAI'IAN BURGER

I like that better anyway. Not only does it still rhyme, but it turns the apostrophe into something of a theme.

FUN HAWAI'I FACTS:

On news reports, the reporters there actually pronounce "Hawai'i" the "proper" way, like "Ha-wa-ee Ee."

The downside is they get seven minutes less news into each broadcast than they would if they just said HA-WHY like normal people.

Shouldn't that be a Baston creme pah?

Maybe that's how a body could tell if it's authentic.


Do they have spam in Hawaii? I thought it was all sugar cane, pineapples and weed.



THE
NOT THAT I WOULD
KNOW OR ANYTHING
AARDVARK

Hawaiians eat most of the SPAM(r) in the world.

In all seriousness, I'm way funnier on here than I am on facebook. This place actually gives me a chance to think about what I'm writing, not just some stupid five word status update.

THE
BUT THANKS FOR ASKING!
AARDVARK

why do you think I'm not on Facebook? ;) not like I'm funny here anyway. Does anyone REALLY need status updates from a tool like me?

7:01 AM thinking about pinching a loaf
7:08 AM loaf successfully pinched, that's the last time I put corn in my tacos LOL

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.....

:(

Tdarcos wrote:Now there's an interesting idea, what to do with spammers if caught: grind them into Spam!

Lest we forget, this is the sort of thing that led us to insisting that Tdarcos never, ever try to be funny under any circumstances.

LEST WE FORGET.

straw wrote:why do you think I'm not on Facebook? ;) not like I'm funny here anyway. Does anyone REALLY need status updates from a tool like me?

7:01 AM thinking about pinching a loaf
7:08 AM loaf successfully pinched, that's the last time I put corn in my tacos LOL

....


.....

:(

7:09PM, Murdering entire family

It truly was the last time he put corn in his tacos LOL

A dead man made me laugh out loud six years later. I have two points here:

1. This thread qualifies as best-of, in my opinion.

2. Is there a way to do a global search/replace of my posts? I fixed the pictures in this one, but everywhere else, I need "http://moltobenny.com/pics" replaced with "http://nightowl.pinback.space/moltobenny/pics".

The easiest way would be to do it through SQL from the hosting interface.

In the phpbb admin portal you may also be able to do a global replace, just like the word filters.

Yeah, but we're dealing with Robb here, so I'm easing into it.