Jolt Country

I saw "Signs", and then went to mrqe.com as I do after I see most movies, to see how my opinion matched up with the critical mass, and saw that about 98% of the reviews were glowingly positive. Ebert, who I generally like, gave it his highest possible rating. The only bad review I found was Mr. Cranky, and he hates everything (though to his credit, he hated this more that most.)

The movie was TERRIBLE, and everyone thought it was great.

I guess it's just me. I guess I'm wrong, and wouldn't know a decent movie if you shoved the film reels up my nose.

Just do me this favor. Watch Signs, and then watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind, two movies with similar (though not identical) themes, and tell me if you can tell the difference in quality between these flicks.

If you're having trouble, here's a hint: One of them sucks yak intestines, and one of them is one of the greatest movies of all time.

Very depressing.

Yeah, Signs was fucking terrible all right. Just face it, man, you're currently unable to ENJOY ANYTHING. I don't know why.

Oh, wait, yes I do: since you, and everyone else who hated Signs, are anti-religion, you've been programmed with the belief (ha, ha) that any form of media that is remotely pro-spiritual is automatically a piece of funky-smelling crap that got shat out of a fat man's cornhole.

Reasons not to like Signs:
o The aliens' weakness is the same as the director's protagonist in his last movie

o It centers upon one, and only one family's paranoia and reactions when faced with an aggressive alien race and the viewer went into the thing somehow thinking it was going to be a thinking man's Independence Day, or "about crop circles" or some kind of CCot3K flick (which is a terrible, terrible movie in which nothing EVER fucking happens and the fact that you referenced it when belabouring Signs only goes to show that YOU are the being not from planet earth in this thread).

o The line "There's a monster in my room; can I have a glass of water" is possibly the shittiest in all of cinema, adds nothing to the movie, and was plastered over every ad for the thing.

What to like about Signs:

o Well, everything else, but specifically:

o The performances are all great. Rather than that shitty water comment they should have said MEL GIBSON AS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE!! HURRR DURRR!!!! It had been a long, LONG fucking time since he put together a performance that good.

o No rhyme or reason as to why the aliens visited. I love that. The writer/director's scope was tight. *So* many movies with "aliens" in them would like nothing to do with scope like that.

o The scene where they are all having dinner. Of the flicks I saw in 2002 it was either that one or Gollum's dialogue with himself as the best of the year. Gollum probably wins, but that's a close second.

o "I'm insane with anger!"

o I played 10 games of summer softball and through the first nine I did not walk once. In the last game, in my last at-bat I got three crappy pitches and took my base. My brother commented on the free pass and how it took me so long to get it and I said, "It didn't seem right not to swing." With all the complete shit that (professional) free-swingers in baseball get, with the advent of Billy Beaneball and so forth, it's nice to see for just a MOMENT some respect given to a guy (Meryl, in this movie) whose mentality was just to bash the shit out of everything he saw. Whatta guy.

o The basement scene, which was the best "lights go out in the basement" scene that I've seen since Re-Animator.

o Oh, yeah, the thing's entire theme. I understand why you hated it, though.


It is impossible for either of us to change each other's mind, so I am mainly posting for the expected eventual abuse. Also, there's another Signs thread somewhere if you want to gauge my reactions to the thing a day or so after I saw it.

Additionally: you should have seen it on the big screen. It's Just That kind of movie.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:belief (ha, ha) that any form of media that is remotely pro-spiritual is automatically a piece of funky-smelling crap

Not automatically, but I'll admit to a certain prejudice.

o "I'm insane with anger!"

I did like that.

o The basement scene, which was the best "lights go out in the basement" scene that I've seen since Re-Animator.

I was already MSTing the movie at this point. When the lights went out, I cocked the hammer. Then when they came back on, I fired (out loud, in my own empty apartment): "SURPRISE!!!" Oh, how I roared.

so I am mainly posting for the expected eventual abuse.

What's the point? This is why I didn't want to collaborate on a single website, though.

o The scene where they are all having dinner.

Funny you should mention this. That was just about the time I was starting to mentally compare the movie to Close Encounters (and not coincidentally started wishing I was WATCHING Close Encounters), and then... Oh! Here's a scene of a family at a dinner table, eating mashed potatoes, and the father breaks down and the kids start crying!!

Gosh! What movie do I remember this scene from!?!?!

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:or some kind of CCot3K flick (which is a terrible, terrible movie in which nothing EVER fucking happens and the fact that you referenced it when belabouring Signs only goes to show that YOU are the being not from planet earth in this thread).

Well, you're just a fucking idiot.

(Who is now in my killfile.)

Ben wrote:

so I am mainly posting for the expected eventual abuse.

What's the point? This is why I didn't want to collaborate on a single website, though.

OK, this is the most offensive thing you've ever said to me.

What's the point??? The point, Herr Parrish is that there are (if the sticky thread is any example) a whopping TWENTY-EIGHT people who visit here and expect to be entertained by our antics. And they sure aren't going to get it from alabaster and Dishbringer. The point, sir, is that you are going to make a point, I am going to refute it, you are going to refute my... refutations (er) and it just goes on and on from there.

And the collaboration shot, that's just painful. A bullet through my soul. Here's the difference between the PWC/JC/MR "family" of websites and some hole like Pitchfork or Baseball Prospectus. OK? Here we go. Here we go. Bum-bum-BUM-bum-BUM-bum-bumbumbum-BUMBUm, OK:

o Pitchfork and BR hates everything, and when one of them hates something, which they all do, they groupthink their way into having the exact same opinion.

o PWC/JC/MR, well, one of us may hate something, but the other does not necessarily do so, and therefore we are engaged in a kind of *dialogue* and not just telling people (28 whole unique individuals, plus the one guy from Ireland who drops by around 3:30am MST and hasn't clicked on that thread yet) "this is how it is."

There is a *difference,* and that difference is so completely critical. In my mind at least.

But if you'd rather just speak AT people then speak with them, then I will sod off accordingly.

ICJ

PS, killfiled

Ben wrote:

o The scene where they are all having dinner.

Funny you should mention this. That was just about the time I was starting to mentally compare the movie to Close Encounters (and not coincidentally started wishing I was WATCHING Close Encounters), and then... Oh! Here's a scene of a family at a dinner table, eating mashed potatoes, and the father breaks down and the kids start crying!!

Gosh! What movie do I remember this scene from!?!?!

I don't remember any kids in Close Encounters.

It's been at least 10 years since I've seen it, though. I guess they were just not that memorable. (I'm going to be a total bitch in 5... 4... 3...2...) oh, well, SHRUG. That's Spielberg's fault, not mine.

Also, Dreyfus is too annoying to take seriously. If you think Close Encounters is better than Signs then why don't you just go take Mrs Skakabelli's Mandolin and cram it up your ass, ass?

Ben wrote: Well, you're just a fucking idiot.

(Who is now in my killfile.)

I can't really express all the anger that I have, in seeing that you posted this, as I was picking off your messages one by one and not reading ahead. I got timelined for the kill file comment. Goddamn you.

FUCK YOU! YOU'RE *BOTH* IN MY KILLFILE! NEXT!

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I don't remember any kids in Close Encounters.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!???!?!

Do you remember any light sabers in Star Wars? Do you remember any snakes in Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Do you remember any foul language in Eddie Murphy: Raw?

Do you remember any cockroaches during the final segment of Creepshow? Do you remember any police cars in The Blues Brothers? Do you remember a sled in Citizen Kane? Do you remember any soap in Fight Club?

Do you remember any Dom Deluises in Cannonball Run?

Ben wrote:

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I don't remember any kids in Close Encounters.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!???!?!

Do you remember any light sabers in Star Wars? Do you remember any snakes in Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Do you remember any foul language in Eddie Murphy: Raw?

Do you remember any cockroaches during the final segment of Creepshow? Do you remember any police cars in The Blues Brothers? Do you remember a sled in Citizen Kane? Do you remember any soap in Fight Club?

Do you remember any Dom Deluises in Cannonball Run?

Honestly, I didn't/don't. (Er, the first one. Though I've never seen Creepshow.)

It has been at least 10, maybe 15 years since I saw Close Encounters, and it was the free TV version. I always thought it was complete shit. It takes forever for something to happen. The protagonist is COMPLETELY unsympathetic. You couldn't escape knowing OMG ALIENS appear at the end of it (sort of) so the "big payoff" isn't a big payoff as such. And the mashed potatoes scene is fucking disgusting. The guy so obsessed with whatever the hell he thinks is out there that is becomes an irritating drama queen thing isn't interesting to me.

I'd say "I should really see it again," but there's no way I could make it through it.

Funnily enough, I've never seen it on the silver screen. I presume you did, as you're like 20 years older than me and therefore would have been at movie-going age when CC came out. So maybe it's better when it's big and in front of you like that? It very well could be.

Ben wrote:

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I don't remember any kids in Close Encounters.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!???!?!

Do you remember any light sabers in Star Wars? Do you remember any snakes in Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Do you remember any foul language in Eddie Murphy: Raw?

Do you remember any cockroaches during the final segment of Creepshow? Do you remember any police cars in The Blues Brothers? Do you remember a sled in Citizen Kane? Do you remember any soap in Fight Club?

Do you remember any Dom Deluises in Cannonball Run?

Do you remember any "Shut" in "The Fuck Up!"? I'm sorry, I was inspired...

-LG

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:came out. So maybe it's better when it's big and in front of you like that? It very well could be.

It's fabulous both ways. Your taste is, as usual, firmly lodged in your rectum.

And I'm not getting it out this time. Fool me once...

Getting what out? What are you talking about? Usually it's only Lex's posts that have reference to something that was talked about ten threads and three months ago. You going into non-sequiturs isn't going to work for me.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Getting what out? What are you talking about? Usually it's only Lex's posts that have reference to something that was talked about ten threads and three months ago. You going into non-sequiturs isn't going to work for me.

No, see... in the world of "humor" and "internet bulletin board systems" and "generally having a clue", that was what is normally referred to as a "joke". Implying that at one point, you had asked me to retrieve something from your rectum, and I naturally obliged, and then while I was doing so, something horrific happened which scarred me for life. Since that incident never (to my recollection) actually occurred, it creates a discordant juxtaposition with real life, and hence creates "comedy".

I would have hoped I wouldn't have to keep explaining this to you, particularly on your own website.

Easy there, Auric of Comedy! Jesus Christ. Next time, please do not put a paragraph break between your two comments. And ellipses really aren't your style. When someone gets done with a Ben Parrish post, the implying subtext is a, "I'm right, you're wrong, eat fuck." This whole dot dot dot thing just isn't you.

Shit, is someone else posting as "Ben"? I guess, now that I am the victim of it for a change, that it's really not so funny afterall.

Don't remember the kids in CCOT3K? I remember one of them breaking all his stuff because Mr Holland is fighting with his wife at the time. Dreyfuss! That's his name. You get the idea. Signs has the feel of a B movie. very little in the way of extended plot. it's just 'lets stick aliens in some guy's (the director's, BTW) pantry and have Max chop off his alien fingers.' Gibson! that's his name. You get the idea. It reminded me of other B movies like 'Evil Dead 2'
or...or...The 80's flick that featured 2 kids and a large hole in the backyard... (not poltergiest) I remember seeing it on HBO when it was a young channel. BALLS! can't remember much more of it. Anyhoo, I think putting Mel in there gave it an A rating in a B movie plot. Think of the movie if total unknowns were in it. maybe catch it at the drive in or the dreaded..... DIRECT TO VIDEO.
as a further note, I am going to refrain from capialtize my typing any more. it slows down my thought processes when i have to back up and fix my sentences all pretty.
I am also not going to fix any more typos as they slow down my thoughts in the same way. cant have mr fuckingaardvark slowing down his thoughts can we i mean god forbid the guy just does a spell check at the end of the post or anything next thing you know hes gonna want to freaking host his own bastr or something like that.goddam look im just gonna go have a couple more beets now, so ill have to get back to you all...



THE
DRUNK
AARDVARK


sorry gotta caps the signature

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: What's the point??? The point, Herr Parrish is that there are (if the sticky thread is any example) a whopping TWENTY-EIGHT people who visit here and expect to be entertained by our antics. And they sure aren't going to get it from alabaster and Dishbringer. The point, sir, is that you are going to make a point, I am going to refute it, you are going to refute my... refutations (er) and it just goes on and on from there.

Actually I don't expect to be entertained by your antics.

Well... *start* expecting it! Please?