Jolt Country

Here is the thread where we track my process in getting to Silver League in StarCraft 2, or perhaps jinx myself out of it.

Some background:

SC2 multiplayer sections their players into seven different "leagues", depending on skill. They are, in approximation:

Grandmaster League: Top 200 players.
Master League: Top 2% of everyone else.
Diamond League: Top 18% after that.
Platinum League: Next 20% after that.
Gold League: Next 20%.
Silver League: Next 20%.
Bronze League: Bottom fuckin' 20%.

Being a terrible RTS player, I began wedged in at the bottom of Bronze. Even as recently as, what, three weeks ago or so, I was 96th ranked in my Bronze division. Each division of a league contains 100 players. Which means that in my division, in the worst league in the game, I was 4 away from technically being the worst player ever.

But then I re-read all my great advice, got semi-serious about it, and went forth with one goal:

Get the fuck outta Bronze.

My win rate has been remarkable the last few weeks as I've honed my paltry skills, and as of this writing, I stand as the 9th ranked player in my division, an improvement of 87 places, if my math serves me correctly. Not too damn bad.

But let's not stop there.

Let's get to Silver, so I can say that I'm better at SC2 than any other video game I've ever played(*), because Jesus Christ, even in Bronze these people are crazy good.



(*) Except Asteroids.

Top 8, baby. That's important, because when you're in the top 8, your little "bronze" emblem gets WINGS and a fucking STAR on it.

Need some wings and stars? Call me up, I've got extra.

I got it beating another guy who is top 8 Bronze, and when I say beating, I mean I anally raped him, his family, his pets, and several large appliances is his house.

Shouldn't be long now.

(Or it will take forever, if you listen to all the whining, prancing maggot idiots on the SC2 forums.)

Look in the lower left. That's ME, fellow babies:

pinback wrote:I got it beating another guy who is top 8 Bronze, and when I say beating, I mean I anally raped him, his family, his pets, and several large appliances is his house.

Ben, as in this comment on this BBS from the article about the Kindle commercial, sticking his dick in everything and raping everyone around is Jonsey's responsibility. Yours is to be just an arrogant prick and a ballbuster, not a real prick. That's Jonsey's responsibility, raping and pillaging. Yours is to be an arrogant son of a bitch. Mine, of course, is to make horrible videos and conjure up horrible imagery that make people want to blow their brains out. ("Can't be unread! Can't be unread!")

You don't want to commit "conduct unbecoming" an officer.

Sincerely, "Commander" TDarcos
----
"If I went over his head, [Colonel] Tam Watkins would have my ass on a transport to command a base in Mexico or the Republic of Texas." - Major Trapp in Paul Robinson's Instrument of God

If I can just move past that last comment:

STATUS UPDATE

Currently ranked #2 in my Bronze division, and have regularly beaten other top Bronze players and mid-ranked Silver players.

CAN A LEAGUE PROMOTION BE FAR BEHIND???

Today's STATUS UPDATE:

#1 in mah division!

This all must be terribly exciting for you.

THANK YOU ALL!

And: Strangely, I went from #1 in my Bronze division into a tie for #2 in this new one. How's that taste, losers?? I just skipped over all y'all!

This concludes: Ascent to Silver!

pinback wrote:THANK YOU ALL!

And: Strangely, I went from #1 in my Bronze division into a tie for #2 in this new one. How's that taste, losers?? I just skipped over all y'all!

This concludes: Ascent to Silver!

Congratulations, Ben, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy*.

*Translation: Of all the sons-of-bitches who had to win this, it had to be that sonofabitch bastard Pinback! Who'd you have to blow to get it, you cocksuckin' maggot?

Epilogue:

Actually, apparently the way it works is, when all the other divisions are filled up, they just make a new one and start shoving people into it. As it was, mine was almost brand new at the time, but as the minutes tick by, it's getting filled up.

So now I'm #11 in it, and will probably drop even further.

Sorry to get you overly excited.

Outtro:

The division is now full and I settled in to #14.

Now I will never play again, so I maintain this rank.

The rich get richer!



(NOTE: This is in the "3v3" leagues. Team games are a joke, and this is completely meaningless. But, y'know. Thought maybe you'd get a kick out of it.)

(NOTE #2: You didn't.)

No no no, this is a big deal.

Do you find people on the street treating you different yet?

Flack wrote:No no no, this is a big deal.

Do you find people on the street treating you different yet?

I don't leave my house.

Did you get to gold yet?

I don't think so. I'm sure I would have heard about it on the news.

I don't see Gold in my future. I am too old and white for that.

Silver is the old white man's Diamond.

After today's conversation, gold is the new goal, right? Because you're #7 rank in silver?

As of this morning, I am ranked #2 in my Silver division, with a bullet. I don't even want to bring up the "g" word, because it would take a pleasant diversion and turn it into a stressful endeavor.

But...

Alright, let's do this. ASCENT TO FUCKING GOLD IS ON.

Well, don't know how long it'll last, but let's just enjoy this moment. Can we just enjoy this moment?

I am not going to enjoy anything until you get to gold.