[REVIEW] BANQUET FUCKING PORK PATTY DINNER

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It's been sitting in the freezer for months. Today was Saturday, which means of course that all TrueCar employees were forced to work 16 hours with no lunch break. What could I make during one of our eighteen daily status meetings that I could cook quickly and wolf down without caring?

IT WAS TIME.

PREPARATION: One is told to cut the plastic film off of the potatoes, AND ONLY off the potatoes. I did that. One is told to cook for three minutes on high, stir said potatoes, and microwave again for another two minutes. I did that, except I microwaved for THREE minutes the second time, because I like things EXTRA HOT, and nothing fucking WORKS in this house, so you have to cook everything longer than anything says.

THE EATING: First of all, there's way too much sauce in the pork patty section of the meal, so definitely the first thing you have to do is take the Corn (tm) and the Potatoes (tm) and dump them all from their little corner compartments into the Primary Pork Compartment (tm) to allow them to soak up all of the extra sauce. That's just a reflex. Then it's time to EAT ALL OF THE THINGS.

THE REVIEW: If this was a standard snarky internet review by some smug pseudo-cultured smegmabag, I would start with the good, and then oh-so-cleverly whip around to a negative finale which skewered both the meal and the entirety of white American culture, even though I am a part of it and contribute to all of its ills. THIS AIN'T THAT, though, so I'll start with the bad:

The pork patty does not resemble food. That is my main objection to the meal. The McRib patty is arguably the exact same material, but it does manage to resemble something that in some form was edible by humans. The Banquet Pork Patty offers no such illusion. It's a strangely geometrical piece of meat-like material, which appears to have been sculpted by tiny bricklayer's trowels. There are no fake "grill lines" or any other such nod to actual cookery. It's a plainly manufactured piece of eat-stuff, all sharp angles and unnatural surfaces. Striking, in a way. I see God in everything, though.

I'll now swing around to the incredible, unbelievable, and largely shameful good: I liked it. The sauce is the same syrupy sweet BBQ sauce you'd get from any fast food joint, and there's enough of it to make the Pork, Corn, and Potatoes (tm) just taste like one big mess of cheapo comfort food.

And at 400 calories, it's a big fucking forkload more tasty and delicious than 98% of every "Lean Cuisine" or "Eating Right" piece of shit in that frozen section which comes in just under the same 400 calories but manages to taste like warmed lube.

It wasn't supposed to work.

But it did. I give Banquet Pork Patty Dinner THREE STARS, and I would purchase the product again.

EDIT: Actually, I would purchase 10 for $10.