Jolt Country

Ask me how I won $150 playing penny slots for five minutes!

You found $149 on the g--

How did you win $150 in five minutes?!

Why are you playing the slots out there? Are there Indian casinos in New Mexico or something?

Right!

STEP 1: Go house-hunting all day, and stop at one of Albuquerque's 9438 local resort/casinos, looking for a drink, because Jesus Christing Christ is it hot down here. Fuck.

STEP 2: Fail to find a bar with any seats available, because everyone else has already STEP 1'ED.

STEP 3: On your way out, think, "huh, all these goddamn grandmas can't be wrong, people LOVE these stupid goddamn slot machines! Oh well, let's see how it works!"

STEP 4: Find a "penny slot" with a picture of a Polynesian girl on it. Hey, she's pretty! And it's only for pennies! Put in $20!

STEP 5: Realize that "penny slot" is a ridiculous marketing ploy. The LEAST you can bet on any pull is "ten pennies", and if you know anything about slot machines, you know you have to bet the max on every pull. In this case, the max is 250 pennies. PENNIES!!

STEP 6: Begin hitting the "bet max" button. Watch all three rows of five different reels resolve into an array of figures and numbers you realize you have no idea what any of them mean.

STEP 7: Continue hitting "bet max", still not realizing anything that's going on (I swear, I still have no idea what happened on any of these pulls... I think the parrot is a good thing? You want to get parrots? Maybe?), until you look up and realize that somehow you've managed to rack up SEVENTEEN THOUSAND PENNIES.

STEP 8: Cash the fuck out, never play slot machines again the rest of your life.

The one time I played at Finger Lakes I did step 6 for about seven minutes and lost my twenty bucks so fast it was like magic. Dark magic!


THE
EVIL SPINNING REELS
AARDVARK

Wait, are you moving to New Mexico? How many states is that now?