Jolt Country

This is a thread where people can skip all the other hot-sauce-related shit on this site and just get down to it: What the hell should I, as a person who is interested in hot sauces but doesn't own any, buy?

Here I will include ONLY hot sauces that have been fully VETTED as five-star hot sauces.

This list will contain 10 or fewer entries. Maybe as few as five. We don't want to complicate things. We want to know, what's the best, what should we buy, you fucking drunk-ass half-Jew.

Here is our first Legendary Hot Sauce:



Palo Alto Firefighter Pepper Sauce. Choose the original or the heat-enhanced "XX Habanero" variety, I don't care, they taste virtually identical. This gets legendary status because 1) it's unlike anything else, 2) it is ridiculously versatile, 3) it has awesome packaging, 4) it has awesome creators, 5) it's the least obnoxious thing Retro has ever done for us, 6) it has zero sodium, 7) it's cheap as fuck, 8) it is fucking awesome, 9) even Robb likes it.

I no longer use it for everything, as I did when I first encountered it. But the thought of ever being without it makes me so sad I could just cry like a goddamn woman watching a douche commercial.

RetroRomper CALLED THESE GUYS to ensure that there was no sodium added.

As someone who can have 20 micrograms of sodium a day or instantly die, this is the hot sauce for ME.

... I want Nikos to understand what Retro did. It's firefighter sauce. The only way to contact them is with a fire-based emergency.

Retro lit his girlfriend's uterus on fire so they would come to the house so he could quiz them. It's appreciated.

firecrotch

Our next Legendary Sauce is:



HUY FONG SRIRACHA

It's almost hard to believe that there was a time, not too long ago in fact, where you'd only find this at Thai/Vietnamese restaurants, or hidden somewhere in the "ethnic" section of your local grocery store.

Then something happened, and I have no idea how or why, but it became bigger than Jesus and Elvis combined, and started appearing in potato chips, in Subway sandwiches, in pretty much every size and shape imaginable. And now the copycats are coming out of the woodwork.

No matter. Just because something becomes popular doesn't mean it automatically sucks, RETRO, and this is still a sauce I cannot imagine ever being without, or not having by my side at the pho joint or anywhere else southeast asian flavors are on the menu. It is the perfect balance of heat, sweet, chiles and garlic, often copied, never duplicated, and is there anything more beautiful that the vibrant, electric red color?

It is, truly, a legendary hot sauce.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:It's firefighter sauce. The only way to contact them is with a fire-based emergency.

Speak for yourself, Robb. I've called 9-1-1 more than once, and being a wheelchair operator who is simply trapped, uninjured and simply unable to get free does qualify as an emergency legitimately requiring the services of the fire department to extricate oneself.

Tdarcos wrote:

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:It's firefighter sauce. The only way to contact them is with a fire-based emergency.

Speak for yourself, Robb. I've called 9-1-1 more than once, and being a wheelchair operator who is simply trapped, uninjured and simply unable to get free does qualify as an emergency legitimately requiring the services of the fire department to extricate oneself.

Dammit, I forgot what I was going to ask, what do you think of the sauces that are coming out using Bhut Jolokia? What makes a good hot sauce? Is it more than the level of heat, are there other factors?

Does Tabasco even count as a good sauce? (It's popular and available like Baskin Robbins, in 31 flavors, and is available in 65 countries and 12 languages, but popular does not necessarily mean "good" or Dominos would have gone out of the pizza business years ago.)

As someone who can't really tolerate anything stronger than Taco Bell's "mild" sauce, I can't really have an opiniion on hot sauces, they're often way too much for me.

Tdarcos wrote:

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:It's firefighter sauce. The only way to contact them is with a fire-based emergency.

Speak for yourself, Robb. I've called 9-1-1 more than once, and being a wheelchair operator who is simply trapped, uninjured and simply unable to get free does qualify as an emergency legitimately requiring the services of the fire department to extricate oneself.

That's what I said. I was agreeing with you! The only way to contact firefighters, unless you are RetroRomper, is to have a fire-based emergency that makes them come over.

You're telling us the pistons on your chair didn't fire and they came over to help. That's what they do.

The only way to contact firefighters, unless you are RetroRomper, is to have a fire-based emergency that makes them come over.

You could always leave a pan of beer out on the back porch, that seems to work.



THE
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Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

Tdarcos wrote:

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:It's firefighter sauce. The only way to contact them is with a fire-based emergency.

Speak for yourself, Robb. I've called 9-1-1 more than once, and being a wheelchair operator who is simply trapped, uninjured and simply unable to get free does qualify as an emergency legitimately requiring the services of the fire department to extricate oneself.

That's what I said. I was agreeing with you! The only way to contact firefighters, unless you are RetroRomper, is to have a fire-based emergency that makes them come over.

You're telling us the pistons on your chair didn't fire and they came over to help. That's what they do.

Pistons? Since when do they have pistons in an electric motor? And you didn't answer my questions about hot sauce, which is what I had intended to ask in the first place before I got distracted.

Tdarcos wrote: Pistons? Since when do they have pistons in an electric motor?

Paul Robinson? Not understanding a joke? THE Paul Robinson?

Well goddammit, now I've seen positively EVERYTHING!

Alright, let's get back to it.

First of all, though I didn't make it explicit, this list is being done with the intent of highlighting one sauce per style. Now, there are no set list of characteristics that make up a particular "style", so I'm just making them up, but I think they're reasonable.

So, to review, I'll add the style names to the sauces:

BIZARRE/UNIQUE: Palo Alto Firefighters Pepper Sauce

ASIAN: Huy Fong Sriracha

Next I'll cover a style I'll just call "craft". In the early 2000s, it seemed like everyone and his craggy ol' grandmother were making and selling sauces out of the garage, much in the same way the craft beer movement finally showed people there was more to life than Coors Light.

That's about when I got into the hobby, hardcore. So I tried tons of them. Hundreds. And out of all of them, if you asked me to pick my favorite, it probably wouldn't take very long before I chose this one.

But that was a long time ago. Maybe absence just made the heart grow fonder. Or maybe they'd gotten too big for their britches and changed the recipe.

Or maybe, like many wonderful sauces from the "boom", it just went away.

But it's still here, and you may have already had it without knowing it, because they got popular and big enough where they started branding the sauce for whoever wanted to pay to put their own name on it. So in the Colorado area at least, if you see sauces from "High Altitude Gourmet", or (list TBD), that's actually this company's sauce, with a different label on it.

I've had every single one of their sauces, and they are all no worse than excellent, but the real standout is:

DANNY CASH'S BOTTLED UP ANGER



The one word that comes to mind every time I taste this sauce is: perfect.

The bright serrano bite mixes with the slow burn of the habanero to make the heat level, well, perfect. Not hardcore or overpowering, but definitely lets you know it's there. This heat and chile flavor are balanced by the tang of the lime and garlic sweetness and aroma... perfectly.

And the ingredient list shows nothing but the chiles, lime, garlic, vinegar, and salt. Not a preservative or stabilizing agent to be found.

Perfect.

You may not have heard of it. You may not even have tasted it. But you should, and you will, because Danny Cash's Bottled Up Anger is perfect. And more than that, it is legendary.

It is the best hot sauce I have ever had.

Has anyone else, out of curiosity, tried this? ICJ, I know it's made up there near Denver, wondered if you've ever seen it around?

I have had it many times! It's the best. The green version is the best hot sauce I have ever had. The Firefighter thing is a nice #2, but yeah, this one is my vote for BEST HOT S.. sorry best hot sauce of all-time.

I implore everyone to try it.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I have had it many times! It's the best. The green version is the best hot sauce I have ever had. The Firefighter thing is a nice #2, but yeah, this one is my vote for BEST HOT S.. sorry best hot sauce of all-time.

I implore everyone to try it.

Okay, we're all agreed, it's the best hot sauce in the world. Now, the cool part is, as I mentioned, you can get it BRANDED!

So whaddya say, let's all pitch in to get JOLT COUNTRY HOT SAUCE!!! Start by picking your label design!!

http://www.brandedsauces.com/branded_sauces_CL.htm

EDIT: I like LT05, myself.

Hehehehehehe!!!!!!!

If anyone orders Danny Cash off of the website, please tell them I suggested it to you. "Ben Parrish". Not "Pinback" or "HOT SAUCE EXPERT" or "Doug Bitling".

Thanks youse.

Sidebar here:

"Louisiana" hot sauces are kind of a scam. Not that they aren't delicious -- what's better than cayenne peppers, vinegar and salt? -- but I got here a 59 cent bottle of Kroger "hot sauce", which is obviously a generic version of Texas Pete or any number of other "Louisiana" sauces, and I could not tell the difference between them if you put a bazooka to my head.

So there's really no reason not to just buy the 59 cent bottle and forget all the brand names.

That being said, here's an exception:

STYLE: Louisiana

SAUCE: Tabasco



There really can't be a discussion of legendary sauces without mentioning Tabasco, no matter how much I wanted to find something else.

For a long time, Tabasco was in large part "Xerox-ified", where the brand name essentially became the generic term for "hot sauce". It was the first (to my knowledge) hot sauce to be distributed widely enough to become ubiquitous.

And yet, the interesting thing is, it's never really been duplicated. Unlike the vast majority of Louisiana sauces, they use tabasco chiles (no kidding?!) instead of cayenne. The sauce is hotter than most widely available table sauces. It's also the most vinegary hot sauce you're likely to pick off of the shelf.

For me, that's turned it primarily into a cooking sauce, as if a recipe calls for salt and vinegar, a few dashes of Tabasco is the perfect replacement for both. As a straight sauce to add to your eggs or pizza or whatever, I tend to find it too vinegary.

But it is what it is. It'll be around forever, and if you go into pretty much any restaurant in this country and ask for "hot sauce", it's still likely what they're going to give you.

It doesn't get much more legendary than that.