Jolt Country

For this ranked list, I decided to avoid the home shopping channel pitchmen/pitchwomen for the simple fact that people who watch that station are already looking to buy cheap swords and costume jewelry. Also, I am not including the big name celebrities who endorse mainstream products and services such as Jordan and Wilford Brimley. Nor am I including megacorporation figureheads such as Jobs or Richard Branson. This list is for the true grit of pitch. Please feel free to comment, or post your own list.

1. Billy Mays - Is there any surprise he would come in first? Anybody who would disagree here isn't even human.

2. Tom Vu - If you don't want to learn his three little words, then you are a loser and deserve to be broke.

3. Ron Popeil - Watching this smooth talking salesman hock his kitchen gadgets makes me wish I actually purchased some of his products.

4. George Foreman - The one product I own from this entire list is the grill this man slings. It cooks anything you throw at it at least "good enough". I love it.

_____These four listed above would go on my Mt. Rushmore of Pitch________

5. Barry Becher/Ed Valenti - This duo slashes the completion at number 5.

6. Richard Simmons - He danced his way to a multimillion dollar empire.

7. Suzanne Somers - Every woman in America used to own a thighmaster, now they are mainly used to prop up tables at flea markets.

8. Jay Kordich - God I love juice.

9. Anthony Sullivan - While he could easily be counted among the best, the competition here is too stiff to place him any higher on this list. He will always be the Robin to Billy Mays' Batman.

10. Jack Lalanne - Any man with the drive to pitch till he's ninety-six easily deserves to be among the top 10.

11. Roger Teeter - Let's be honest here, Teeter Hang Ups is about selling kink to the elderly community.

12. Arnold Morris - Don't wok away from these deals.

13. Miss Cleo - Even if the other products the people on this list pitch are junk, at least you received something in the mail, not with Miss Cleo. I don't consider it a scam because the commercial told people the whole thing was total hogwash.

14. Matthew Lesko - I still don't know what his books were all about, but the man knew how to dress for success.

15. John Parkin - This man is British, so you can definitely trust him.

16. Tony Little - Fitness and hair guru.

17. Kevin Trudeau - Many indications point to him being a total conman, but at least he never beat a hooker half to death.

18. Vince Offer - He beat a hooker half to death. People haven't seen a madman fall from grace this hard since Caligula.

19. Billy Blanks - Tae Bo was a thing.

20. Susan Powter - Crazy eyes.

21. Phil Swift - I see this man climbing the ranks in the near future.

22. Richard Karn - This man was born to pitch. His amazing thespian talents sidetracked what could have been a legendary infomercial career.

23. Carleton H. Sheets - Real Estate. We are really getting close to the honorable mentions here.

24. Don Lapre - This famous grifter offed himself in a jail cell.

25. Mike Levey - World's biggest beta.

26. Chef Tony - I wouldn't trust him around children, but that's just my opinion.

27. Beau Rials - I didn't know who he was either until I started making this list. His pitch game is pretty weak, but still manages to get a lot of work somehow.

28. Klee Irwin - Dual Action Cleanse (yep, for down there).

29. John W. Scherer - aka "The Video Professor".


__________

I am getting tired of doing this list. I am sure I missed many fan favorites, and will go back to make adjustments at a later date.

8-14. Chuck Norris - I can't believe I missed the Total Gym!!! After reconfiguring the list, this listing will land between 8 and 14. Compensating for that we have thus far:

32. Adam Jay - This guy stinks.

33. Forbes Riley - I should just quit, this list is getting out of hand.

34. Mick Hastie and Mimi Umidon - Unfortunately the only "Magic Bullet" this wretch of a couple has ever encountered is in the form of cheap grinders used mainly in narcotics distribution.

Outstanding. Is there a record anywhere regarding which pitchmen (pitchpeople?) could command the highest fees? I feel Mr. Mays was so respected at the end there that it would cost a sizable fee to get him to hawk one's wares.

I am sure those numbers could be found, I would propose that anybody who wants to refute my list could use them as evidence of their claim!

31. Cathy Michtell - She definitely belongs a lot higher on this list, but I somehow missed 31, and I need a place holder for now.

I don't know how accurate these figures are, but this is what I came up with after doing a quick search: Net worth of 10 million, he charged 30k+ to shoot a 2 minute add. He got hired by Orange Glo International, the owners of OxiClean, to pitch their products in 1993, and did his first infomercial for them in 2000.

He pitched products on the boardwalk prior to 1993, so you can assume that maybe $300 from that 10 million estate is from that period of his life. From 1993-2000 he was just pitching at trade shows (ok money, but you are not going to amass a fortune doing it unless you own the product), and he died in 2009.

Based on these figures, I would speculate that he started off making about 100k -150k during his rookie year in the pros for the 2000 season, and was probably making close to 2 million a year by the end of his life if you add up all of the money he was bring in.

I think we can all agree that the man was a national treasure. Ahhhhhhhh so what, he liked a little bit of the nose candy now and then.

What I find sad is that one of the effects of cocaine is to make people think they are more likable. But Billy, this great man, was already one of the most likable Americans of all-time! Up there with Washington, Martin Luther King Jr and O.J. before that whole spat thing.

I feel Tappy Tibbons should get some sort of honorable mention, even though he is fictional.

What about Anthony Robbins? I feel he falls in this category even though he only sells self-confidence.



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15 -20. Anthony Robbins - Yes! I was definitely meaning to add him to the list between spots 15 and 20, I just could not remember the guy's name for the life of me!

15-25. Mr. T - I pity the fool who forgets to put Mr. T on the list of best pitchmen.

pinback wrote:I feel Tappy Tibbons should get some sort of honorable mention, even though he is fictional.

pinback: I hope you feel really bad about yourself for proposing such a terrible idea.

I don't, but I'd enjoy a discussion about why he's a bad choice, other than not technically existing. I'm trying to learn here.

pinback wrote:but I'd enjoy a discussion about why he's a bad choice, other than not technically existing.

It's for the same reason why we don't celebrate Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger on Veterans Day.

Well, I said "honorable mention", I didn't say put him on the list.

I would just like Tappy's greatness acknowledged at some point.

Juice by you, Mr. Mays.

Juice by you.

Ok, I am new here, and so I will play ball. Besides the obvious of not being an actual person, the only merit you could present this person would be on their acting ability since they never actually pitched a product. Now you could make the argument that the actor who played the roll helped to sell the movie, and this would be an legitimate argument if it weren't for the fact that the original rules I had created would disqualify it because of the fact that you have a big name celebrity (Christopher McDonald) helping to sell a mainstream product, and it is not being sold on regular television stations.

Billy Mays is the spiritual successor to Tdarcos. Just in time apparently.

We've got a winner!

Billy Mays wrote:13. Miss Cleo

Not sure whether this counts as "ironic" or "it'a not ironic and Alanis Morissette doesn't have the slightest idea what she's talking about," but to speak of a spokesperson for psychics.

Dionne Warwick did a lot of advertisements for the "Psychic Friends Network," and one of her songs, "Love Power," begins with "Saw a psychic, in LA, just the other day..."

Again, I'm not sure if that's ironic or not.

37. Dionne Warwick - (Space reserved for Tdarcos to make a comment).

37th place feels right for her. Wasted potential, though, because she was the only pitchperson that we liked before the pitches. I mean, we grew to love Billy. Dionne we all, as a country, liked her immediately!

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: she was the only pitchperson that we liked before the pitches.

What?!?!

Did you even read the list????

Gerorge Foreman was a legendary boxer. Suzanne Somers was on Three's Company which is easily a top ten sitcom. Richard Karn played one of the most endearing characters in TV history. Mr. T was the ultimate badass. And Chuck Norris is the most dangerous human being on the planet!

8 -14. Christie Brinkley - I need to remember to add her to the same spot as Chuck Norris.