God's Verdict: A DELIGHTFUL PERIOD PIECE DEPECTING MY WRATH UPON ALL HEATHENS! ER, DEPICTING. OR WHATEVER. CHRIST.
Lucifer's Verdict: Not my style, but I'm more prone to playing Sim Ant and Enduro. vroom vroom! whee!
My Verdict: I wanted to hate this game. But I just couldn't.
The Review...
The New Orleans Saints may win the Super Bowl, but they need consistent, quality play out of their quarterback. Net Hack may get several hundred messages a day on their usenet group, but how many of them are from virgins? Pink Floyd may one day get together, but Roger Waters and David Gilmour need to make up. A massive comet may have struck the earth, rendering it inhabitable for dinosaurs, but we'll never completely know for sure. I may one day win several thousand dollars in Las Vegas, but first I need to gain an aura of snide, desert confidence. The cleaning crew may not have to wipe down the pair of Nikes I left in the middle of my office when they drop by tonight, but I would sure as hell appreciate it. Red Hat may be a superior Linux package when compared to Slackware, but I'll never know until they port NHL 2000 to it. My friend Bundy may have borrowed a mic in order to make custom wavs, but he's probably using it to chat with anonymous chicks through ICQ. The empire may have ended on Mumberbur 14th, but apparently some clown with a scrap of parchment prevented it. Lindsay may have gone to bed with me, except for the fact that I was too sloshed to be thinking straight that one time. The aliens may have been targeting human beings as early as 1940, or as late as the destruction of Flight 800. A cactus may not nuzzle up against you and lightly suckle your nipples, but it will still feel pain if you expose its neck and cut it, swiftly, with a single stroke from a rusted machete. Pengo may have been wearing a bow tie, or it could have been that his testicles had risen up to his neck because of the fricking cold. The Devil may have decided to go to Georgia only because a dude from New York would have given him a giant sucking chest-wound with a blast from his (or her) silencer-enhanced .357. Ape snot may taste like hot, sweet chocolate, but anyone who would eat and review it tends to mess up the interview for the part of restaurant critic for the newspaper. Daniel Ravipinto may have found a girl or something, thus explaining why he never wrote a game after Tapestry. Rickey Jackson may have been the best left outside linebacker in the history of the NFL but is not a lock for first-ballot hall-of-fame induction. The creators of DJGPP may have eventually come up with a queerer name for their C compiler, but it was too late: they had already released it. Martin Luther King Jr. may have had a few wet dreams as well, but knew enough to keep those for the book deal. The moon landing may have been a hoax, I mean, after all -- who turned that camera on? Cujo may have been a good dog without rabies, but he still should have tried to eat that kid regardless. Stephen Hawking may know more about the universe than any other male that has ever lived, but he still gets a chubby when Seven of Nine saunters along his teevee. My rotisserie football team may go 1-16 this year. Hitler may have ordered the inhumane destruction of up to seven million people, but I could still take him in a game of Bomberman on the Turbo Duo. Cyrix may have developed some absolutely crappy processors, but that was still no reason for Via to acquire them and crush them under their heel like a beetle. A follower of Magic: The Gathering may get more upset with a "sales associate" handing him a Homelands Expansion pack when he asked for an Ice Age Starter then he would if his own parents were consumed by a pack of gay cannibals. Your ex-girlfriends may call you on Christmas due to their guilt over dumping you, but that's still no reason to not try one last time for phone sex. Gary Hart may have been president if it were not for his infatuation with Donna Rice. The Mesa Verde Indians may have had a glorious civilization but didn't have the wheel. My aunt may have been my uncle if she had been born with a set of nads.
Christian Text Adventure may have been an absolutely solid adventure game that taught some essential, moral principle involving a bible and a sword but I couldn't get past the first freaking door. I mean, Holy Shit. Y'know?
Simple Rating: 3.5 / 10
Complicated Rating:
Story: 6.5 / 10
Writing: 6.0 / 10
Playability: 0 / 10
Puzzle Quality: 0 / 10
Parser Responsiveness: 3 / 10
Ben sprach the following on November 14th, 1999
So? Care to re-evaluate?
I just noticed a very funny part of this review, which is that the "Story" got a rating of "6.5". As far as I can tell, the only story the reviewer experienced was "guy standing around in room." If this rates a 6.5, then maybe Cadre has a point.
Bryan sprach the following on November 15th, 1999
Are you telling me that the sensitive tale of a guy standing around in a room in front of an unopened door with unimaginable excitement and religious progaganda awaiting inside is not a good story? Geez, man. I get chills down my spine just thinking about it. And besides, Mizer Cadre was speaking of our reviews of comp games, not our reviews of thirteen year old AGT stand-bys.
Lou Bega sprach the following on November 15th, 1999
This game was fine, but what I'm waiting for is CHRISTIAN TEXT ADVENTURE NUMBAH FIVE! [insert catchy horn riff here].
Robb sprach the following on November 15th, 1999:
Yes, a 65% -- from what I saw, it looked like the dude had a fricking sword and a bible and was going to FUCK SHIT UP. As I had not got out of the room yet, I was left to my own devices as to what the hell was going on. 65% is the last possible percentage point one could get and still "pass" where I went to high school. I mean -- a damn ZERO for Puzzle Quality and Playability? I don't think I've ever given out two zeroes in those two things for non-experimental IF.
I will re-evaluate it and write up my post-first-room thoughts when I get some time to come back to it. I absolutely promise. CTA1 kinda lost its place in the Robby Queue, but I will *definitely* re-visit it.
I promise.
Robb sprach the following on January 11th, 2000:
Ah, Lou Bega. OK, I get it now. Very funny. I was in Canada for New Year's and Lou was doing his Mambo for people in British Columbia. Some absolute filthy whore introduced him, no doubt reveling in her fifteen seconds of infamy. She proceeded to ask the denizens assembled whether they wanted Mambo #1. Then Mambo #2. This continued until she actually reached #5 and was slightly confused as to why the general populace before her did not react with interest, excitement and froth.
Well honey, let me explain it to you. Mambo #1 -- you are a whore. Mambo #2 -- no one has any reason to be remotely interested in you while you are talking. Mambo #3 -- take it off. Mambo #4 -- by December 31st, 1999 even Lou Bega was sick of his own damn song. Mambo #5 -- you will never be heard from again and have no idea that you were slammed -- harshly -- on this smarmy little review site. Live with it.
Incidently, I totally and completely lied. I will never play CTA#1 again. I should just cut the crap. However, Ben, if you played it I think you should review it. That way all the bases are, y'know, covered and Mr. Nance could get feedback he can use.
Narmean?