What?

Well, mostly I'm tired of computer games being demonized by ignoramii who are looking for a cheap and easy scapegoats for all of society's ills. It really irritates me when people go out and sell an agenda that is easy, lazy, inherently incorrect and hypocritical. Real sorry if I happen to like my entertainment interactive, rather than sit -- drooling and slack jawed -- as a mediocre writer tells me a mediocre story via mediocre acting and directing. We've reached an age where we're not sitting in caves attempting to survive as a species. We should have something to say about the universe and conditions we live in -- if only for there to be any sort of ultimate human progress.

Now that I've justified the existence of video games to you, let the whacking begin!

October 17th, 1999

Very little, in terms of personally developed snide comments, need to be added by your friendly neighborhood software reviewer. I think it's great because most likely some over-zealous intern piped up with, "let's make this story topical! Use a game that'll probably be released right around the time this goes to print!" and then got burned because Sierra, as a company, is unable to announce a release date that has anything in common with reality.

(No, that's not me banging on developers. Just publishers.)

The imagery is great, too. Oh, you saw a big rack of Half-Life games, huh? That game has been out for almost a year. I'm guessing Sierra isn't still paying for primo floorspace, seeing how as a company they are too cheap to include printed manuals. What a complete crock.

Video Games are not evil. I can't believe there are actually human beings on this planet who think so. And furthermore, it's not against the law for a minor to buy a game rated "Mature." Even if you ignore the lies and deceit that Family PC is trying to play on us, it's not like little "Tricia" bought a bottle of vodka and ivory wastebasket. ISDA's got about as much influence over the lives of actual human beings as the upcoming harmonic convergence.

You have to also like how Family PC decided to give a lot of crap to the poor kids working in customer service. Ignoring, for a moment, that it was probably all completely fabricated, there's nothing like making life hell for some underpaid bastard who has found himself in a position of "power" at CompUSA. Make them pay!

Family PC is a total joke.

October 15th, 1999

September 19th, 1999

Kingpin is a rather realistic first person shooter that was released on June 26th, 1999, prompting video game sales associates everywhere to ask for ID, thus giving them something in common with local theatre clerks besides megaboogered children and generally chubby motos. The really cool bit about Kingpin is that it allows the player to interact with some of the game's denizens in a positive or negative way. For instance, in, say, Quake II you might see a guy in a new room, walk in, and shoot him in the back. In Kingpin, though, you can walk into an alley (!!), tell a guy that you will "fucking bury him," get taunted in return, and then whip out your concealed weapon and blow his goddamn head clear off. Course, if you happen to miss (and the shakes do inevitably get the best of us from time-to-time) your target will often run like a frightened poodle around the level. Hilarity ensues as you attempt to corner the gangsta bitch and pop a cap through her skull.

The best bit of this is that it will allow for software developers to incorporate conversation within the first person shooter genre. This could seriously work if mixed correctly, as traditionally the weakest part of FPS were the characters and conversation, while combat has always been awful for text adventures. The SDK is still in development and the team at  Reviews From Trotting Krips will keep you updated as to developments with this story.

September 17th, 1999

Yeah. You wouldn't want to be like the "WFW." Attention Fucking Morons: justify your existence. Yes, your church got press. Yes, you've managed to further isolate the Christian religion from a largely cynical and unaffected teenage generation. Yes, you've managed to come off as a couple of dumb, lazy-minded idiots to the entire world.

Was it worth it?

OK. Just for the record. It has to be said at least once. Pokemon is not evil. I somehow hardly feel refreshed and happy about it -- especially since it has single handedly kept Nintendo in business as they churn out one tired game after another for their capitalist-hating, underpowered game console. Pokemon is about a bunch of little pixels fighting a bunch of differently mapped pixels. It allows its player to get attached to the individual pocket monsters while also challenging him or her to collect all the available characters. For the love of Christ -- have they got nothing better to do? This kind of senseless rhetoric is all you have to sell in order not to have to pay taxes?

And geez -- real nice effect, burning them with a fricking blowtorch. What, the rocket launcher and tesla cannon were not available? When your actions become more like that in the game Blood II than in real life, I'm guessing you've officially become part of the problem rather than the solution.

Remember when all we had to worry about were pastors and priests molesting little boys? At least you knew where you stood back then. Who'd have thought we'd be longing for those good old days?

(I must admit, though, if more Methodists were packing blowtorches and free video games, I'd probably be more of a church-goer. But they'd have to add booth babes and hard cider for me to enjoy it.)

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