by bruce » Sun Jan 26, 2003 2:37 am
Wow, that was FUCKING AWESOME.
We started playing about 2:00 PM, stopped for dinner from 6 to 7, and played again until 11:30.
In that time, my players:
1) Took the fucking hint about the cockatrice, and carried it around on the pole it was already stuck to, pecking people with it occasionally and turning them to stone. Whomped a few more undead cows for good measure.
2) Headed up to the front door of the castle, got peppered with arrows, and actually decided to take cover/turn invisible/whatever and got inside, slaughtered the Bovinian (read: minotaur Lite) guards (with clever use of <i>grease</i> on one staircase and then <i>web</i> on the other as the remaining guard tried to come down it), and got into the keep proper.
3) FIreballed a bunch more of the Bovinians in their commons room, and cast <i>grease</i> at the door to slow them in getting out of the burning building. Then chased the survivors down into the root cellar, ambushed them as they tried to get through the secret door into the wine cellar under the inner keep, and murdered them all except Dung-Boy, who shat himself trying to get out of being dragooned into being the guide. The group is mostly chaotic neutral and evil, so this is perfectly acceptable behavior to them....
4) From here, things began to get ugly. After deciding that they didn't really need Dung-Boy's services, they murdered him too. The gnome sorceror with the glowing dick (he, unwisely, pissed on the warp core a few episodes back[0]) found Dennis's (Dennis is the illusionist who is, basically, Dennis Hopper in <i>Apocalypse Now</i>. Remember that we're playing <i>Apocalypse Cow</i>.) stash of expensive tacky outfits and went to town with a pair of scissors to make them fit.
5) They pretty much believed in the illusory dragon long enough to let Dennis fuck with them a little, but then they made short and bloody work of him, TAFKAP delivering a thoroghly repulsive <i>coup de grace</i> with <i>magic missile</i> that was pretty much like shotgunning a tomato.
6) Then they encountered Grandmaster Ratte, both for the Cult of the Dead Cow reference, and because, very very early on in our adventuring days, Lola the Git, Half-Orc Barbarian, came to one of the villians in <i>Thieves in the Forest</i>, a wererat, without having actually found the silver dagger that was supposed to allow you to hurt him earlier in the adventure. So she announced she was grabbing a handful of silver coins and fisting him. And, naturally, rolled a 20 on her to-hit roll. Boom, splat. Well, Grandmaster Ratte was <i>that</i> wererat's brother and had been training himself in martial arts for years so that he could avenge his brother's death, which he attempted to do in cheesy Kung Fu bad lip synced style. Unfortunately I didn't give him enough armor class and he turned out to be a pussy. When he was down and unconscious, Lola daintily delivered the <i>coup de grace</i> with a single anally inserted silver piece.
7) Then on to Kurt. He's a badass cleric minotaur, living inside utter magical darkness, in a tower that smells very badly of death and decay. He quotes all of Marlon Brando's lines from the movie. TAFKAP attempts to light up the place by, well, whipping it out. Kurt doesn't care for the light and severs Taffy's member with his axe. Taffy goes, naturally, berserk, dives under Kurt's robes, grabs hold of his big minotaurean schween, and starts sawing with his dagger. Kurt shrieks and jumps back. Taffy pulls as hard as he can and keeps sawing away with his other hand. Kurt rolls a 2 on his Escape Artist check, and Taffy pulls out another natural 20 on his strength check. Poink. As the rest of the party whales on Kurt, Taffy convinces the party cleric to cast <i>heal</i> on him while he holds the minotaurean member to his own, sad, penis-stump. Now, a bull's penis is like 3 feet long. TAFKAP, being a gnome, is 3'6". Meanwhile, the rest of the party eventually brings down Kurt, and Brad the Asshole lops his head off. The party returns triumphant. Especially Taffy.
What fun!
Bruce
[0] There's a big electrical pillar in <i>Return to the Temple Of Elemental Evil</i>. TAFKAP ("The Artist Formerly Known As Prince"), the gnome, decided to pee on it. Healing magic was able to restore his manhood, or at least some of it, but it glowed after that.
Wow, that was FUCKING AWESOME.
We started playing about 2:00 PM, stopped for dinner from 6 to 7, and played again until 11:30.
In that time, my players:
1) Took the fucking hint about the cockatrice, and carried it around on the pole it was already stuck to, pecking people with it occasionally and turning them to stone. Whomped a few more undead cows for good measure.
2) Headed up to the front door of the castle, got peppered with arrows, and actually decided to take cover/turn invisible/whatever and got inside, slaughtered the Bovinian (read: minotaur Lite) guards (with clever use of <i>grease</i> on one staircase and then <i>web</i> on the other as the remaining guard tried to come down it), and got into the keep proper.
3) FIreballed a bunch more of the Bovinians in their commons room, and cast <i>grease</i> at the door to slow them in getting out of the burning building. Then chased the survivors down into the root cellar, ambushed them as they tried to get through the secret door into the wine cellar under the inner keep, and murdered them all except Dung-Boy, who shat himself trying to get out of being dragooned into being the guide. The group is mostly chaotic neutral and evil, so this is perfectly acceptable behavior to them....
4) From here, things began to get ugly. After deciding that they didn't really need Dung-Boy's services, they murdered him too. The gnome sorceror with the glowing dick (he, unwisely, pissed on the warp core a few episodes back[0]) found Dennis's (Dennis is the illusionist who is, basically, Dennis Hopper in <i>Apocalypse Now</i>. Remember that we're playing <i>Apocalypse Cow</i>.) stash of expensive tacky outfits and went to town with a pair of scissors to make them fit.
5) They pretty much believed in the illusory dragon long enough to let Dennis fuck with them a little, but then they made short and bloody work of him, TAFKAP delivering a thoroghly repulsive <i>coup de grace</i> with <i>magic missile</i> that was pretty much like shotgunning a tomato.
6) Then they encountered Grandmaster Ratte, both for the Cult of the Dead Cow reference, and because, very very early on in our adventuring days, Lola the Git, Half-Orc Barbarian, came to one of the villians in <i>Thieves in the Forest</i>, a wererat, without having actually found the silver dagger that was supposed to allow you to hurt him earlier in the adventure. So she announced she was grabbing a handful of silver coins and fisting him. And, naturally, rolled a 20 on her to-hit roll. Boom, splat. Well, Grandmaster Ratte was <i>that</i> wererat's brother and had been training himself in martial arts for years so that he could avenge his brother's death, which he attempted to do in cheesy Kung Fu bad lip synced style. Unfortunately I didn't give him enough armor class and he turned out to be a pussy. When he was down and unconscious, Lola daintily delivered the <i>coup de grace</i> with a single anally inserted silver piece.
7) Then on to Kurt. He's a badass cleric minotaur, living inside utter magical darkness, in a tower that smells very badly of death and decay. He quotes all of Marlon Brando's lines from the movie. TAFKAP attempts to light up the place by, well, whipping it out. Kurt doesn't care for the light and severs Taffy's member with his axe. Taffy goes, naturally, berserk, dives under Kurt's robes, grabs hold of his big minotaurean schween, and starts sawing with his dagger. Kurt shrieks and jumps back. Taffy pulls as hard as he can and keeps sawing away with his other hand. Kurt rolls a 2 on his Escape Artist check, and Taffy pulls out another natural 20 on his strength check. Poink. As the rest of the party whales on Kurt, Taffy convinces the party cleric to cast <i>heal</i> on him while he holds the minotaurean member to his own, sad, penis-stump. Now, a bull's penis is like 3 feet long. TAFKAP, being a gnome, is 3'6". Meanwhile, the rest of the party eventually brings down Kurt, and Brad the Asshole lops his head off. The party returns triumphant. Especially Taffy.
What fun!
Bruce
[0] There's a big electrical pillar in <i>Return to the Temple Of Elemental Evil</i>. TAFKAP ("The Artist Formerly Known As Prince"), the gnome, decided to pee on it. Healing magic was able to restore his manhood, or at least some of it, but it glowed after that.