So, I was running my players through a little scenario of mine I like to call "Apocalypse Cow." This is part of the ongoing Nine Hills Dairy campaign, which is heavy on milk products of all kinds.
They had, after the journey upriver (including the ambush that resulted in the death of their boat captain and cabin boy, Camembert and Ernie (both cheese mephits, from the Cheese Plane)), arrived at the old dairy, which has been taken over by the minotaur cleric Kurt. Unbeknownst to my players, Kurt is a disciple of the Cult of the Dead Cow. (Yes, we've already had the Back Orifice Virus, which is transmitted by an ecosystem involving the addictive, yet laxative, Black Cheese and modified Otyughs that lurk in privies waiting for afficionados of the Black Cheese (their mental defenses weakened by the narcotic effects of the Cheese) to squat and unwittingly allow the Otyughs to infect them with a swift injection of the VIrus.) Kurt has slaughtered the old staff--their bloated bodies festooning the trees downriver for miles--and turned all the cows into, well, zombie and skeleton cows.
So what do my players do when faced with this Bovine Army of Darkness (50 zombies and 75 skeletons)? Yes, you guessed it, stand toe-to-hoof with them and slug it out. They even ignored the rubber chicken (cockatrice corpse, for those of you who don't play Nethack) I placed for them, impaled next to a sign that said "EAT MOR CHIKIN", which was intended for use as a melee weapon, since it turns things it hits to stone. Nope, they just decided to keep on cowpunching with their usual weapons. There were four, count 'em, four of them, fighting this undead herd.
Sheesh. They got creamed.
They did manage to retreat with only two of the four party members unconscious and bleeding to death, and only one character needed a Raise Dead this week.
I really thought I would get through the whole scenario, too. Aaaargh. It's frustrating.
Bruce
D&D. Really
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Lex
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loafergirl
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bruce
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Eh, I showed them the cockatrice corpse, and showed them the picture in the Monster Manual, and didn't hide the name of the creature. They shoulda known what it was and what it was good for.loafergirl wrote:Did you hint at all for them to use the chickens? if not that is your error as a DM, as I have never played the mentioned game if someone gave me an AD&D scenario with that I'd probably have my character whomp ass with regular weapons.
Bruce
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bruce
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Well, they get another chance tomorrow
When they go to beard the fearsome Kurt the Minotaur (and Grandmaster Ratte) in his lair.
Along with another heaping handful of undead bovines, this time made with the BONE and CORPSE templates from <i>The Book of Vile Darkness</i>. Of course, since those things are basically skeletons and zombies with their initial intelligence, and the creatures are, um, dairy cows, I'm not sure it will make much difference.
Bruce
Along with another heaping handful of undead bovines, this time made with the BONE and CORPSE templates from <i>The Book of Vile Darkness</i>. Of course, since those things are basically skeletons and zombies with their initial intelligence, and the creatures are, um, dairy cows, I'm not sure it will make much difference.
Bruce
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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I wish, when I was playing D&D, I had a DM like Bruce. I always had to be the DM whenever I played. At one point I had complete command of the 2nd Edition of the game. (I don't mean that in a superhuman way, I just mean in terms of running an organized game from start to finish and such.) The protagonist in the game I am working on is a D&D nut, and I've been re-reading all the rule books -- it's amazing all the stuff I've forgotten.
You seem like a 1st Edition guy to me, though, Bruce. But that's just a guess. I always liked reading the 1st Edition books (the 1st Edition DM Manual is so freaking well-written -- Gygax gets a lot of shit, but goddamn was he on for that thing) and always used it wherever 2nd lacked.
You seem like a 1st Edition guy to me, though, Bruce. But that's just a guess. I always liked reading the 1st Edition books (the 1st Edition DM Manual is so freaking well-written -- Gygax gets a lot of shit, but goddamn was he on for that thing) and always used it wherever 2nd lacked.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
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bruce
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Good guess. Yeah, I was First Edition, and then I stopped playing D&D shortly after <i>Unearthed Arcana</i> and <i>Monster Manual II</i>, played Call of Cthulhu and GURPS for many years, and then a few years ago, found a group of gamers in central Jersey, and the system we all had in common was First Ed. After that I went straight to Third after I got to St. Louis, except that I took a big detour through Planescape, which is Second Edition, because <i>Planescape: Torment</i> was so terrific.Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: You seem like a 1st Edition guy to me, though, Bruce. But that's just a guess. I always liked reading the 1st Edition books (the 1st Edition DM Manual is so freaking well-written -- Gygax gets a lot of shit, but goddamn was he on for that thing) and always used it wherever 2nd lacked.
One of the nice things about Third Edition, that no one comments on, is that it largely pretends Second Edition didn't happen. For instance, the "Example Game" in the DMG? Same dungeon, same encounters as in the First Edition DMG. Demons and Devils have their correct names again. I miss the Wandering Harlot Table in 1st Edition, though, and I'm very disappointed that it didn't make it into HackMaster, which is a terrific spoof of First Edition and all that it entailed as well as being a pretty damn good game in its own right. It's basically First Edition with house rules as they'd have been written by powergaming, adversarial-with-the-DM, rules-lawyering types. Very much a reaction against White Wolf-style Storytelling games. It's a hoot. http://www.kenzerco.com/rpg/hackmaster.
So I guess it's fairer to say that I'm a not-Second Edition kinda guy. Second Edition was basically the worst of TSR's Pussification Phase. Of course, what you see now is what you're going to get, because Hasbro, who owns WotC, who bought TSR, fired pretty much anyone with any creative talent a few months ago. But 3d Ed is still a very fine system for heroic fantasy roleplaying.
Bruce
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bruce
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Everyone is redeemed.
Wow, that was FUCKING AWESOME.
We started playing about 2:00 PM, stopped for dinner from 6 to 7, and played again until 11:30.
In that time, my players:
1) Took the fucking hint about the cockatrice, and carried it around on the pole it was already stuck to, pecking people with it occasionally and turning them to stone. Whomped a few more undead cows for good measure.
2) Headed up to the front door of the castle, got peppered with arrows, and actually decided to take cover/turn invisible/whatever and got inside, slaughtered the Bovinian (read: minotaur Lite) guards (with clever use of <i>grease</i> on one staircase and then <i>web</i> on the other as the remaining guard tried to come down it), and got into the keep proper.
3) FIreballed a bunch more of the Bovinians in their commons room, and cast <i>grease</i> at the door to slow them in getting out of the burning building. Then chased the survivors down into the root cellar, ambushed them as they tried to get through the secret door into the wine cellar under the inner keep, and murdered them all except Dung-Boy, who shat himself trying to get out of being dragooned into being the guide. The group is mostly chaotic neutral and evil, so this is perfectly acceptable behavior to them....
4) From here, things began to get ugly. After deciding that they didn't really need Dung-Boy's services, they murdered him too. The gnome sorceror with the glowing dick (he, unwisely, pissed on the warp core a few episodes back[0]) found Dennis's (Dennis is the illusionist who is, basically, Dennis Hopper in <i>Apocalypse Now</i>. Remember that we're playing <i>Apocalypse Cow</i>.) stash of expensive tacky outfits and went to town with a pair of scissors to make them fit.
5) They pretty much believed in the illusory dragon long enough to let Dennis fuck with them a little, but then they made short and bloody work of him, TAFKAP delivering a thoroghly repulsive <i>coup de grace</i> with <i>magic missile</i> that was pretty much like shotgunning a tomato.
6) Then they encountered Grandmaster Ratte, both for the Cult of the Dead Cow reference, and because, very very early on in our adventuring days, Lola the Git, Half-Orc Barbarian, came to one of the villians in <i>Thieves in the Forest</i>, a wererat, without having actually found the silver dagger that was supposed to allow you to hurt him earlier in the adventure. So she announced she was grabbing a handful of silver coins and fisting him. And, naturally, rolled a 20 on her to-hit roll. Boom, splat. Well, Grandmaster Ratte was <i>that</i> wererat's brother and had been training himself in martial arts for years so that he could avenge his brother's death, which he attempted to do in cheesy Kung Fu bad lip synced style. Unfortunately I didn't give him enough armor class and he turned out to be a pussy. When he was down and unconscious, Lola daintily delivered the <i>coup de grace</i> with a single anally inserted silver piece.
7) Then on to Kurt. He's a badass cleric minotaur, living inside utter magical darkness, in a tower that smells very badly of death and decay. He quotes all of Marlon Brando's lines from the movie. TAFKAP attempts to light up the place by, well, whipping it out. Kurt doesn't care for the light and severs Taffy's member with his axe. Taffy goes, naturally, berserk, dives under Kurt's robes, grabs hold of his big minotaurean schween, and starts sawing with his dagger. Kurt shrieks and jumps back. Taffy pulls as hard as he can and keeps sawing away with his other hand. Kurt rolls a 2 on his Escape Artist check, and Taffy pulls out another natural 20 on his strength check. Poink. As the rest of the party whales on Kurt, Taffy convinces the party cleric to cast <i>heal</i> on him while he holds the minotaurean member to his own, sad, penis-stump. Now, a bull's penis is like 3 feet long. TAFKAP, being a gnome, is 3'6". Meanwhile, the rest of the party eventually brings down Kurt, and Brad the Asshole lops his head off. The party returns triumphant. Especially Taffy.
What fun!
Bruce
[0] There's a big electrical pillar in <i>Return to the Temple Of Elemental Evil</i>. TAFKAP ("The Artist Formerly Known As Prince"), the gnome, decided to pee on it. Healing magic was able to restore his manhood, or at least some of it, but it glowed after that.
We started playing about 2:00 PM, stopped for dinner from 6 to 7, and played again until 11:30.
In that time, my players:
1) Took the fucking hint about the cockatrice, and carried it around on the pole it was already stuck to, pecking people with it occasionally and turning them to stone. Whomped a few more undead cows for good measure.
2) Headed up to the front door of the castle, got peppered with arrows, and actually decided to take cover/turn invisible/whatever and got inside, slaughtered the Bovinian (read: minotaur Lite) guards (with clever use of <i>grease</i> on one staircase and then <i>web</i> on the other as the remaining guard tried to come down it), and got into the keep proper.
3) FIreballed a bunch more of the Bovinians in their commons room, and cast <i>grease</i> at the door to slow them in getting out of the burning building. Then chased the survivors down into the root cellar, ambushed them as they tried to get through the secret door into the wine cellar under the inner keep, and murdered them all except Dung-Boy, who shat himself trying to get out of being dragooned into being the guide. The group is mostly chaotic neutral and evil, so this is perfectly acceptable behavior to them....
4) From here, things began to get ugly. After deciding that they didn't really need Dung-Boy's services, they murdered him too. The gnome sorceror with the glowing dick (he, unwisely, pissed on the warp core a few episodes back[0]) found Dennis's (Dennis is the illusionist who is, basically, Dennis Hopper in <i>Apocalypse Now</i>. Remember that we're playing <i>Apocalypse Cow</i>.) stash of expensive tacky outfits and went to town with a pair of scissors to make them fit.
5) They pretty much believed in the illusory dragon long enough to let Dennis fuck with them a little, but then they made short and bloody work of him, TAFKAP delivering a thoroghly repulsive <i>coup de grace</i> with <i>magic missile</i> that was pretty much like shotgunning a tomato.
6) Then they encountered Grandmaster Ratte, both for the Cult of the Dead Cow reference, and because, very very early on in our adventuring days, Lola the Git, Half-Orc Barbarian, came to one of the villians in <i>Thieves in the Forest</i>, a wererat, without having actually found the silver dagger that was supposed to allow you to hurt him earlier in the adventure. So she announced she was grabbing a handful of silver coins and fisting him. And, naturally, rolled a 20 on her to-hit roll. Boom, splat. Well, Grandmaster Ratte was <i>that</i> wererat's brother and had been training himself in martial arts for years so that he could avenge his brother's death, which he attempted to do in cheesy Kung Fu bad lip synced style. Unfortunately I didn't give him enough armor class and he turned out to be a pussy. When he was down and unconscious, Lola daintily delivered the <i>coup de grace</i> with a single anally inserted silver piece.
7) Then on to Kurt. He's a badass cleric minotaur, living inside utter magical darkness, in a tower that smells very badly of death and decay. He quotes all of Marlon Brando's lines from the movie. TAFKAP attempts to light up the place by, well, whipping it out. Kurt doesn't care for the light and severs Taffy's member with his axe. Taffy goes, naturally, berserk, dives under Kurt's robes, grabs hold of his big minotaurean schween, and starts sawing with his dagger. Kurt shrieks and jumps back. Taffy pulls as hard as he can and keeps sawing away with his other hand. Kurt rolls a 2 on his Escape Artist check, and Taffy pulls out another natural 20 on his strength check. Poink. As the rest of the party whales on Kurt, Taffy convinces the party cleric to cast <i>heal</i> on him while he holds the minotaurean member to his own, sad, penis-stump. Now, a bull's penis is like 3 feet long. TAFKAP, being a gnome, is 3'6". Meanwhile, the rest of the party eventually brings down Kurt, and Brad the Asshole lops his head off. The party returns triumphant. Especially Taffy.
What fun!
Bruce
[0] There's a big electrical pillar in <i>Return to the Temple Of Elemental Evil</i>. TAFKAP ("The Artist Formerly Known As Prince"), the gnome, decided to pee on it. Healing magic was able to restore his manhood, or at least some of it, but it glowed after that.
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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I'd say "how did they divy up the treasure and who got the best bits?"... but it looks quite obvious that Taffy did.As the rest of the party whales on Kurt, Taffy convinces the party cleric to cast heal on him while he holds the minotaurean member to his own, sad, penis-stump. Now, a bull's penis is like 3 feet long. TAFKAP, being a gnome, is 3'6". Meanwhile, the rest of the party eventually brings down Kurt, and Brad the Asshole lops his head off. The party returns triumphant. Especially Taffy.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
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loafergirl
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Hehehe one of the first things anyone in my roleplaying group does when they see a large creature like a dragon or pit fiend is say "I attempt to disbelieve" =)
Every now and again you have to throw in some whacky shit to catch the players attention again (for instance a few sessions ago I took over DMing because the regular DM needed a break) he didn't want to tell me to much for plots sake so it had to be hack and slash which can get boring, so along with the carnivorous apes attacking the party I threw in a visit from Mojo Jojo at the end to wake everyone back up.
Oh and something else amusing that was around for 2nd edition but could be easily adapted...
http://www.lysator.liu.se/~johol/netboo ... carnal.txt
The realistically speaking I would not aprove in terms of comedy Bybigs Bitchslap is one of the funnier spells
And at one point I found a sight that had D&D adlibs but I don't have the link anymore.
-LG
Every now and again you have to throw in some whacky shit to catch the players attention again (for instance a few sessions ago I took over DMing because the regular DM needed a break) he didn't want to tell me to much for plots sake so it had to be hack and slash which can get boring, so along with the carnivorous apes attacking the party I threw in a visit from Mojo Jojo at the end to wake everyone back up.
Oh and something else amusing that was around for 2nd edition but could be easily adapted...
http://www.lysator.liu.se/~johol/netboo ... carnal.txt
The realistically speaking I would not aprove in terms of comedy Bybigs Bitchslap is one of the funnier spells
And at one point I found a sight that had D&D adlibs but I don't have the link anymore.
-LG
1, 2, 5!
3 sir...
3!
3 sir...
3!
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bruce
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TAFKAP
If I get time (not likely) before the next session I'm going to make some movie posters, starring TAFKAP.
I need suggestions of pornified titles based on the line of classic AD&D modules. Some don't even need pr0nification.
For instance:
L!: The Secret of Bone Hill
Q1: Queen of the Demonweb Pits
G2: The Glacial Rift of the Frost Giant Jarl
D3: Vault of the Drow
Some need a little help:
S1: Tomb of Whores
D1: Descent into the Depths of the Colon
Anyone else got any ideas for me?
Bruce
I need suggestions of pornified titles based on the line of classic AD&D modules. Some don't even need pr0nification.
For instance:
L!: The Secret of Bone Hill
Q1: Queen of the Demonweb Pits
G2: The Glacial Rift of the Frost Giant Jarl
D3: Vault of the Drow
Some need a little help:
S1: Tomb of Whores
D1: Descent into the Depths of the Colon
Anyone else got any ideas for me?
Bruce
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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I found the Tomb of Horrors (first edition) on Kazaa last night. As far as I can tell, the thing is completely out of print. If it isn't out of print, i.e., if it's being sold somewhere then someone please let me know and I will take the following down:
http://www.joltcountry.com/downloads/toh.zip
Actually, I will probably have to take it down at the end of the month anyway, as it's 18MB and I don't want to bankrupt myself or my alloted transfer range in February. But everything I've ever read indicates that this is a really good module.
http://www.joltcountry.com/downloads/toh.zip
Actually, I will probably have to take it down at the end of the month anyway, as it's 18MB and I don't want to bankrupt myself or my alloted transfer range in February. But everything I've ever read indicates that this is a really good module.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
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bruce
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It's probably being sold in PDF form by WotC., and probably Return to the Tomb of Horrors (which was 2d edition but had ToH as its chapter 2 (of 4)) is still being sold, though it might not be in print.Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I found the Tomb of Horrors (first edition) on Kazaa last night. As far as I can tell, the thing is completely out of print. If it isn't out of print, i.e., if it's being sold somewhere then someone please let me know and I will take the following down:
It is, absolutely, the finest Deathtrap Dungeon Crawl EVER, bar none. It's really Gygax at the absolute peak of his powers. Everyone ought to read (or better, play) it.
Adam
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Gyaah!! I don't want to be Mr Media Pir8, so I'll bring that down when I get home tonight.
Gygax really was the man there, for a while. Why was he nowhere near the 2nd Edition ruleset? Did he burn all his bridges by then, or was he against the attempts of 2nd Edition to make the game more stream-lined and easier to comprehend? The guy reminds me of Crawford an awful lot.
Gygax really was the man there, for a while. Why was he nowhere near the 2nd Edition ruleset? Did he burn all his bridges by then, or was he against the attempts of 2nd Edition to make the game more stream-lined and easier to comprehend? The guy reminds me of Crawford an awful lot.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
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bruce
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Don't hurry. I can't even find the ESD portion of WotC anymore. I think Hasbro closed it, the bunch of pricks. So it is, AFAICT, no longer available. Fuckheads.Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Gyaah!! I don't want to be Mr Media Pir8, so I'll bring that down when I get home tonight.
He lost control of TSR, because he'd put the company in his wife's name for tax reasons, and then she divorced him. He actually posts, or used to, on the KenzerCo HackMaster forums, as Col_Playdoh, and I heard that Kenzer was trying to do some sort of Castle GreyHack negotiations with him, which would TOTALLY KICK ASS. He seems like a very funny guy, and really pretty sane, unlike Crawford.Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Gygax really was the man there, for a while. Why was he nowhere near the 2nd Edition ruleset? Did he burn all his bridges by then, or was he against the attempts of 2nd Edition to make the game more stream-lined and easier to comprehend? The guy reminds me of Crawford an awful lot.
Bruce
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bruce
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March 1 Update
So, tonight we had an abbreviated session.
The party was still in <i>Womb of Horrors</i>. And Bodhidharma Diddly tossed TAFKAP through the "reverse sex and alignment" portal.
TAFKAP is now Tara, a buxom Lawful Good female gnome sorceress. She was, naturally, horrified at being the star of a porn film. Wackiness ensued.
Also, Ron Jermlaine got killed a bunch.
Bruce
The party was still in <i>Womb of Horrors</i>. And Bodhidharma Diddly tossed TAFKAP through the "reverse sex and alignment" portal.
TAFKAP is now Tara, a buxom Lawful Good female gnome sorceress. She was, naturally, horrified at being the star of a porn film. Wackiness ensued.
Also, Ron Jermlaine got killed a bunch.
Bruce
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MONKEY MONKEY
Re: March 1 Update
bruce wrote:So, tonight we had an abbreviated session.
TAFKAP is now Tara, a buxom Lawful Good female gnome sorceress. She was, naturally, horrified at being the star of a porn film. Wackiness ensued.
Bruce
OH CHRIST, BRUEC... I CAN'T EVEN SAY THE WORDS.
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bruce
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Re: March 1 Update
I blame my wife.MONKEY MONKEY wrote: OH CHRIST, BRUEC... I CAN'T EVEN SAY THE WORDS.
Her character is the one who threw TAFKAP through that portal. Even after the fluffer dramatically demonstrated what happened when you went through it.
Bruce