Story Chapter

[AArdvark]

Egged on by the Commander's excerpt from his new up and coming, I decided to bring home some of my stuff and post it here. But there are requirements first..

First you have to read the original scene, in order to see what crap it is, then you can read my re-write and offer commentary.


Original story: Remember, this is an actual published book, god knows how or why..

To a certain extent, Thora was very pleased now that Khrest had requested her help. Without wanting to admit it to herself, she was eagerly waiting for a chance to prove to Perry Rhodan that she could be a quite useful person and not just an impatient haughty woman causing trouble and confusion. Perhaps examining the prisoner would offer such an opportunity to redeem herself.

Khrest was awaiting her. The room in which Raleigh was lying strapped on an examination table was rather large but at this moment so jammed full of instruments of all kind that there was hardly room in which to move around.

`What are you planning to do?' Thora asked in her own Arkonide language.

`Deep probe,' replied Khrest curtly.

Thora audibly drew a deep breath. `Have you exhausted all other approaches?'

Khrest shook his head. `I've tried everything. Assuming he still has a remnant of some memory of the incident with the unknown person who put him under his hypnotic spell, the memory is buried so deep that we can hope to reach it only with a special depth probe.'

Thora's face was serious when. she spoke. `Let's hope he'll survive this ordeal.'

Khrest rolled a little table with the complicated deep-prober instrument next to the examination table. `Will you take charge of the electrodes while I watch the indicator?'

Without a word, Thora took the two spindle-shaped parts of the apparatus which were connected by two thick cables to the actual instrument, and fastened them to a frame above Raleigh's head. The thin ends of the spindles were now pointing at Raleigh's head.

`Ready?' asked Khrest.

Thora checked the position of the spindles. `Yes, go ahead!'

A soft, hum came, now from the small apparatus. Thora kept watching the spindles. They remained undisturbed.

`Full charge!' said Khrest.

The prober-screen showed now the first wave reflexes-a confusion of green lines which for the time being could not be interpreted. Khrest made sure that the film camera attached to the apparatus was working. The film would later be presented to the positronicon for evaluation in order to decipher Raleigh's memories.

The tangle of lines on the screen showed up clearly. It became evident that Raleigh's brain was just an average specimen.

`Exchange the two spindles, please!' requested Khrest after some time had elapsed.

Thora made the change. A second period of radiation produced complementary pictures to the first ones they had already obtained.

The whole examination lasted about 15 minutes.

`That's it!' said Khrest. A switch clicked, a lever fell, the humming sound gradually died down. Nothing had changed all throughout the examination in Raleigh's facial expression. He was breathing quietly and regularly.

`He seems to have withstood it alright,' remarked Thora.

But Khrest was already busy with other things. `Do you want to help me with the evaluation?' he asked.

Thora smiled. `Are you feeling alright, Khrest? My diagnosis: A Terranian-type burst of activity! Here you are working as much in one hour as you would not have accomplished in one whole day back home on Arkon.'

Khrest returned the smile. `Vitality is contagious,' he answered, `or would you prefer lying under a cerebronicon and look at the wave patterns?'

Thora laughed out loud. `No, no! I'd rather help you here!'

[AArdvark]

Now for a better version:


Meanwhile back in Terrania, Khrass, the three-eyed Arkanoid, had arrived at a stage during his inter-brain examinations of Raleigh where he hoped to obtain the first important information.
Raleigh had spent the last few days in a trance and had offered no resistance to Khrass's endeavors to penetrate into his subconscious mind. Khrass knew how important the information in Raleigh's brain might be for Harry Rhodant. He asked Thurp to assist him with the decisive examination.
Thurp, the beautiful three eyed, triple-breasted Arkanoid woman, had been recovering from the shock she had suffered during her recent adventure on Venus.
To a certain extent, Thurp was very pleased now that Khrass had requested her help. Without a ship to command she felt quite useless here on Earth. She was waiting for a chance to involve herself in something and not just be an impatient haughty alien causing trouble and confusion.
Khrass was awaiting her in his lab. He was wearing a white smock that matched his hair and eyebrows. Raleigh was unconscious, strapped to a wheeled examination table. 'To do what, are you planning?' Thurp asked in the Arkanoid language.
'Deep probe,' replied Khrass curtly.
Thurp audibly drew a deep breath and looked at him with all three eyes. 'Dangerous to him that could be.'
Khrass shook his head. 'I know, everything else I have tried. Memory of the enemy he still has, buried deep it is. Brain probe we need.'
Thurp's face was serious when she spoke. `Survive this will he?'
'Hoping we are.' Said Khrass
'Lucky you are, helping you I am able now. Approaching rapidly my zug-zug cycle is.'
Khrass looked at her with two eyes. He had not realized that Thurp wasn't taking her anti zug-zug tablets. The Arkanoid species normally went into a sexual heat twice a year, but with the aid of the anti zug-zug tablets they could go for years without the annoying intrusion of having to copulate every three or four hours for two weeks straight. When the zug-zug was past, the Arkanoids were usually bed-ridden for days and it took weeks for them to be fully recovered. Khrass wondered why she had stopped taking her tablets, but it was really none of his business. All he said was, 'Lucky humans.' He was past the age of the zug-zug and all the irrational behaviors that went with it. He suspected that her sneaking off to Venus six months ago had something to do with her not taking her tablets.
He rolled Raleigh's table over to the deep-prober. He looked at her with one eye while he adjusted the controls. 'Installing the probe spindles please? Setup the control I will.'
With a nod, she took the two spindle-shaped parts of the apparatus which were connected by two cables to the actual instrument, and fastened them to a frame above Raleigh's head. The thin ends of the spindles were now about an inch away from Raleigh's temples.
'Ready?' asked Khrass.
'Ready' Replied Thurp.
Khrass flipped two switches and slowly turned a large black dial on the machine. A soft, hum came, now from the small apparatus. Thurp kept watching the spindles. They remained undisturbed.
'Full charge I am going.' said Khrass.
He twisted the dial all the way over. The hum became louder. The lights in the lab flickered and dimmed. Blue sparks suddenly jumped from the spindles to Raleigh's head, singing some of his hair. He moaned in his sleep but stayed still.
The prober-screen showed the first wave reflexes-a confusion of green lines which for the time being could not be interpreted. Khrass made sure that the large film camera attached to the apparatus was working. The film would later be developed and transferred to the Positronicon for evaluation in order to decipher Raleigh's memories.
The tangle of lines on the screen showed up clearly. It became evident that Raleigh's brain was an average specimen.
'Larger spindles we need. Reset the machine I will and closer resolution we will have.'
'Brain-toast it may make. Dangerous it might be.'
'Answers to many questions this man has. Worth the risk it must be.' In English he added, 'Besides, as the saying goes, they are only human.'
Thurp shrugged and replaced the thin spindles with the larger ones. When she finished she gave Khrass the ready signal and he turned the dial back to full blast again. The hum was very loud this time and the overhead lights went almost totally dark. The lab was lit up by the flashing blue sparks jumping from the spindles to Raleigh's head.
'Record it this will if memories in here are.' said Khrass in his own tongue.
The examination lasted about 15 minutes.
'That's all' said Khrass. He twisted the dial back to zero again and pulled the main switches to off. The humming sound gradually died down as the lights came back to full strength. Nothing had changed all throughout the examination in Raleigh's facial expression. He was breathing quietly and regularly.
'Looks alright he does.' remarked Thurp, looking at Raleigh with one eye. Khrass was already busy with the camera. 'Helping me transcode please?' he asked.
Thurp looked at Khrass with all three eyes. 'Feeling alright are you, Khrass? Working like an Earthman you are. Not so much work at home on Arkanoid would you be doing.'
Khrass returned the smile. In English he said, 'While these earthmen may sometimes act like snurflbarfers, their vitality is contagious,' he answered, 'Anyway, would you prefer lying under a zaxxonicon and consuming mass quantities?'
Thurp laughed out loud. 'Don't be a thak-weed, I'd rather help you here.'

[Roody_Yogurt]

Good work, Vark. I think you're on to something there.

[Tdarcos]

I have to tell you, I think the original works better although it was pretty cheesy.

Now, if you have space aliens they should have strange names - that was where Heinlein got his idea for Stranger in a Strange Land, "What would you expect, a Martian named 'Smith'?" - and possibly some of their technology is going to have unusual and possibly unpronounceable names, but you should try to define what the things are so the audience can understand it.

Yoda phrasing necessity explain? Cute it is two or three lines perhaps, tedious unnecessarily thereafter.

Yoda as a single character was okay, and he didn't have a lot of dialog on a continuous basis. What was his screen time, ten minutes, twenty minutes? All of it was with Luke who spoke with regular lines. Had everyone talked that way, it would have been unwatchable and a book doing it that way would be unreadable.

As far as translating foreign languages - whether real or created - they do a beautiful translation convention in The Hunt for Red October where the captain is reading a passage from the Bible, in Russian, and then they cross the table, at the word 'armageddon' that is the same in both languages, and he continues reading, but now we hear it in English. It was a brilliant gimmick to eliminate needing to continue subtitles but still allow the audience to realize this is happening in Russian.

They did something similar in the Star Trek movie where Kirk and McCoy go on trial. Undiscovered Country and they also did it in Judgement at Nuremberg, the war-crimes court is holding its proceedings in German, then we focus on someone listening on headphones, and all of a sudden everything is in English, and for the rest of the movie, that's how it is done. Film can use such cues but I'm sure something similar can be done in written form.

Otherwise your prose starts to sound like a parody of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky, and bad parody at that.

'Twas Brillig, and the slivey toves, did gyre and gymbal in the wabe.

Carroll himself explained part of it in another story. 'Brillig' refered to the part of the day, say around 3 or 4, when it's hot, i.e. 'broiling'. Slivey toves was a reprasing of 'slippery toads'. That was about all he did explain.

[AArdvark]

You wouldn't understand if I even tried to explain it. Just roll with it.



THE
NO PUN INTENDED
AARDVARK

[bruce]

Otherwise your prose starts to sound like a parody of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky, and bad parody at that.

'Twas Brillig, and the slivey toves, did gyre and gymbal in the wabe.

Carroll himself explained part of it in another story. 'Brillig' refered to the part of the day, say around 3 or 4, when it's hot, i.e. 'broiling'. Slivey toves was a reprasing of 'slippery toads'. That was about all he did explain.

JESUS.

This "explanation" to which you refer? It comes from fucking Humpty Dumpty, it's in the same goddamn book a few chapters later, you misspelled "gimbal," "brillig" isn't capitalized, it's "slithy", which is a portmanteau word of "lithe" and "slimy", "toves" are not toads (for the record, they're something like badgers, something like lizards, and something like corkscrews), and for fuck's sake, Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There has been in the public domain for ages. Here. Here's the fucking text:

http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12

Note that it's book GODDAMN TWELVE on Gutenberg. TWELVE. The first nine are major documents from American political thought, the tenth is the King James Bible, and the eleventh is Alice in Wonderland.

It would be almost impossible to find a book EASIER to check the veracity of the diarrhea foaming from your pie-hole.

What are the odds that you're not in a wheelchair because your legs don't work, but because you're just too fucking lazy to walk?

[AArdvark]

I wasn't going to explain anything, but what the hell..

Now, if you have space aliens they should have strange names

I feel Khrass and Thurp to be suitably strange names.

...and possibly some of their technology is going to have unusual and possibly unpronounceable names

I feel that a zaxxonicon is an unusual name. In the first draft it was a cubertronicon, but that was too silly.

Yoda phrasing necessity explain?

It's meant to be a convoluted form of English as these are aliens speaking in their native language, aliens from the planet Arkanoid*. In the original text the author simply explains that they are speaking in their native tongue and goes on from there. I wanted to do more expository dialog instead of simply telling the reader what was happening because it's more fun. Originally I was just going to make everything they said gobbledegook and then have them do things that would explain what they were saying to each other. This way was funnier, which is key.

Another point, that does not show up in this chapter, is that the humans use methods to solve their problems that are totally ridiculous. For example; All the computer technology in the story is point-to-point, hard wiring and vacuum tubes. Also, they terraformed the Great American desert using "thousands of miles of green garden hoses and an uncounted number of oscillating lawn sprinklers."
The vehicles they drive all have large plywood fins**



THE
HUMORIST
AARDVARK


*I included a lot of arcade game titles in the aliens' environment. Doing that gave me great joy.


**
similar to the kind shown here at 10:00
[youtube][/youtube]

[AArdvark]

Dammit! i'm getting so old I forgot I already did this. I was about to copy and paste an excerpt from the original (but horrible) Perry Rhodan series and after that put in my edited version.

Been there done that. Balls! Maybe I'll put up the rest of the book, it's silly.

THE
AL Z. HEIMER
AARDVARK