Helping the Poker newb

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Pinback and I could probably have this exchange in e-mail, sure, but why keep the eventual hilarity to ourselves? I mean, really.

Anyway. I intend to live my life like the proposed Vegas trip in that other thread eventually *will* happen. I've never played anything but Roulette and Blackjack in Vegas, though, and I don't want to be skulking around in the background while everyone else sits down at a Poker table. Questions:

1) Does the dealer play a hand as well, or just deal for everyone else?

2) What kind of poker do you prefer to play? It's not Texas Hold-Em, is it? I mean, it can't be. But it could!!! But I don't know. Anyway.

3) You probably own a book or two on poker, right? I am presuming this because it is stated as such in BDTH and it seemed to "come from the heart." Anything in that field that is particularly recommendable?

[Poker Expert!]

Hello! I am the Poker Expert! (Not to be confused with the Coaster Expert!) And I would be happy to field all of your poker-related questions!

Does the dealer play a hand as well, or just deal for everyone else?

The latter! During each round, one player is designated "the dealer", but this just determines where the *actual* dealer will start dealing cards.

What kind of poker do you prefer to play? It's not Texas Hold-Em, is it?

I have consulted with Ben on this matter, and he informs me that, yes, indeed, Texas Hold 'Em is his preferred game to play. He went so far as to actually say that all other poker games suck humungous rhinocerous balls compared to Hold 'Em! However, I don't particularly care for that kind of language.

3) You probably own a book or two on poker, right?

Of course! I am the Poker Expert!

Anything in that field that is particularly recommendable?

Yes, yes there is! The following book is my Holy Bible for the low-limit Vegas games that you will ostensibly be playing in! Read it! Memorize it! Live it!

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1886070156

Thanks for your questions!

[Full Deck]

The only way to learn poker is to be ten years old and sneak into your friends' dad's den and swipe his Vargas Girls playing cards.

In addition to poker, you also learn why bras were pointed back in the fifties and that naked women smell like Chesterfield Kings.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

In addition to poker, you also learn why bras were pointed back in the fifties and that naked women smell like Chesterfield Kings.

Yeah, that's been my experience. Sometimes they smell nice, like some kind of fruit, though. Personally I have always tried to go for the "kelvar, gunpowder and oil" thing, ala Robocop. Because he was a mad bitch-killa, narmean?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Yes, yes there is! The following book is my Holy Bible for the low-limit Vegas games that you will ostensibly be playing in! Read it! Memorize it! Live it!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1886070156
Thanks for your questions!

Yeah, you bet. Thanks there, Poker Expert. I'll make an attempt to buy that. The first edition was on eBay, but psshaw, I'm a Second Edition kinda guy.

A couple more questions:

1) Are there any Hold 'Em computer games? Where the computer plays the part of all the other players, I mean. Would it be correct in assuming that even if there were it would be meaningless because the entire point of the game is to discern what your opponents are doing by their mannerisms?

2) A computer game that did come out, then, should have both a "battle" mode where you can just go in and play some Hold 'Em at absolutely any time, along side an "adventure" mode, or story mode, where the stuff goes down in a dream you've never had, an adventure you'll never forget. If you ever wake up... OK, to be honest, I cribbed that From Tass Times in Tonetown, but still. And perhaps there should be guns, girls, enemies and so forth. But anyway, a game should have those options, right?

[Poker Expert!]

The first edition was on eBay, but psshaw, I'm a Second Edition kinda guy.

I wouldn't use the first edition to wipe my dog's ass!

Now, onto your poker-related questions!

Are there any Hold 'Em computer games? Where the computer plays the part of all the other players

Yes! But if you were to play those games, I would have to pigeonhole you into the "dumber than oatmeal" category! I mean, why would you want to play against a computer, when you could play against ACTUAL PEOPLE! Online! For fake chips! Please go here: http://www.paradisepoker.com, set yourself up an account, and start playing!

Would it be correct in assuming that even if there were it would be meaningless because the entire point of the game is to discern what your opponents are doing by their mannerisms?

I've tried for several minutes now to recall something I've ever heard that was less correct than what you have just said, and I have come up empty! First, let's address this laughable statement:

...the entire point of the game is to discern what your opponents are doing by their mannerisms

Okay, Johnny Chan, time to wake up from whatever dream world you've concocted for yourself! At the level of the games you will be playing, "tells" such as these are next to worthless in the first place, for the following two reasons:

1. The other players will play so consistent, and so consistently bad, that altering your play based on some sneaky suspicion you had that when they picked their nose, that means they have three of a kind, is nonsensical.

2. You will be far too busy stacking up all of your winnings to notice what the other people are doing.

What you will read in the book I have pointed you to, the single most important facet in your quest to become a winning low-limit poker player is, you make most of your money at these games by not playing! That's right! Every time you fold your cards before putting in a bet, you are actually making money. And you will be playing against people who seemingly never fold their cards! THEY are the people you are making money *from*!

AND, you can get free drinks while all of this is going down!

One final comment about "tells": Poker Expert(!) does most of his playing online (at the aforementioned paradisepoker.com), where of course, there are no such things as physical tells, since everyone looks like an oval with their name in the middle of it.

Thank you for consulting with the Poker Expert!

[Johnny Chan]

1. The other players will play so consistent, and so consistently bad, that altering your play based on some sneaky suspicion you had that when they picked their nose, that means they have three of a kind, is nonsensical.
2. You will be far too busy stacking up all of your winnings to notice what the other people are doing.

Let me state that I agree with Poker Expert!. You little shits watch a movie or two and think you have some idea how it is in the real world, in real casinos. Well, you don't. Do you think your buddy Porkins has any idea what he's doing when he places bets on the table? He can barely handle identifying the symbols on the cards.

I have another question, however. Back when you were sending out those game CDs, I ordered a Fallacy of Dawn one and in fact placed a $20 chip in my order to get it sent faster. It hasn't shown up. Did you actually send it out? I need to know this, or else I'll have to send it out again.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Did you actually send it out?

Sorry, John, I don't remember.

[Grunk]

I am pretty sure two curve is half of two round thingy.

(two curve * 2) == two round thingy

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Oh, hey there Grunk. Glad to see that you made it, and that you are in good health. I was a bit worried; we hadn't heard from you in a week on your site.

What you will read in the book I have pointed you to, the single most important facet in your quest to become a winning low-limit poker player is, you make most of your money at these games by not playing! That's right! Every time you fold your cards before putting in a bet, you are actually making money. And you will be playing against people who seemingly never fold their cards! THEY are the people you are making money *from*!

So what are you saying, here? Ignore the other players in a physical setting? What if they are busy looking at me?!? How do I adjust, then??

[Lex]

Holy shit! They're looking at me! THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME!!!

[Poker Expert!]

So what are you saying, here? Ignore the other players in a physical setting?

Well, you don't have to ignore them, but I mean, at this point, the value you'll get by studying tells is a tiny fraction of the value you'll get by focusing on:

1. The starting hands which you should play. (Hint: very, very few.)

2. The opponent's betting patterns.

3. Calculating odds.

looking at me?!? How do I adjust, then??

Order another drink!