Champagne

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I was sad and alone yesterday afternoon and saw that we inexplicably have four bottles of champagne in this fucking dump. I do not care for the taste of it. If you're going to be sweet, commit to the bit. Don't give me this cruel pantomime of flavor. Champagne is the La Croix of alcohol.

But because we didn't have anything I did like, I went to open a bottle up.

A cautious person by nature, I have always expected a bottle of champagne to just spontaneously kick the cork out at light speeds when trying to:

1. Cut the wrapping around the bottle's opening
2. Twist the little metal cage thing off

So for the record, it tastes bad, doesn't have that much alcohol in it, and there's multiple steps to getting to the actual liquid.

You have probably guessed what happened. I got the metal cage off it and set the bottle down. I turned away for some reason AND THE CORK EJECTED. On its own, with nobody, certainly not myself, touching it. What a wonderful experience. What better way to celebrate? Glad my face wasn't near it as I tried to wriggle the cork out, that would have knocked me out, I think. With every bottle comes a chance for a free concussion.

So to sum up, you have a drink that tastes bad, can't get you drunk and has all the fun of a loaded, hair-trigger pistol when you try to open it. FUCK OFF. Goodbye forever, champagne. It wasn't even real champagne. If it did pulp my eye out, I would have been forced for the rest of my life to wear a sparkling eyepatch.

[pinback]

I'm going to put on hold any specific disagreements I have with your assessment, to do a separate bit:

There are a few scenes in Seinfeld, where people are over at his house, and he is not sure if an alcoholic beverage is available. Here, this is the best one, with the titular beverage in question:



Now, that's some funny shit, but I talked to DJ Larry about this, and we both agreed that the scene was bogus, because there has never been a moment in either of our adult lives where we did not know exactly how much alcohol of exactly which type was available in our homes, and exactly where it all was.

You had four bottles of champagne you didn't even know about.

You, and by association, Jerry Seinfeld, win this round.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Eeeeaagh. Right. We have some block of wood people stick bottles to around here and that was the one I scoured yesterday. There is also at least one cabinet with mystery fluids in it. Could it be liquor? Sure. Could it be beer? Er, sure. Could it be MIXER? Probably.

[AArdvark]

I can only wish that there were little folk, brownies to use their name, that would sneak bottles of booze into my home under the cover of night.

All I get are soccer moms leaving bottles of RumChata and fake Baileys

[Flack]

I know where our alcohol is, but no idea what the collection consists of.

If I were ranking alcohol from what I like the most to the least, the worst alcohol and worst beers would be above the best champagne. And probably wine.

[pinback]

I'm willing to concede that the availability and location of alcohol is slightly more important in some of our lives than others.

But champagne is wine with bubbles in it. What's the problem.

[AArdvark]

Even the brut is too sweet. Mix it with gin and lemon for a French 75

[Tdarcos]

So for the record, it tastes bad... not... that much alcohol... ain it... I... set the bottle down. I turned away... AND THE CORK EJECTED. On its own, with nobody... touching it. What a wonderful experience... Glad my face wasn't near it... With every bottle comes a chance for a free concussion.

Or a free "Ralphie from A Christmas Story experience," i.e. shooting your eye out.

So to sum up, you have a drink that tastes bad, can't get you drunk and has all the fun of a loaded, hair-trigger pistol... Goodbye forever, champagne. It wasn't even real champagne.

It is this sort of experience with ersatz "Champagne" that French wineries got the E.U. to impose geographic restrictons on this product, making it illegal to sell sparkling wine under the name "Champagne" unless it is made from grapes grown in, and is bottled in, the Champagne region of France. I believe their trade organization has an office for reports of counterfeits like this so they can sue the makers into bankruptcy.


Sent from a mobile phone.

[Jizaboz]

I only drink champagne once a year, at New Years Eve at home. I prefer the Korbel “Extra Dry” stuff as it goes down super clean tasting when it’s ice cold.

I used to buy one bottle but since my girlfriend decided she really liked it a couple of years ago, now I have to buy 2 bottles.

The cork thing though.. ffffuck how I always dread dealing with that. I usually open it over the bath tub to avoid disaster but even then I’m worried the cork is gonna ricochet into the mirror and shatter it lol

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Tdarcos is right. Also!! You JC Denizens have heard the "point" regarding champagne. Can someone argue the counterpoint??

[Casual Observer]

Tdarcos is right. Also!! You JC Denizens have heard the "point" regarding champagne. Can someone argue the counterpoint??

Jonsey you're doing it wrong. First, buy Brut champagne. In the stupid nomenclature of sparkling wine "Extra Dry" means "still too sweet but not enough". Second, unless you paid $100 for it, put something in there. Even Michael Corleone knew to serve at least "champagne cocktails" which include bitters. We like some fresh orange juice or something else to make it yummy. Also you can add a tasty liquor if you're short on time.

[raecoffey]

I don't like much beer, but I like stouts. My favorite is Youngs Chocolate Stout.

For liquor, rum and whiskey with the occasional splash of tequila .

For wine I'm a medium red, like Cabernet Sauvignon. For whites I can deal with reisling.

Blush wines are right up there with champagne in the lack of alcohol factor that I strongly disagree with...

[raecoffey]

Btw I made it sound like I actively drink.
I haven't in 3 years, but don't mind doing so on occasion with a friend or two. After I move out though... This is not the place for it!