Candy

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Sat Sep 20, 2003 4:05 am

Whether you are attempting to lure some girls to try your "new face cream", relieving stress, or simply trying to not fall into the corporate, media, and economic endorsed waste land where you sell your soul, nay, your very essence for liquor, drugs, or religion candy is a great answer.

Now, they've really fucked it all up.

Peppermints(Correct me here ... googling this results in pictures of some teen girl group): The little swirly red and white things are my earliest memories of candy. They are nice, only nice as any hard candy can be. Though the sugar as opposed to "toxic shit" base for these candies makes them dissolve faster than some of my favorite genetically engineered candy. Most of the time you get them for free so they are worth it at that price.

Candy Cigarettes: I don't think I'd ever have these again. Chalky, tasteless(ROFL! In more ways than one, did I tell you I don't like drugs yet? ROFL!), quickly expended, and overall just an awful candy experience. They still do exist if you like pain. Kid's loved the things though. Cigarettes were just so super cool. I think that's just it. Seriously, take up smoking instead.

Cow Tales: The first candy I had that I still go out of my way to purchase. Used real cream ... or at the very least made it taste like it. The chocolate and caramel varieties well short lasting sell for about a quarter a pop which is much better when compared for Beef Jerky price gouging.

Starbursts: Having your child die must be awful. Having your child die by choking couldn't be much worse. Having that same child (again raised back from the dead, throat cleared, and aware only for a second until I kill him again for the scenario) choke on candy can't be much worse. Having your child choke on candy you gave him and die must really fucking sting. They had the cool factor as opposed to the stodgy Life Savers(which you can not choke on just a successfully). Thus, Starbursts. They had LOADs of flavors and were a anti-gum for my catholic school. The teachers had no idea what to do about it. That was how we rebelled... *sigh* I think effectively they ripped of "Now and Laters" but I'm no history major.

Life Savers: Obviously predates the others ... but this is how I remember it, biznatch. One of my first and favorite hard candies. I'm always very worried about choking to death on a hard candy and this puts away that fear with good tastes.

Nestle Crunch Bar: I think I started trying these for about a year when they had those white ones or when Shaq was first advertising them. It also could of been when they had scenes from movies or some various crap on the candy bars themselves. Basically some rice crispies covered in chocolate. My brother says the metal wrapping makes them taste like metal. Though, seriously. Chocolate bars? ... that's like drinking antifreeze at a wine tasting party.

Paydays: I love peanuts. This is the ideal candy. Well, I thought it was. More on this when I reach peanut brittle.

Creme Savers: Made by Lifesave Co. I was unsettled when I saw no hole but I was fine when I had one in my mouth. Using real cream and some process of genetic engineering these monstrosities of taste were created. Coming in Strawberry, Chocolate, Raspberry, and Orange flavors they lack in variety compared to Starbursts. Though Lifesaver Co. proving themselves super geniuses but to not care about candy sold their genetically engineered strawberry creme producing cows to Jello Co. and some other pudding company. Now, well this pudding is not a candy!

I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH I have been getting e-mails of late where people were laughed out of candy shops for asking for pudding. I still feel this must be addressed. The real reason to get a hard candy is for something to suck on or oral fixation (Freudian 4 eva) Creme Savers provide a good taste ... though not something you'd want to sit down and spoon into your mouth. It's different in no good ways.

Velamints: Relatively new to the candy market. These are dessert (The extra "s" because you always want seconds!) flavored mints the only ones of which I have had experience being the chocolate (cake? pudding?) variety. Now, original you could get a tin of forty for a dollar. They are quite good and function passably well as a mint. Though now they are two bucks a tin. I'll take a burger instead.

Peanut Brittle: I love peanuts. Not caramel. Peanut Brittle is simply superior (if you can get it) to Paydays. Whereas Paydays have a fat load of caramel in the middle Peanut Brittle ... just does not. I noticed my local grocery store (which means yours because face it they are all owned by the same ruling family) started carrying Peanut Brittle in the produce area, it isn't really an aisle. It's most likely many of you have never had the pleasure of Peanut Brittle I suggest you go out right now and get some. Now you may ask "Why not eat a bag of peanuts?" ... First, this is a candy thread, you cumstain. Second, your hands get awfully salty if you pick up a bag and carry it around. Also, bagged peanuts are quite expensive if you simply want a snack size bag. You can't really carry about a party tin in your pocket.

Lifesaver Fusions: Apparently, not wanting kids to choke to death isn't punk rock enough. Holes in candy are a thing of the past. Though making a little indent in the middle to save some cash for every ten thousand you create is quite punk rock. Aside from all the death and stuff, these are quite good. The idea is nice and novel and it tastes good. The real allure is the changing of flavors which is good with some flavors and damn undeterminable with others. After awhile of sitting the inside candy gets too visible, cloudy, and it looks like someone spunked inside it. Needs more flavors just as do Creme Savers. Though worth buying a bag just to fill up a bowl and grab a few.

Well, that's all I have to say. If you have any candies you want to recommend go ahead.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Sep 20, 2003 11:41 am

I only had a chance to scan it, but already I think this needs to be posted to the front page of the site. I hope you don't call me a sissy doucheface halfway into the candy cigarettes one.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Sat Sep 20, 2003 12:59 pm

I only read the first paragraph. Can anyone tell me if me mentions the best candy ever made, the Swedish Fish?

NO, asshole, I don't mean the JuJu fish, that paltry, vomit-inducing ripoff of a red fish. I mean the original, slightly dusty and sweeter, less gummy Swedish Fish (not to be confused with Swedish Thrash).

The original penny candy, the Swedish Fish!

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Sat Sep 20, 2003 2:09 pm

Many kids I knew ate swedish fish. I though never really got into swedish fish. They got inbetween my teeth and simply reeked of "another gummi snack". I also was going to add those wax bottles with a little juice inside. Though they slipped my mind and have a confusing candy/beverage status.

That's all that came to my mind at the time. I'm sorry that all candies couldn't be included but I either did not have them recently enough or they simply didn't mean that much to me.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Sep 20, 2003 3:00 pm

... First, this is a candy thread, you cumstain.

AH-HAHAH.

Excellent work, m'man. I'll throw this up and link you ASAP. Hee, heeh, hee.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Sat Sep 20, 2003 3:00 pm

Those nasty orange wax whistles (in 5 exciting tones!) that were so crumbly and tasteless until you got 'em mulched up good. One of the low points of the candy world. I think the best candy can be found in the average halloween trick or treat bag. not any particular kind of candy, just the thought that all that stuff in there is MINE!! heh!

THE
DING DONG DITCH
AARDVARK

Typhoid Murray · Post by **Typhoid Murray** » Sat Sep 20, 2003 10:45 pm

The best candy is whatever you can steal from a baby.

Ohhh, so sweet. I love to lick the baby's candy. Do you have a baby! A sweet, sweet baby. I do hope so.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Sun Sep 21, 2003 7:02 am

I was actually hoping for a visit from the plaque gang.

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Mon Sep 22, 2003 8:16 am

If I may throw my head upon the chopping block so that you can kick it around a bit... *

No mention of the greatest candy ever.

P. B. Maxx.

Start with a square sugar cookie, like you'd find in a Twix bar. It's about, oh, 2" square. Picture peanut butter on top of that. Crunchy little cookie-like balls (not testicles, but actual spheres) all over the top. The whole thing covered in chocolate.

Those were the best - and were only around for a few short years.

Now, the closest thing you can get to it is a Peanut Butter Twix - which is really good, but not quite as good.

Aaaand, Twix annoys me because they treat their peanut butter variety worse than Vitre-cola's hometown friends treat the English language. You used to be able to buy it in a "box" with a bunch of 'em inside, like you can do with the caramel (ugh) one. Now, you can only get it in the two-pack. Very frustrating.

While we're lamenting good stuff that can't be found any more, whatever happened to "'Tato Skins" potato chips?

* first one to recognize who said that line originally gets a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Sep 22, 2003 8:42 am

Typhoid Murray wrote:The best candy is whatever you can steal from a baby.

Ohhh, so sweet. I love to lick the baby's candy. Do you have a baby! A sweet, sweet baby. I do hope so.

You need to stay, Murray. You need to fricken stay.

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Mon Sep 22, 2003 4:16 pm

You two don't like... caramel. I'm sorry, guys, but you're dead to me now.

I live on Hundred Grand bars. And those little caramel squares you can buy at White Hen? My happiest childhood memory.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Mon Sep 22, 2003 4:20 pm

Actaully I typed "I love peanuts. Not caramel". Caramel is fine and good but I prefer the taste of butterscotch.

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Tue Sep 23, 2003 7:06 am

I do hate caramel. Not as much as Hitler hated the Jews, but I won't eat it.