Why I Hate Fat People, By Ben Parrish.

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Let us take a quick cruise down Kings Highway, here in Myrtle Beach, and check out the popular local restaurants!

"Jimmy's Calabash"
"Bob's Double-Fried BBQ"
"Freddy's Deep-Fried House of Fried Dough Balls Stuffed With French Fries"
"Hooters"

This is an entire city based on the culinary technique of heating up a big ol' VAT of oil to 365 degrees, and then dropping everything -- fish, beef, pork, ice cream cones, small pets, the mayor -- into it, and sloppin' it up on a big ol' PLATE, garnished with hush puppies (fried bread) and fries (fried potatoes).

I checked out the local yellow pages to see where I could maybe get a little more "adventurous" meal, something with a little ethnic flair (other than George Walleye's Big Ol' Chinese 'n' Mexican Buffay 'n' Burgers).

There is precisely one (1) Indian restaurant in the entire city. One. And that's not quite the exhaustive list of choices which I'm particularly thrilled about the concept of exposing myself to. Fortunately, there is also one (1) book store, so I kicked it on over there, checked out the cooking section, and used my time-tested technique of finding a decent recipe, and trying to remember it so I wouldn't have to buy the book. Normally this results in me remembering about 80% of it, and then making up the rest of it using a random number generator.

Today's choice would be the all-time most famous gringo-ized Indian dish: Tandoori chicken! (Naturally, I'd be using the oven in my kitchenette, since Affordable Suites of Myrtle Beach neglected to include tandoor ovens in the suites.)

For this recipe, you essentially need about three things: Chicken, a fuckload of spices (for a spice mixture called "garam masala"), and plain yogurt.

Stop 1: Kroger's (about a 4 on a 0-10 scale of class, re: grocery stores). Got some ginger. Got a lemon. Got some sparkling water and cranberry juice (not for the recipe, but because -- ACK! -- I don't drink anymore.) Before I got the chicken, though, I checked out the spices on offer. Well, they had about 1/3 of what I was going to need, and those they had were priced ridiculously, so I said "skroo this", bought the ginger, lemon, and beverages, and headed out.

Stop 2: Food Lion (about a .3 on the same 0-10). Checked out the spices, which offered the same paltry selection, but at slightly lower prices. Well, at that point I gave up on trying to make my own garam masala, and noticed that the "high class" spice line offers a pre-made garam masala in a jar, so I said, fuck it, gimme. Then I went by to pick up the chicken. Again, about $1 cheaper than Kroger's. Good to go.

Then it was time to pick up the yogurt.

I made my way to the dairy aisle. Long rows of milk. Shelves of sour cream and cottage cheese. And there we were, a grand display of yogurts of all different varieties and faggy sounding names, all trying to hard-sell me with their fruity, healthy goodness.

But I just needed some plain yogurt. And in a larger size than those little single-serving cups. Hmm. Where...

Ah, there we are! A nice big container of Plain Nonfat Yog-

Whoa, hold up. Nonfat yogurt? Well, I don't believe in doing things halfway, when I do them, so this was not going to work. Lemme just hunt around on the same shelf. Nonfat. Nonfat... Non...fat...

No regular ol' plain yogurt??

I guess I'd have to just go with the smaller size cups and pick up a few of 'em. Yoplait, no... Dannon Smootherz... Poofy McSuckme's Swirlz of White Goo... No. Ah, there we are... little cups of:

Food Lion-brand Plain Yogurt... and then just to the side, in a little blue star: "LOWFAT!"

No. I don't WANT low fat. I don't WANT non fat. I want PLAIN MOTHERFUCKING YOGURT!!! THERE IS NO PLAIN YOGURT IN THIS ENTIRE GARGANTUAN STORE!!111

And then I looked around. And I saw giant, rumbling masses of humanity all around me. Rotund, jiggling, wheezing, hunched over human beach balls in every aisle. Dale and Betty Bodine and their five humungous kids, Dale, Jeff, Jeff, Dale, and Jeff, rolling around the freezer section, and the snack section, and the poultry section, and the drink section, and every goddamn place they went, shelves and shelves lined with LOW FAT THIS and NON FAT THIS, and LOW CARB THAT, and EAT AS MUCH OF THIS FUCKING SHIT YOU WANT AND YOU WON'T GAIN AN OUNCE, YOU DISGUSTING MACRO-TURD, JUST KEEP GIVING US YOUR FAT-ASS MONEY THAT.

This is why I hate fat people.

Because they're too stupid to realize that thousands of business are making billions of dollars keeping them fat, and they just keep on sucking it up, and blimping out, and in the end, making it so I have to go BACK to the first goddamn giant supermarket I went to to get a fucking container of PLAIN YOGURT made from PLAIN MILK.

.

And, the chicken was excellent, thanks for asking.

[bruce]

cranberry juice (not for the recipe, but because -- ACK! -- I don't drink anymore.)

What happened?

Bruce

[Worm]

Isn't all yogurt lowfat? I mean I like that Yoplait custard shit sounds and looks like it would have you dropping turds with the density of a neutron star, but it's lowfat. Good luck finding non-lowfat but are you really the "pinky stuck out" flavor nazi fag to even notice the difference?

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Isn't all yogurt lowfat?

No. Yogurt is made from milk, which has tons of fat. Fat conveys 7/16th of all the calories in "plain yogurt".

Good luck finding non-lowfat but are you really the "pinky stuck out" flavor nazi fag to even notice the difference?

1. If you can't tell the difference between nonfat yogurt and regular yogurt, then I think it is you who has the problem.

2. It is the principle of the thing. A man must have principles, Worm.

Even you.

[Worm]

Yea, I do. Don't be a queer about food.

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Hey. We only have five senses to work with. If you're neglecting getting the most out of any of them, then you're living an 80% life.

Why not enjoy everything to the fullest?

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cranberry juice (not for the recipe, but because -- ACK! -- I don't drink anymore.)

What happened?

Bruce

Just thought I'd take a little (well, a long) break, is all.

[Worm]

Oh, if we are talking about the sensual world, there is more than simply enjoying. In realizing that something tasting "bad" is simply a realization of my sense I therefore don't avoid that experience and eat pretty much anything I haven't tried before in a celebration of my ability to enjoy or dislike something.

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Oh, if we are talking about the sensual world, there is more than simply enjoying. In realizing that something tasting "bad" is simply a realization of my sense I therefore don't avoid that experience and eat pretty much anything I haven't tried before in a celebration of my ability to enjoy or dislike something.

Well, my question is, if you can tell the difference between nonfat yogurt and regular yogurt, and you like the regular kind better, and you have no dietary reasons to choose the nonfat, then why not go with the regular?

Why are you busting my chops about this?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Oh, if we are talking about the sensual world

I think it's safe to say that we're always talking about the sensual world.

[Worm]

Oh, if we are talking about the sensual world, there is more than simply enjoying. In realizing that something tasting "bad" is simply a realization of my sense I therefore don't avoid that experience and eat pretty much anything I haven't tried before in a celebration of my ability to enjoy or dislike something.

Well, my question is, if you can tell the difference between nonfat yogurt and regular yogurt, and you like the regular kind better, and you have no dietary reasons to choose the nonfat, then why not go with the regular?

Why are you busting my chops about this?

I really can't tell the difference. You should just try things you don't like every now and then.

[Jack Straw]

While normally this holds true, it does NOT apply to a reduction of fat, sugar, carbs or calories. The more any of the above is removed, the more said food takes on the qualities of corrugated cardboard.

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You should just try things you don't like every now and then.

You should try things you don't like?

"Try" implies that it's a first experiment, and "don't like" implies that you've already tried it, and don't like it.

So why the hell would you "try" something you already know you don't like?

"Here, hit yourself in the head with a hammer. I know, it didn't work out for you the last time, but maybe this time will be different!"

Donnie, you're out of your element.

[Worm]

Well, your example is quite nice and ham fisted. I think I need to restate what I am saying.

I'm saying that if the taste of the food doesn't make you horribly ill why not experience it? If I could experience the pain of a hammer hit to the head with no physical damage why not? It's all for the experience.

[bruce]

why not? It's all for the experience.

Oh, man, I miss being a teenager sometimes.

I used to be <i>just like this</i> about drugs.

Now that I'm an old fart, I prefer to think, "Grrrr. I hate you all. If I've never tried it, I'll probably hate it. Bartender! Another triple Scotch, neat."

Bruce

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I'm saying that if the taste of the food doesn't make you horribly ill why not experience it?

You're telling me that I should experience NONFAT YOGURT, instead of buying regular yogurt?

Look, you know nothing about cooking, nothing about food, and very little about anything else, so just stop right now. Just stop it.

[Worm]

Oh, I'm not a spoiled snot about food? Or is there something else? When did people stop being happy that they could afford food to eat?

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The percentage of total income spent on food has absolutely plummetted in the last fifty some-odd years.

That's when.

Also, see: Many many years before you were born. If you want to talk like a Depression-era grandmother, you're about 75 years too late.

[Vitriola]

I'm saying that if the taste of the food doesn't make you horribly ill why not experience it? If I could experience the pain of a hammer hit to the head with no physical damage why not? It's all for the experience.

Because there's too much food out there. It's like when some band puts out an album, and it kinda sucks, and everyone knows it sucks, but the fans have to listen to it 25 times and point out that it gets better, and really track 3 isn't all that vomit-inspiring, and you should give it another chance, blah blah. There's too many better things to do with one's time, money, and taste to bother with the sub-par.

Second point: Look at it this way. Butter, sugar, milk; all (sorta) natural things, healthy not used to excess. But what about all that low-fat crap? Manipulated, chemically bloated, synthetic garbage that nobody knows what will really do to them decades down the road. You want that shit in your body? If you cared at all about your toxin load, you'd use sugar over sweetener, butter over margarine, fatty food over products that have sweetener or margarine or any of that other crap substituted, organic milk with the happy cows on the carton, and eat less of it. If fat didn't taste so good, there's wouldn't be such a problem with overweight people. If you don't have a weight problem, use the most natural products. And if you DO have a weight problem, stop thinking that the 25 calories you save from buying the low fat over the natural product is going to make that much of a difference in body weight.

Third: Ben voted with his dollar. If people don't buy the organic, the natural, the wholesome, it might get harder and harder to find.

Fourth: Since the industry isn't very regulated when it comes to labels, you should make sure that when you see something marked as 'low-fat', it's not just the same product with a different label. Well, if you care about that stuff. The same way that some bleaches say 'We don't use sulphur!' or some shit, the way chinese restaurants say 'no MSG' and cold medicines say "No PPA!!!!!", as if anyone uses it anymore, you could be buying the same product with a new label.

The 5: Some products have a very different taste in their lower lard compadres than others. Triscuit crackers might as well come from a different planet, while crescent rolls are hardly noticable.

6: Support local music THAT IS ALL.

[Worm]

Second point: Look at it this way. Butter, sugar, milk; all (sorta) natural things, healthy not used to excess. But what about all that low-fat crap? Manipulated, chemically bloated, synthetic garbage that nobody knows what will really do to them decades down the road. You want that shit in your body?

They just use low fat milk and probably less butter. This is not the fucking creation of Frakenstein.

Third: Ben voted with his dollar. If people don't buy the organic, the natural, the wholesome, it might get harder and harder to find.

Well he's at it that consumer knight better pick up some high carb stuff, as it is going the way of the dodo.

The 5: Some products have a very different taste in their lower lard compadres than others. Triscuit crackers might as well come from a different planet, while crescent rolls are hardly noticable.

I can't tell the difference in Triscuits.