Help.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 10:09 pm

I went to my local Barnes & Noble today, to shop for some books! Here's what I ended up with, starting at the periodicals:

Item: The latest edition of Chili Pepper magazine.
Reason: Because I am a fabulous cook, and deserve only the finest in capsicum-related articles and recipes with which to allow the world to experience realms of culinary happiness they'd never known existed.

I then strutted confidently over to the Sports/Auto section.

Item: The 2004 AIM/FARs (Federal Aviation Regulations).
Reason: I am a stud pilot, and need to keep up on all the latest regulations and NOTAMS, along with intimidating everyone that's around when I show up at the airport. I got all the LATEST news, so don't fuck with me.

My impressive stack of manly items swelling with every stride, I made my way to the Games section.

Item: Winning Chess Openings
Reason: Already able to easily crush all friends and acquaintances, I now desire to hone my chess abilities so that in any chess club in any city in the world, when I push through the double-swinging doors, cowboy hat sitting jauntily on my impeccable coiffure, Swisher Sweet dangling from betwixt my sneering lips, even Kasparov himself would run for cover.

Then, as I am wont to do, I lazily and covertly swing by the Self-Help section just to see if anything catches my eye, which it never does. Until today, a brightly colored, smallish book grabbed my attention...

Item: Five Steps for Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt
Reason: For all the years I've struggled against it and fought against it and attempted to rationalize it and compartmentalize it away, the fact is that I am an absolute emotional wreck. And while I quit my job and left on my "journey" of the last nine months thinking (or rather hoping blindly, I now acknowledge) that the freedom of physical and emotional movement I was about to enjoy would by a matter of course alleviate many of these problems, I feel now as if I've actually gotten worse. "Fear" and "Self-Doubt" are what I would call appropriate nomenclature for the vague but encompassing pain I feel to various degrees nearly all the time, except when I am alone, drinking, and watching television.

Therefore, I decided that though my sense is that the entire self-help section is a load of money-sucking horseshit, I have proven to be powerless to help myself by myself, and so if $14.95 can do anything to help, if only to get me started on the way to some version of "healing" (a word for which I expect to be roundly Monkey Monkeyed on this BBS), then it has done a better job than the tens of thousands of dollars I've already spent on alcohol and cable television over the years, and the thousands upon thousands of hours I've chosen to spend alone.

Let's now begin our journey with the first of the five steps, restated here to make sure I remember and understand them, sure, but primarily so that nobody else has to spend the $14.95, and if any of it actually ends up helping any of you, then you'll feel obligated to reimburse me for it.

Step One: Acknowledge Your Fears. As in, don't explain them, but state them in no uncertain terms. "I AM AFRAID OF VELVEETA." Like that. Don't say, "I think non-processed, natural cheese tastes and looks better than Velveeta, which is why I don't buy Velveeta." Make a bold pronouncement instead: "I FEAR VELVEETA LIKE THE GRIM REAPER!!!!" Only then can you begin coming to terms with your Velveetaphobia, and genuinely begin the healing process.

Join us for more steps, as I trudge through this overpriced piece of shit.

(And join us in the cooking base for some ZESTY CHILI-PEPPER-CONTAINING RECIPES!!!)

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 8:31 pm

Well, I've completed the "Five Steps" book, but rather than go through the steps in detail (for indeed I would likely find myself unable, each step being given such few paltry examples and vague explanations), I'll just list 'em out for you here:

1. Acknowledgement of fear: "I AM SCARED OF VELVEETA."

2. Quantification of fear: "I AM PRETTY DARN SCARED OF VELVEETA."

3. Imagine the worst case scenario: "I WILL CHOKE ON VELVEETA AND DIE."

4. Gather support and information, confront your perception, and dissipate the fear: "YOU CAN'T CHOKE ON VELVEETA AND DIE. I GUESS I'LL HAVE SOME."

5. Celebrate! "GIMME A BEER TO WASH DOWN THIS VELVEETA."

That's a simplification, naturally, but not overly so. A simplistic wisp of a little book, light as a feather, it seems at times to be primarily an advertisement for the author's previous book, and unlikely to spark any but the most superficial healing in anyone who reads it.

Fortunately, for me, that is enough. It has served its purpose by allowing me to finally admit that I am genuinely fucked up, and that I'm not convinced I have to live this way, and that I can't fix me by myself, and goddammit, I want to be better. I want to be better.

Today, then, literally within five minutes of finishing the book, I left the apartment and walked directly over to the library across the street and began fervently perusing the Psychology section (190 on your Dewey Decimal System) for similar, but perhaps beefier books.

The one I landed on and (taste the irony) shamefully checked out is called "No Place To Hide: Facing Shame So We Can Find Self-Respect."

I've just come from the head, after having read the preface and the first chapter, and friends, lemme tell you, this is what I'm talking about. A thick book, written by a real doctor, but written in a very readable style, suitable for patients and healers alike (and wouldn't it be great if it turns out they can be one and the same). I'm not sure what the rest of the chapters are like, but my eyes lit up several times per page in what I've already read, as bells went off and each incisive sentence glistened with the glittery, electric light of personal truth. My person, to be specific.

I have great hopes for this one, here.

As I'm sure, being some of my most ardent supporters, do you.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 4:11 am

Cognitive therapy is great, can be quite useful, and is the most recommended for your more intellectual type of person, however, you run the risk of overcorrecting and of debating your every move and situation, whereas sometimes you just have to NOT think, let shit go, have the good time, don't worry about the fuck-ups, and the like. Just don;t start going over your every move in your head at the expense of your life, don;t sit at night and debate every situation in retrospect, things like that. Try and keep shit general.

When all else fails, have a hug and know that everything really will be all right in the end.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 7:54 am

Vitriola wrote:Just don;t start going over your every move in your head at the expense of your life

Well, I already do that (I think) to an unhealthy extreme. What would you recommend for someone like that? Is there an "uncognitive therapy"? (That doesn't involve drugs? Not that I'm against drugs, mind you, but I feel like there's something deeper going on here, and rather than just paint over the problem, it'd be nicer to fix the wood underneath if possible.)

When all else fails, have a hug and know that everything really will be all right in the end.

Yeah, but by the time you get to the end, you're dead. Ain't that a bitch.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 9:29 am

pinback wrote:Yeah, but by the time you get to the end, you're dead. Ain't that a bitch.

That's why you should get a shotgun, saw it off, head down to the mall, and go out of the world as naked, bloody, and screaming as you came into it.

No, wait. I'm really <i>not</i> recommending that.

Bruce

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 11:16 am

pinback wrote:Yeah, but by the time you get to the end, you're dead. Ain't that a bitch.

It can't be too bad if you were previously living.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 11:59 am

Here's a great way to overcome social anxiety. Ready? Ready?!! When your buddy asks you to meet up with a bunch of people... you GO.

Alternatively, don't move to areas where you don't know a lot of people. That's how I deal with it.

Aces!!!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 12:48 pm

Social anxiety is a symptom, not the root cause. That's not (specifically) what I'm trying to cure here.

I believe that what is lacking is a fundamental sense of self-worth, of intrinsic internal value. I see (or rather, feel) myself as defective, "ugly", unworthy of love, and thus choose to hide, to reduce the risk of exposure, rather than eliminate the foundational emotions.

It would be nice to ameliorate those negative emotions. That's truly my goal.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 1:26 pm

pinback wrote:That's not (specifically) what I'm trying to cure here.

Ah. It would help if I read the thread, then.

I believe that what is lacking is a fundamental sense of self-worth, of intrinsic internal value. I see (or rather, feel) myself as defective, "ugly", unworthy of love, and thus choose to hide, to reduce the risk of exposure, rather than eliminate the foundational emotions.

Why don't you have any self-worth? You're a great guy.

There's people out there that are actual losers. You're not one of them.

Here's a handy "Am I a loser" quiz. I'll provide the questions and the non-loserific answers.

Q: Do you have a humiliating job with no prospects or future, and have you accepted it just as the way things are?

A: No.

Q: Is some part of your physical appearance that you can control hideously broken? In other words, are you grossly overweight, do you have crippling body odor, is your hair matted, do your fingernails curl because they are so long, do you dress in a manner that causes people to go blind?

A: No.

Q: Have you ever spent $135 on a hand job?

A: No.

Q: Have your attempts to make friends completely fallen through? Do people -- good people, not cliquey types -- actively avoid you? Do you find yourself being completely ignored when you do try? Are you unfunny and unwilling to admit it? Do people often say "kill yourself" and you think they are joking?

A: No.

Q: Are you obsessed with some chick that left you or you didn't make a move on months or even years ago?

A: No.

Q: Is your intimidation level of others so bad that you actively miss out on things you enjoy because of it, and often?

A: No.

Q: Do you enjoy the process of being a loser? Do you self-pity to others? Do you crave acceptance and affection so much that even if achieved in negative ways (crying, attention whoring, being pathetic) it's still, ultimately, OK?

A: No.

At times in my life, I've been guilty of a couple of those. We all have, probably. But having one or two temporarily doesn't matter -- that means you're human. When you start to answer "yes" to many of those, then you're a loser and you need to shoot yourself in the fucking face so that the rest of us can enjoy our lives.

You can't answer "yes" to most of those. Therefore you're not what regular people think is a loser. Therefore your self-worth shouldn't be low. I'd be the first person to tell you if you were a piece of human dogcrap. I'd probably do it with an image macro, too.

Here's another thing to replace the quiz -- I don't like losers. Can't stand 'em. So if we're good then you're good, too.

Roody_Yogurt · Post by **Roody_Yogurt** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:05 pm

It may be only obvious to those that know me, but I've gone most of my life questioning my self-worth. It's only in the last couple years that I've realized I've made a lot of progress in my personality. Still, it's sometimes a lot of work to think I have more checks in the "huzzah" column than the "<vomit>" one.

I don't think any of us in Vegas felt like we were hanging out with losers, and while it sometimes seems silly to rate ourselves on what internet friends (or even real-world friends) see in us, it's important to just remember that they do see qualities in us and given that most of us are pretty particular about our friends anyway, it's a good reminder that we're not exactly at square one in terms of meeting whatever sort of potential we hope that we have.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:19 pm

Roody_Yogurt wrote:It may be only obvious to those that know me, but I've gone most of my life questioning my self-worth. It's only in the last couple years that I've realized I've made a lot of progress in my personality. Still, it's sometimes a lot of work to think I have more checks in the "huzzah" column than the "<vomit>" one.

The problem with this is that you are judging your worth by others' reactions, allowing your own esteem to be carried on a whim by how others see you and what others think, rather than having a solid foundation of self-worth to provide a stabilizing force.

Without this force, a rejection (the fear of which is a large part of the shame-anxiety complex) feels like a deep wound, one to be avoided at all costs in the future, and an acception is an exhilirating, but terribly short-lived "victory". Others determine your worth, rather than doing it yourself.

I think that this is a problem that would be good to solve.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:21 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Here's a handy "Am I a loser" quiz. I'll provide the questions and the non-loserific answers.

This is not an intellectually rectifiable problem for me. If it were, then this conversation would not even be taking place, and I'd be out at the pool right now.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:22 pm

pinback wrote:Others determine your worth, rather than doing it yourself.

I think that this is a problem that would be good to solve.

I myself find that a quart of whiskey helps with this endeavor. I have, I hope, referred all and sundry to http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com, right?

Bruce

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:23 pm

pinback wrote:This is not an intellectually rectifiable problem for me. If it were, then this conversation would not even be taking place, and I'd be out at the pool right now.

Whoops! There was one bit I forgot to mention.

Q: Do you have a pool and feel the need to tell people about it on the Internet?

A: No.

I guess you have to disregard all that other stuff. You really ARE a loser, Skunkles.

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:33 pm

Roody_Yogurt wrote:It may be only obvious to those that know me, but I've gone most of my life questioning my self-worth.

Well, I mean, ditto, right? I'm sure I've managed to make that much obvious in my time here.

I'm under the suspicion that just about every regular here has passed rather close to that black abyss of self-loathing at some point or another. Actually, my active theory is that in order to ever be a truly funny or interesting or otherwise worthwhile human being you pretty much have to skirt that edge at some point in your life, otherwise you simply lack perspective. Considering most of us are pretty young (hell, we're all still in the first halves of our lives, statistically speaking) the experience winds up being pretty recent and, perhaps ongoing to some degree. That Ben would feel it the most acutely is appropriate since he's obviously, by objective measures one of the best guys here. I mean, I don't have a pool.

Here's my fear, and I'm about to make it Ben's fear too, maybe. You know that voice that keeps questioning every move you make? The one that goes over and over every sentence you speak or write, wondering if it's witty enough, or appropriate to the situation, or whatever? The one that compells you to keep trying to improve yourself if only to get it to shut the fuck up for once? What if that's your strength? What if that's the source of everything you do like about yourself? What if it finally shuts its damn yap and you find the silence - and yourself - boring?

Roody_Yogurt · Post by **Roody_Yogurt** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:36 pm

pinback wrote: Without this force, a rejection (the fear of which is a large part of the shame-anxiety complex) feels like a deep wound, one to be avoided at all costs in the future, and an acception is an exhilirating, but terribly short-lived "victory". Others determine your worth, rather than doing it yourself.

I think that this is a problem that would be good to solve.

At its heart, what you said is true, although I do think it gets there are complications that fuzz things up a bit.

But yeah, seriously, I doubt I'll ever get over my need for validation. Just the same, one can try to approach it as healthily as possible, by trying to accept personal qualities slowly but surely as facts of a sort. Also, age wisdom helps me deal with the highs and lows a lot better.

Ah, I've nothing helpful to say.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:36 pm

If given the choice between being funny, being non-boring, and being happy, I'd choose happiness.

I am hoping that having that choice is a potential reality. (And then, naturally, hope that I don't have to make it.)

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:51 pm

I'm feeling down I stop masterbating for two days and eat nothing but fruit. Then once 48 hours pass, after I've I really missed the little things in life like junk food and self pleasure I buy a bucket of KFC and watch four hours of porno. It makes me feeeeel better and more confidant.

Since my life is in more ruin the any of you could ever imagine, I've found some things than can help you overcome your whatever.

You can start by telling people what you want instead of pussyfooting around it. If you want five extra pounds of cheese on your pizza, tell the fucking person at the pizza place what you want instead of worrying about them laughing at you for having disgusting eating habits. They are working at a pizza place=they don't matter.

Any girl that isn't in your daily "routine" that is midly attractive-ask out. You never have to see her again, she doesn't know about your endless problems, and if she says no, SHE'S JUST A DUMB CUNT that doesn't know any better.

If you are not overweight and are over 30 YOU HAVE WON! This society breeds fat cattle. If you are still skinny after 30 years of walking around this smorgasborg, you have attained the rank of Arch-Mage.

And finnally, there are thousands of people out there who WANT to be your friend. Ever jackass place I've worked for had at least 5 people who wanted to be my friend. Unfortunatley I hate everyone and don't require friendship. But the only way to overcome your fears is to take a chance on these cretins and hang out with them. After hanging out with them twice you may actual befriend someone.

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:55 pm

pinback wrote:If given the choice between being funny, being non-boring, and being happy, I'd choose happiness.

Well, fine, if you want to be rational about it.

Hey, tangental (or is it?) question:

Have any of you JCers ever been happy the way Pinback means? I mean sure we've all stepped outside on a beautiful day or accomplished something difficult we'd set out to do or gotten a blowjob from a pretty girl we fancied and been happy for that moment or that hour or that day or maybe even that week.

But happiness as a state of being? And categorically different from simple contentment? Any of you cats ever gotten in on that action?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:57 pm

pinback wrote:If given the choice between being funny, being non-boring, and being happy, I'd choose happiness.

Over funny??!!

Choose death.

Help.

Help.

When....