A New Love

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon May 30, 2005 11:37 am

The day began inauspiciously, as I slowly stirred from a fitful slumber, into a gnawing hangover; penance, from last night's jaunt over to Doug's house to watch movies (including the funniest movie I have ever seen -- see the movies base) and whine and complain and so I could listen to his stories about getting women off Craig's List to come over to his place and ride the Sybian. But that's neither here nor there.

The headache followed me around like an annoying little brother, as I struggled to locate my long lost sense of balance, coordination, or basic human dignity. None were on offer.

My stomach churned in that uneasy way which lets you know that if you eat something, things will either get a little better, or much much worse. I crawled up to my computer, where I had left an MRQE page open with reviews of Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, and I thought, boy, a few of them babies would really hit the spot right about now.

Unfortunately, there ain't any within three hours of here. I made sure of this distressing fact by searching on the Internet. Several links came up, with both White Castle and Virginia in the underlying text. Alas, the theme was "Damn, I sure wish we had White Castles in Virginia." Yes, so do I.

But then I began to notice a trend in those conversations, as lovers of fine burgers bandied their suggestions: Many of them recommended Five Guys Burgers & Fries, a small (but quickly growing) local chain. Huh. Well, ONE guy, by himself, might not be able to make a good burger. Two guys working in concert may fare a little better, but could still be subject to the occasional stumble. But FIVE guys? How can they not ace every single one?

I quickly went to their website to scout out a location and get a sense of what I was getting myself into. Happily, their Herndon location is just a mile or two down (the aptly named) Frying Pan Road, which my apartment building abuts. I tried to bring a little NY/NJ style to the proceedings by donning my Coney Island Cyclone shirt, and then headed out.

I found the location on the corner unit in a strip mall. They appeared to be open, but the glare on the windows made it difficult to see what was going on in there. With some trepidation, I entered the establishment.

The joint was jumping! Every table occupied, and smeared with fry grease and other random stains of all colors. Garish red and white tiles lined the walls. A large sign toward the back read "Order Here". I sauntered back and took a look at the menu: "HAMBURGER." "CHEESEBURGER." and so on, along with a list of optional toppings. And fries.

I ordered a "cheeseburger, with lettuce, tomato, fried onions, and mayo". I don't like to get too adventurous during a maiden trip to a burger place. If you can't do the basics, then let me off the boat. And, I ordered a regular-sized order of fries.

After paying my $6.50 (or thereabouts), I tried to find a good spot to wait for my number (64) to be called. Not such an easy task, with the rampant popularity of this place! Finally, though, I settled down along the back wall, near where they'd posted their magazine reviews and ratings and whatnot. Meanwhile, the counter guy at the "Pick up order here" spot was yelping out numbers at top volume, in full over-the-top town-crier mode. "FIIIIIIFTY NIIIIIiiiiIIiiine!" And always, when the lucky winner came up, he would give them a "and I thank you so very much, ma'am, or sir!" This place definitely had character, and he was it!

One review on the wall caught my eye and left me in something approaching awe: The place was Zagat rated. I skipped over the review and went straight to the ratings, where I noticed two startling things: One, this place got the very LOWEST "D" (or "Decor") rating of any Zagat review I've ever seen. It got a 9. That was, I think, the first single-digit Zagat rating I've ever see for any restaurant, in any category.

The second thing I noticed was the "F" ("Food") rating:

Twenty-five.

Just to give you a frame of reference, the highest it goes is 30. Ruth's Chris got a 26. And Five Guys Burgers & Fries, this chain of ratty little dumps, with grease-stained paper bags flying everywhere like American Beauty, and cash-only counter service, got a 25.

"SIIIXXTY TWOOOOOooOOOooO!" The excitement was really building now. I began to bounce my foot up and down involuntarily, to release some of the tension. I readied myself close to the pick-up counter, and watched behind the Crier as they prepared brown paper bag after brown paper bag. And here is how it's done:

Person 1 brings the bag from the burger station, with the prepared burger already sitting at the bottom.

Person 2 opens the bag, and places a styrofoam cup, right side up, in the center of the bag.

Person 3 takes a giant shovel-ful of fries from the fry station, and fills the entire rest of the bag up with fries. This is the "regular" order. I cannot imagine what a "large" is.

"SIIIIIXTY FOUUUUUURRRRR!!" I was already there before he got through half of the number. "And I thank you very much, sir!" I took my bag and went out to the car. I remarked to myself how heavy the bag felt, before I remembered that I just watched them throw eight pounds of fried potatoes in there.

On the way to the car, I reached in, and pulled out a fry, which I then placed into my mouth and ate. Five Guys, similarly to In-N-Out, is very careful about letting you know that there are no freezers in the place, everything is fresh, and the fries start out their days as real potatoes. This was plainly evident from that first bite. It had a definite "fresh fry" taste to it, which cannot be duplicated by the McDonald'ses and the Wendy'ses. Some might actually prefer the other kind, but there's something about knowing you're actually eating a potato which makes fresh fries better. As an added bonus, this particular fry, while not particularly crisp, was seasoned nigh perfectly.

But I wasn't there for the fries. After reaching the car, I placed the bag inside, then reached deep down into its bowels (greasing up my hands something awful on those fries scattered everywhere) to get the burger.

Huh. Well, this is interesting. For all that talk about White Castle, I was somewhat amused to find that the burgers here, after being wrapped up tight in tinfoil, seem relatively small themselves, for all that hoopla. In width, it would have been eclipsed by a regular McDonald's hamburger, with room to spare. However, what it lacked in width, it made up for in height, and I noticed the rounded cubical nature of the thing. One would have been hard-pressed to figure out which way the burger was facing without unwrapping it, in fact.

And it was HEAVY. Possibly the densest item I've ever purchased from a fast-food restaurant.

I gingerly unwrapped it, like a nervous lover, fumbling at his partner's underthings. Beneath lay a lovely array of colors, straight from the Cheeseburger Rainbow. The brown/tan of the grilled bun, bright red and green from the veggies, a glowing, orangey-yellow from the American cheese, a smattering of white, as mayo peeked out from time to time -- and that glorious brown of freshly grilled beef.

I did stop for one second before diving in, because I actually saw TWO beef patties, and thought they might have given me the wrong order. But then I recalled the menu. "Cheeseburger" was followed by "Little Cheeseburger", and it all began to make sense. A "cheeseburger" here, due to the relatively small width, IS a double cheeseburger, and a "little cheeseburger" is a single. Well, not to intend a pun, but quirkiness like that? I just eat it up!

And then I ate it up.

And about that, I must say:

In-N-Out, I'll always remember you.
Fatburger, you'll be special to me until the day my arteries clog all the way shut.
White Castle, my long-lost, we shall meet again one day.
Tommy's, we've had some wonderful times together...

...but I have a new love. And her name is FIVE GUYS BURGERS & FRIES, the creators of the greatest cheeseburger I have ever eaten.

Five minutes later, my hangover had subsided, and my zest for life had returned.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, EVERYBODY!

Casual Observer · Post by **Casual Observer** » Mon May 30, 2005 12:39 pm

Jesus christ, that was a long post. I don't suppose somebody could summarize it for me, I don't have the attention span to get through it.

Deliberate Observer · Post by **Deliberate Observer** » Mon May 30, 2005 2:47 pm

Casual, I see you're still posting the same obnoxious, repugnant garbage for which you're renowned for.

Why can't you let Jolt Country be FUN again? Give us some replies people would actually want to read for once in your miserable life.

Oh, and don't forget to inspire us!

chris · Post by **chris** » Mon May 30, 2005 4:53 pm

For all of the burgers I've had over the years, only twice have I had one that was memorable.

The first was a black angus burger at a restaurant here in Rochester called "The Portico". It's closed now.

The second was a burger I had at a restaurant that's actually around the corner from my house.

MORE GOOD BURGERS, PLEASE!

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Mon May 30, 2005 5:39 pm

I gingerly unwrapped it, like a nervous lover, fumbling at his partner's underthings.

I swear, this lyrical stuff placed into everyday context KILLS ME. I can picture the scene (only Ben and his burger are in the FRONT seat of the car)

Then I laugh like I just read a Gary Larson cartoon. I want to add on so much stuff about that ONE line but it would take me all night and I need to get rid of these hiccups now.

The first was a black angus burger at a restaurant here in Rochester called "The Portico". It's closed now.

Somebody had a hitman special at that 'family' restaurant.

THE
NERVOUSLY
FUMBLING
AARDVARK

chris · Post by **chris** » Mon May 30, 2005 6:48 pm

AArdvark wrote:Somebody had a hitman special at that 'family' restaurant.

Is that why it closed? I never did hear if there was a reason other than a lack of business. Food was damn good there though!

Casual Observer · Post by **Casual Observer** » Mon May 30, 2005 7:01 pm

Deliberate Observer wrote:Casual, I see you're still posting the same obnoxious, repugnant garbage for which you're renowned for.

Why can't you let Jolt Country be FUN again? Give us some replies people would actually want to read for once in your miserable life.

Oh, and don't forget to inspire us!

Ben, you could at least take the time to register this "D.O." character. You're work is so fucking sloppy.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon May 30, 2005 7:24 pm

I wanted to point out at the outset that "D.O." is not me. It's just another guy out there who (quite understandably) hates you and thinks you suck.

Ask Jonsey to check the IPs, though. I have no idea who you, OR he is. All I know is, I don't hate him.

nessman · Post by **nessman** » Tue May 31, 2005 6:52 am

chris wrote:For all of the burgers I've had over the years, only twice have I had one that was memorable.

The first was a black angus burger at a restaurant here in Rochester called "The Portico". It's closed now.

The second was a burger I had at a restaurant that's actually around the corner from my house.

MORE GOOD BURGERS, PLEASE!

Two places come to mind... Barbers Bar & Grill in Brockport, and "Mr. V's" hotdog cart on the corner of Culver and University.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 31, 2005 9:20 am

pinback wrote:I wanted to point out at the outset that "D.O." is not me. It's just another guy out there who (quite understandably) hates you and thinks you suck.

"The Hunter Has Become the Hunted" seems to be the theme for this, the last half of 2005.

*I* am not any of these freaks. I was off the Internet for five days for the first time in like 8 years, so you can all figure things out from there.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Tue May 31, 2005 5:57 pm

Thai Specialty 2, my favorite little That restaurant where I used to live in Tustin, CA, is Zagat rated, as I noticed when I was there a few days ago. Can anyone look that up?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:01 am

Hey... question for those of you who eat Thai food. I went to Dayna's favorite restaurant as well and they served the Mussaman (sp!!?!?!) with chicken wings -- on the bone! -- instead of how I've had it every other time, which is boneless chunks of chicken.

Has anyone else ever had this? What the hell is going on there? I think it STINKS. Especially since you don't get a knife with Thai food.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:08 am

I prefer my chicken bone-in when it's stewed, for two reasons, only one of them possibly mythical:

1. (Possibly mythical) The bones themselves impart a richer, "meatier" taste to the dish, due to all the goodies in there. As this is the same process which makes stock, it actually seems quite likely. But you'd reaaaally need to do a serious, side-by-side taste test to tell, I think.

2. (Not mythical) I love the part at the end where you pick the bones up and gnaw every last little bit of meat and cartilege and whatever else off of them, and then bite them in half and suck out the marrow.

(And of course, bonus reason three: You don't have to bone the chicken, or pay the extra to have them boned for you.)

chris · Post by **chris** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:15 am

On the flip side, boneless chicken cooks in less than half the time....

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:25 am

Well, I have a lot of free time...

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 11:31 am

Nobody cares about this because nobody lives in range of one of these places, but I should tell you that today, I went back to (a different) Five Guys location, for my second go-round, just to make sure I wasn't being overly enthusiastic the first time, because of the reputation.

Today's choice: Cheeseburger with fried onions, relish, and mustard.

I hate with a passion people. Who. Do. This. But:

Oh. My. God.

It was a truly astounding, otherworldly experience. Without question, the finest burger I have ever eaten.

I only wish I wasn't so horrifically depressed, sitting alone in my car, while I ate it. The tickertape of my thoughts went something like:

godifuckingsuckworthlessnogoodlosercantevengetthe gutstokillyourselfyoufuckiHOLY SHIT!! WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS BURGER!!!! miserabledumbsonofabitchwhatsthepointingoingongod whyme

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 12:40 pm

Here's my "Food Take" for the day.

1) Ben, you made some terrific points regarding keeping bones in Mussamun curry. That being said, they were so stupid I am going to ban you. The answer I was looking for was that they were MORONS for giving me chicken wings in a plate of (otherwise delicious) curry and I'd like someone to check their green cards.

2) Pizza in Colorado blows compared to what I grew up on, but I seemingly found two great places in 24 hours. Dayna brought home the best fucking pie I've ever had out here from the city where she works. She doesn't know this, but I had been secretly creating traffic disasters along her commute to Greeley so that she'd leave her job so we could selfishly be closer to mine. The torn-up section of Route 85? Me. The broken-off railings as you enter town? I did that. The rabid leopard chained to her desk on Tuesday? SMELLS LIKE JONES. Well, the pizza she got changed everything.

The second one was given to us at work yesterday. I had one piece and it was the kind of NYC pizza that Nessman writes about. But would it hold up on a second visit????

No, it didn't. I had a piece for lunch and while it was still thin pizza it tasted like it was under a heat lamp for four hours before I got there, which is odd because I saw the kid working there put it in the oven. The next pizza I have will probably be your recipe, Pinner, so don't let me fuck it up or else it's over. You hear me? OVER.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 10:46 am

FIVE GUYS PHOTO SHOOT #1
MODEL: Cheeseburger, fried onions, pickles, mustard, mayo.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 10:55 am

I hope it tastes better than it looks.

Bruce

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 10:57 am

What are you talking about, Cancer Boy? I've never seen a more perfect vision of an all-American greaseball cheeseburger.