Exciting Announcement

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:28 pm

And I still want to know WHY you're leaving. People leave Caltrops all the time and I can't be bothered to trace their comings and goings. But I am curious in your case right now.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:33 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:So if I get you laid, by some OTHER girl (Jesus, there's like 3 billion of them, no, you can't get with mine) you will either keep posting here, not tell everyone Knuckles is really me and/or both. Okay.

That seems...

...equitable.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:34 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:And I still want to know WHY you're leaving. People leave Caltrops all the time and I can't be bothered to trace their comings and goings. But I am curious in your case right now.

> wonder
wonder wonder...

>

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:43 pm

That seems...

...equitable.

I would also accept cash and/or gifts, of course.

Reality Check · Post by **Reality Check** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:59 pm

Nobody believes pinner will EVER leave JC.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:00 pm

pinback wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:So if I get you laid, by some OTHER girl (Jesus, there's like 3 billion of them, no, you can't get with mine) you will either keep posting here, not tell everyone Knuckles is really me and/or both. Okay.
That seems...

...equitable.

All right, but we're going to do this MY way. What's the name of the city you live in, again?

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:06 pm

Herndon, VA. Zip code 20171.

I'm not sure you've really given enough thought to the killing-me-for-a-grand idea, though.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:07 pm

The more I think about this the more sick I get.

You: Nobody likes me!

Me: You make AN EIGHTH OF A MILLION DOLLARS.

You: Nobody likes me!

Me: You are either pretty in this world or rich. If you strike out on the first one you better get set with the next one.

You: Nobody likes me!

Me: Yeah, I know it's tough when you're trying to meet girls because lots of them have kids --

You: I don't mind!

Me: Hah, me either, really. Don't mind because, hey, no way, right! Doesn't affe--... Wait... seriously?

You: Sure!

Me: Jesus Christ, you pull down more in a month than 99% of everyone who has ever lived in this world makes in a year, you don't care if a woman has kids or needs to sweat a little to the oldies and you're depressed.

You: Because nobody likes me!

Me: Well, you're right, because now I don't either.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:08 pm

pinback wrote:Herndon, VA. Zip code 20171.

I'm not sure you've really given enough thought to the killing-me-for-a-grand idea, though.

Yeah, well, a flight would eat half of that money to start with. Taxes another quarter (I ain't getting into trouble over this)... it takes a lot more than the promise of a grand to make me want to kill somebody. It's either a cool eighth of a million or free. Either/or.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:09 pm

pinback wrote:Zip code 20171.

That's the most preposterous zip code I've ever seen. I've really got my work cut out for me.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:09 pm

I don't know why you're playing the "nobody likes me" angle. It has nothing to do with the fact that on 7/4, two separate shits will hit respective fans, and you'll never see me here again.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:10 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Yeah, well, a flight would eat half of that money to start with. Taxes another quarter (I ain't getting into trouble over this)... it takes a lot more than the promise of a grand to make me want to kill somebody. It's either a cool eighth of a million or free. Either/or.

Rochester's only a few hours drive. The offer's open to anyone.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:13 pm

Okay, here's the first one.

http://tinyurl.com/bm9dd

I'll write what you say in just a second.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:14 pm

This would be better if you did it on match.com, which I already subscribe to.

Cuz otherwise, you'll have to pay for the subscription, too.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:24 pm

pinback wrote:Im all about personality...yeah looks matter too! I find myself attracted to the sporty businessy type. Tall too! Well...taller than me! Im very attracted to the intelligent conversations yet knows how to slam a beer and have fun! The independent, career oriented, one woman man...that isnt jealous, or a player...

Yeah, imagine that, a girl sounds like she keeps her brain in the fridge on the Internet. Who would have guessed?

Your goal is to write her the following:

Hi there! I'm Ben and I just moved to the area. Can I tell you a little about myself? I'm a Software Engineer, cook and extreme hiker and I just got out of a lengthy relationship. Do you really like the Nats? Or did you just say that because they're in first place? =)

So, your profile says you're self-employed. What kind of work do you do?

Here's why you are going to say that.

1) You just moved to the area. That's the first excuse as to why you're 34 and not married. Yes, you need an excuse.

2) You're a Software Engineer. With the shift key just like the motherfucking $$$$$ is.

3) "cook" = maybe he'll feed me and my slovenly child.

4) extreme hiker = What is an "extreme" hiker? Worry about this part later.

5) "Just got out of a relationship." Oh, no, not completely the truth! Yeah well you were more emotionally involved with Michelle than either of my parents with each other. It counts.

6) "... because they're in first place?" Fags who don't keep up on sports are a dime a dozen. Don't be that guy. Having a baseball team that doesn't let you field grounders if you buy the Class AA season ticket is a big deal to these people.

7) =) -- I know, I know, but you have to use dumb emoticons to talk to people these days.

8) The rest of this is getting her to talk about herself which they love to do. They being women? No. They being everyone but you and a sober me.

We'll use this template in the future.

I'll also need a webcam-level picture of you from an angle that I can manipulate in Photoshop, you human crouton.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:25 pm

Oh. Well, haven't you already been trying on Match.com? And not just with those women who display photos?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:26 pm

But seriously. The Yahoo one says:

"lol I like sports.."

I mean, come on, wouldn't that take the pressure off? Christ sometimes what I wouldn't give to just start my sentences off with "lol" and have no pressure to end them even remotely well like the rest of the slackjawed idiots out there.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:26 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:you human crouton.

Well, I don't have to stand for this sort of disrespect.

(That being: disrespect which I don't completely understand.)

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:26 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Oh. Well, haven't you already been trying on Match.com? And not just with those women who display photos?

Yes.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:28 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:you human crouton.

Seriously, what does this mean?

You human small piece of toasted, seasoned bread? What does that mean?

That's it, fuck it.

Rome burns, 7/4/05. Be there. I rescind all of my previous offers, except for the one with your girlfriend.

And the $1000 to kill me one.