Help Me Buy My Dream Boat

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(Preferably with a signal-to-snide-unfunny-bullshit ratio greater than 3.)

THE GOAL: Buy a boat, something like this -- nicely appointed, livable (this is key), and awesome.

THE TIMELINE: For the purposes of this thread, let's say ASAP, although realistically, it will probably be at least a year or two before I really start planning it.

THE PRICE: Let's guess an even $200,000, for the kick-assest boat in the harbor. Maybe less, maybe more.

WHAT I HAVE RIGHT NOW: Nothing. Not two damn nickels to rub together.

WHAT I REALLY HAVE RIGHT NOW:
- A net worth of zero, give or take.
- A decent-paying job.
- A very expensive apartment.
- Two cats.
- $50,000+ worth of credit cards (that is, unused credit.)
- A burning desire to buy a kick-ass boat and live on it.

WHAT I AM ASKING FROM YOU PEOPLES:

Given the above stated goal, and the above stated raw materials, what is the smartest/best/fastest (pick any two) way of accomplishing the goal with said materials.

Begin now.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

(Preferably with a signal-to-snide-unfunny-bullshit ratio greater than 3.)

You know that CO and Knuckles are going to give you a hard time, so it looks like we are going to need to generate about six quality posts here. I'll see what I can do!

THE PRICE: Let's guess an even $200,000, for the kick-assest boat in the harbor. Maybe less, maybe more.

Can't you get a cheaper, albeit liveable, boat and then trade up?

WHAT I HAVE RIGHT NOW: Nothing. Not two damn nickels to rub together.

WTF? How is this possible!? How are you not rolling in dough? I don't even want to say what you made at your last job, because it's private and I don't want my own financial figures being bandied about, but Jesus Mary! The fuck did you spend it on? Three hundred thousand packages of Big League Chew?

For what it's worth, Dayna was/is right. I said you had a net worth of ... signficiantly more than two wooden nickels. She disagreed. Never again will I go against a woman's intuition, except when it comes to reptile cage tape (I'm for).

WHAT I REALLY HAVE RIGHT NOW:
- A net worth of zero, give or take.
- A decent-paying job.
- A very expensive apartment.
- Two cats.
- $50,000+ worth of credit cards (that is, unused credit.)
- A burning desire to buy a kick-ass boat and live on it.

OK...

Get yourself into a shithole apartment and have the extra wages thrown into a "boat" account. You can even call it that.

Take one month's pay, go to Vegas, put it on the roulette table. Next time I'm in Vegas, I will be doing this, so you might as well live the dream before me. This means you have to live cheap for one month. But if you DO do it, you're even closer.

And... well shit, how do people normally get these things? Oh, right... GO TO THE BANK AND GET A LOAN. Granted, you'll want a thirty-year fixed loan for it and you'll be paying it off until it becomes a sea coffin, but it's a way to go get it.

Your other option is to be the director of "Fallacy of Dawn: The Movie." That would probably gross enough to get you half of it, let's be honest. But it involves you working with one's friends in a professional capacity, which we all know is utterly impossible.

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See, I don't know anything about loans. I mean, I understand the concept (you borrow money from a bank), but past that, I have no clue. "30 year"? "Fixed what?" And what the hell is "escrow"?

So, I don't know anything. Imagine like you're talking to a small, retarded child, who wants to buy a large boat and has no money.

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WHAT I HAVE RIGHT NOW: Nothing. Not two damn nickels to rub together.

WTF? How is this possible!?

Let's see. Since October of 2002, I have worked a total of... 13 months!

Does that answer your question?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

See, I don't know anything about loans. I mean, I understand the concept (you borrow money from a bank), but past that, I have no clue. "30 year"? "Fixed what?" And what the hell is "escrow"? So, I don't know anything. Imagine like you're talking to a small, retarded child, who wants to buy a large boat and has no money.

Well, that's the wonderful thing about a loan. You don't NEED to have $200,000 to get a $200,000 boat, just the ability to prove that, given enough time, you can come up with it (plus a whole lot more).

Imagine that you gave thirty cents to your co-worker so he could buy a soda that goes for fifty. Now, your co-worker isn't a programmer like you -- fuck, the man has a family. He can't be at work until 10:00 PST each night. He's got to get home and yell at his kids so they're not a fuckup like their old man.

No, he can't afford the last thirty cents for a soda. It took a few months for him to save up twenty cents! But he's really thirsty. He can't give you the remaining thirty cents, but he can give you a penny. A penny a month. A penny a month for the rest of his natural life (he's 32, like you).

This works in your favor, because you get the soda if all of a sudden he can't pay. So let's say he doesn't make his first payment. You repossess the soda and have thirty cents invested in something that goes for fifty on the open market. You can probably find someone to buy it for 45 or 46 cents. This is a good risk for you. He'll be paying you for the rest of his life (and that's what, essentially, you'll be doing if you get this boat) and eventually far surpass the original $0.30 investment. By a factor of six or seven. If he defaults, BOOM. The soda is yours and you can sell it and make a profit.

OK, this example sort of requires that your co-worker not drink the soda until the end. But. Anyway.

Now, onto escrow. Escrow is a term invented by people who play massively multiplayer on-line role playing games. Only, because they are under the age of 25 and on the Internet, they're fucking retarded. They don't know what "role-playing" is. Since they don't know the real defintion of words (as evidenced by them doing things they'd never, ever attempt in real life -- including conversing with others) it's totally cool to make some up, even funny-sounding words like "escrow." Hahah, it's got parts of cow AND crow in there!!!

Escrow means that everyone has to put their shit into the center of the monitor and can only click "agree" when it's obviously setup correctly. So you have a check for $200K. The marina has a boat. You put your check in escrow and they put the check there. If the check clears and the boat floats than Escrow gives the money to the marina and the boat to you. If the check doesn't clear or if the boat is filled with more holes than my above illustration of loans then Escrow does not allow the transaction to go through. I don't think you need to do anything with escrow in order to get a boat.

What you need to get a loan:

1) The ability to look like or obtain a white person (don't hate the player, hate the game). The reason why there are no white bank robbers, except for the movies, is because we give each other loans.
2) The ability to hold down a steady job. Might be difficult to prove, given your flightiness.
3) The ability to provide a down payment.

Would you like to know more?

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Can I have some money?

Where can I find a white person?

Moreover, what's this I hear about... cosigning for a loan?

[AArdvark]

My wife works at a bank and does this sort of a thing for a living. Get a loan at a CREDIT UNION! Banks will ask you to provide collateral, something that they can take away from ou that's worth 200K if you run away and join the South Pacific flatulence society and stop paying them every month. Banks will do a rectum-inclusive history check, especially for something as frivolous as a boat, even if you plan to make it a permanent habitation, Quincy. They get nervous when they give out that much money for something that can move to another country/province/continent at the whim of the owner. Plus the intrest rate on something like would be pretty high. Not exactly loan shark rates, but, lets say loan barracuda rates.
Pinback possibility factor using a 12 sided die.....slim to none.

Which brings us to...
CREDIT UNIONS!

As an example, I will relate the story of the house next door to mine. Private sale from the old owner to the new owner. Old owner was a realtor so everyone saved a ton of legal fees. Now get this. House is asssesed at about 60K. New owner is 25 years old and grosses 13K a year. Works at a car park. Credit union says 'Sure! Have some money!' Cuts him a check in a little over a month. Never saw a closing go so fast. Try getting a mortgage from a bank while making minimum wage, having NO credit and under the age of 30 sometime, go ahead, just try it.

C.U's are a lot looser in the restrictions department. Banks have to make a profit to please the shareholders. Credit U's by law, CANNOT have a profit at the end of the fiscal year and must divide up any monies left over amongst the customers. This is the dividend thing that you hear as a selling point on the radio commercials. (They try really hard to balance out before the end of the year tho.) Since everyone throws money into a large Credit Union mattress, they can offer lower intrest rates and better terms. (Most credit unions DO NOT have cash in the offices, tho! You want to cash a paycheck? go to a bank. BALLS!)

Anyway, with a co-signer, someone who is not as shiftless, you could probably swing a loan thru a CU.

Pinback probabability factor......fair. (get a steady paycheck and register to vote while you're at it.)

THE
PINSTRIPE
3 PIECE
AARDVARK

[Souffle of Pain]

Where can I find a white person?

As far as banks are concerned, you're the ultimate white person - a jew

Moreover, what's this I hear about... cosigning for a loan?

This lets someone else shoulder the blame if you go off your meds.

Six posts to one snide post, this is what you get

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

So what did you decide, man!?! What did you DECIDE?

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Fuck it.

[AArdvark]

Smaat move. Buy a house.

Take a tip from a real estate agent and a high school slut. Get a lot while you are young.

Not that I am either one of those occupations, mind you.



THE
FORTUNE
COOKIE
AARDVARK

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Oh, I'd buy ten boats before I bought a house. Please.