Five Things I Can't Stand About Work

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

This doesn't happen at my current job, as there are only like six of us left and we're all cool. We spend the whole day fingergunning each other and chewing on toothpicks. Here's five things that used to drive me crazy about previous jobs.

The Microsoft Conversation: At some point you're going to get trapped in a conversation where someone tells you what idiots those assholes at Microsoft are. Not that you, your co-workers, or even anyone they've ever spoken to is somehow going to take even a micro-percentage of market share away from them, with any product. This is especially problematic if your company is trying to make something that would be trounced in the marketplace if a company with infinite cash and resources copied it.


The Meeting Not Attended By The Only Real Decision Maker: I used to get these all the time. I thought one of my bosses was a complete cocksucker, so whenever I found myself having to create a meeting about some stupid shit, I'd never invite him. Not that he cared, I'm sure he thought I was a piece of human detritus as well. As a result, all the meetings I held at one of my last jobs were completely toothless and ended with, "Well, this sounds great, but let's ask [Mr. Dickshitter]." There was only a 40% chance that someone would bother to do that and wake the dragon, and it certainly wasn't going to be me. Therefore every moment I spent in a meeting I called was wasted.


The In-Depth Computer Programming Conversation: When I ultimately write the world's best text game at the age of 55 and finally am in complete control of my text-game faculties, I'm definitely going to have a protagonist work in a particular field that he likes just fine, except for when any of his co-workers even remotely attempt to discuss it. To be specific: there is nothing more boring than hearing how someone solved some computer programming task. "Oh," you might think, "you are a piece of crap because I'm sure you think your solutions are so much more interesting, and that you feel you pepper those stories with stuff even non-programmers can enjoy." FUCK no. If anything, mine are worse because I don't get any practice at this. Here's how every one of my software problems gets solved:

- I used a debugger (in Assembly) and realized, "Shit! That wasn't supposed to happen!"

OR!

- I used a print statement (pretty much everywhere else) and realized, "Shit! That wasn't supposed to be there!"

(A big number three, lately, is the, "Why is this doing this? My changes have no effect! Shit, I'm looking at the test server, not the development one! FUUUUCK" It took a while for that one to happen because this is the first job I've had that actually bothered to spring for development and test servers. Look for this one to have a meteoric rise in 2008... er, if meteors rose.)

Oh yeah, one other thing. The whole genius behind "extreme programming" is that it managed to get beyond this, by making two poor saps responsible for some shit. Of course, the downside of "XP" is that people don't want to talk to anyone an hour after lunch, thus creating silent rage when you have to co-program.


"Do You Know How To Get To Barry's Mexican Emporium And FishGrill? No? Let Me Verbally Give You Directions!": This might be a personal thing. I have someone trying to verbally give me directions once a week. I will never, ever, ever remember any of that shit. I have a 50/50 chance of making the right turn off Interstate 25 if I am going home. Also, if I gave a shit, I'd ask you for the final address and get a Google Maps print-out. I don't, so I didn't.


The Team Building Exercise: I had one of these when a bunch of IFers were in town. You know what, it would have been nice to have hung out with J. Robinson Wheeler, Benjamin "Pinback" Parrish, Paul O'Brian, Adam Cadre, Jennifer Earl and Dayna for a little longer, instead of arriving late due to the genius-level command decision of going straight from rafting to a "meal" that was as forced and strained as Jesus and the Disciples holding still for The Last Supper. An ambulance had to be called as one guy practically died due to the temperature changes. Here's a spoiler as to how well the team was built, as a result: everybody hated everybody else, and years later everyone who was still there that wasn't in management got shit-canned. The fucking end.

[Peter G.]

It's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care.

[AArdvark]

someone trying to verbally give me directions

Those people that do not use lefts and rights, but instead give compass headings as directions. to wit:

"OK, you head North on kumquat boulevard and then turn east onto Flatulence road. Go about two mile (not two miles but two mile) then jig Northeast at the Krusty kreme. Easy as pie."


Google maps has only gotten me lost twice. I could have never gotten lost by myself, so I blame Google maps.


THE
STUPID PRINTER
AARDVARK

[CO]

Being in a new city I've heard at least ten times in the last month something like, "ok, do you know xxxx street?" No, I don't, I just told you that I just moved here. I laughed outloud when I read Jonsey's post because I've been stopping people in mid sentence and saying, "just give me the address and I'll look it up now". They seem to get offended but I don't give a shit.

[Vitriola]

In Colorado, north, south, east and west are pretty easy, but only in the DAYTIME. After dusk, folks, your exasperated sigh when I don't comprehend is just the less likely I'll be to want to make it to your establishment.

[Jack Straw]

As well you shouldn't.

I stopped giving a shit what people think a LOOOOONG time ago.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

It's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care.

You seem to have given this thread legs, and for that I thank you, sir!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I've been stopping people in mid sentence and saying, "just give me the address and I'll look it up now". They seem to get offended but I don't give a shit.

We picked up some furniture from a guy through craigslist last week, and instead of just giving me the final address so I could plug it into the net, he asked me where I was coming from and just started listing off the turns I would make. If you're aware enough to get on craigslist, how did you miss MapQuest? The only situations where I need something more than the final address is if the destination is one of those communities that use the same name for every goddamn street (Juniper Street, next to Juniper Place next to Juniper Circle) or I am burying a body.

[Vitriola]

His directions were very concise, and well-given. We found the place, no prob. He was Mister Businessman, though, and was used to giving good directions.

It's the people that are bad at it but trying to help that are the problem. I want to hear "take a left on this, a right on this, at the stoplight, I am on the corner". But this is what most people do: "Turn at Burt Street. Then, go right at Ernie St. You'll pass a barn, the Fifth St. Elementary School, and that hydrant, but if you see the yellow house with the statue you've gone too far". Don't help me that much. I do not need that shit, as long as the streets are marked. It's just confusing.

[Vitriola]

I work at an animal shelter, and am frequently called upon to tell or send email directions. The street that people have to turn on is marked, but who the hell can look at street signs going 60 mph on the busy highway the shelter is right off. So, they thought it out, said that the street was 3.5 miles down from the major interstate. People still missed it, as sign was hard to see at speed.

I noticed that their intersection had a BIG HUGE BRIGHT-ASS YELLOW BARN on the corner. How did they not use this? I changed the directions to read 'turn left at the bright-ass yellow barn'. Nobody misses that turn anymore.

[Knuckles the CLown]

I was asked to meet someone the other day and their directions were, "ok you know where the public market is, its by there" I know i am an adult now because two days later I am in the currently in the process of plotting their murder rather then presently being convivted of it.

[Jack Straw]

Murder, murder, murder it..
You never heard of it
redrum in reverse, bodies in the hearse
Now your life's gone cause we wanted you to die
Time to kiss your ass goodbye, don't ask why

[Tdarcos]

This doesn't happen at my current job, as there are only like six of us left and we're all cool.

Did you ever see the animated series Code Monkey?

Your entire rant about the problems at work reminds me of the theme song from the show,[youtube][/youtube]

Code: Select all

Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
have boring meeting with boring manager Rob
Rob say Code Monkey very diligent
but his output stink
his code not functional or elegant
what do Code Monkey think
Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write goddamn login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy just proud 

which was written and sung by Jonathon Colter, who was a programmer before he became a musician. Interestingly enough he also wrote the theme song for Portal.[/code]