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BRINGING MY PADDLE
AARDVARK
The 50 Worst Video Games of All-Time
Moderators: AArdvark, Ice Cream Jonsey
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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#50 - SPY HUNTER II
Platform: Arcade
Developer: Bally-Midway, 1987
Let's start this list off with something that is not only a miserable fucking abomination, but one that offers a level of tactile feedback in being truly terrible. Do you see that fucking eyesore up above? That is Spy Hunter II, the failed sequel to the original arcade game Spy Hunter, which was an amazing game and #44 on my original list of good games.
Here is what they decided to do for SH2. Do you see the monitor up there? That is a single 25" monitor. "But ICJ," you may be asking, "I don't get it? What's that shit in the middle?" Glad you asked!
In order to allow for two players at the same time, they put a garish cardboard stripe down the fucking middle to "split" the screen.
That's right. Inches of screen real estate is completely wasted, and a made-up solution that would get you laughed at if you were four years old (CARDBOARD!!) went into an arcade game that was supposed to seriously go on location for adults.
No two people would ever agree to play the goddamn thing, so odds are you are playing in single player mode with the other half of the display just sitting there.
But the childish attempt at separating the game play for two people isn't what makes the thing a total failure. The perspective of the game shifted to some kind of pseudo-3D deal. Imagine Road Blasters, but with less viewable area in front of you. The entire point of the original Spy Hunter was being able to have a bird's-eye view of the action as you killed spies. You had access to a good 50% of the screen when the turbo kicked in, and this set up things nicely for cars that were behind you, as well as ahead of you. (They also ruined this for the Xbox/PS2 sequel, but that had enough going for it to not make it otherwise sort-of worthwhile.)
Look at this:
This is a goddamn waste of time.
I did some investigating on the KLOV forum, and this thing didn't make anyone a dime when it was new. It killed off the franchise for twenty years and, in its current form, the new Spy Hunter games are nothing special.
Spy Hunter II is truly, in the opinion of your SysOp, the fiftieth worst game of all-time.
Platform: Arcade
Developer: Bally-Midway, 1987
Let's start this list off with something that is not only a miserable fucking abomination, but one that offers a level of tactile feedback in being truly terrible. Do you see that fucking eyesore up above? That is Spy Hunter II, the failed sequel to the original arcade game Spy Hunter, which was an amazing game and #44 on my original list of good games.
Here is what they decided to do for SH2. Do you see the monitor up there? That is a single 25" monitor. "But ICJ," you may be asking, "I don't get it? What's that shit in the middle?" Glad you asked!
In order to allow for two players at the same time, they put a garish cardboard stripe down the fucking middle to "split" the screen.
That's right. Inches of screen real estate is completely wasted, and a made-up solution that would get you laughed at if you were four years old (CARDBOARD!!) went into an arcade game that was supposed to seriously go on location for adults.
No two people would ever agree to play the goddamn thing, so odds are you are playing in single player mode with the other half of the display just sitting there.
But the childish attempt at separating the game play for two people isn't what makes the thing a total failure. The perspective of the game shifted to some kind of pseudo-3D deal. Imagine Road Blasters, but with less viewable area in front of you. The entire point of the original Spy Hunter was being able to have a bird's-eye view of the action as you killed spies. You had access to a good 50% of the screen when the turbo kicked in, and this set up things nicely for cars that were behind you, as well as ahead of you. (They also ruined this for the Xbox/PS2 sequel, but that had enough going for it to not make it otherwise sort-of worthwhile.)
Look at this:
This is a goddamn waste of time.
I did some investigating on the KLOV forum, and this thing didn't make anyone a dime when it was new. It killed off the franchise for twenty years and, in its current form, the new Spy Hunter games are nothing special.
Spy Hunter II is truly, in the opinion of your SysOp, the fiftieth worst game of all-time.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Last night I heard someone or thing banging on the house at about three AM. The noise was coming from two locations about a foot apart.
I was a little scared, but right as I decided to call 911, it stopped.
Guys... I think it was Spy Hunter II that was doing it.
I was a little scared, but right as I decided to call 911, it stopped.
Guys... I think it was Spy Hunter II that was doing it.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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pinback
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Worm
- Posts: 3626
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Seriously, I'm not quite sure how to do it on imageshack, but so help me god Robb. I will reroute that to goatse if you don't keep trucking here. Not to be passe, but I like the classics.
Last edited by Worm on Tue Jul 29, 2008 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Good point Bobby!
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loafergirl
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I beleive it was called JUMP!
It was a crappy Nintendo Game that was like playing frogger, but instead of going against traffic you were in it as a car whose speed you couldn't control and all you could do was move left and right inside the road and... jump.
-LG
-LG
1, 2, 5!
3 sir...
3!
3 sir...
3!
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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#49 - MADDEN 2006
Platform: Xbox
Developer: Electronic Arts
I shall not forget playing this at the Milker's house for the first time.
First, let me describe the system that the Milk has, for Xbox games. It is ENORMOUS. An entire goddamn wall of his house uses a projector for this shit. It is, simply, one of the finest places to play video games I have ever experienced in my entire life.
Electronic Arts purchased an exclusive NFL license in 2005. This meant that the excellent "NFL2Kx" brand was in trouble, as they released a more playable product than Madden every single year. The corpse of NFL Blitz was kicked one last time, and a little shallow puff of fun was shaken loose one last time, but with there no "serious" football game on the market, Madden now finds itself played by people who are sick of seeing the game still get things wrong after almost 20 versions.
The first thing you're going to want to do is turn the sound off on your TV when you start it up. The music is fucking terrible. I used to be the guy who liked all music "except rap and country" and then I started driving 90 minutes each way to work. Staving off insanity, I now welcome rap and country and death metal and comedy albums and everything else. It takes a band really working hard for me to hate them, and I genuinely hated every single song on the Madden soundtrack. The sound effects and announcing were equally piss poor.
When two guys in their early 30s get together to play a game of football, the game had better have an intuitive "head-to-head" option. Madden doesn't have this. You have to hunt for it. Any sort of defense along the lines of, "You should just read the manual" is a bunch of shit for two reasons. First off, this is the ultimate game for the casual gamer. Secondly, they've been trotting out these things for so long it's reasonable to expect that they've mastered a GUI. They haven't.
I'll give the game credit for having a few old teams already unlocked, but they quickly fuck that up, too. My buddy selected the 96 Broncos and I took the 92 Saints. Both teams were completely unrecognizeable -- the player names were absent (and I understand why this is the case but sorry, EA bought up exclusive rights and if this means cutting a small check to Gary Kubiack and Ironhead Heyward then that's too bad) and the fucking uniform numbers are random. #2 cannot be the number of a wide receiver, but there he was catching passes for good ole #29, hall of fame quarterback for Denver. What a joke. It makes using the old teams, which are usually pretty even, a waste of time.
Controls are hideous. Trying to get your ballcarriers to change direction is really tough. Your quarterback simply can not throw a pass once the game decides the sack animation has started. Guys constantly go backwards 4 yards after catching a ball past the first down marker (with no forward progress in place). There's no consistent way to determine if a play features play action unless you empty the backfield. Play action freezes nobody and is a terrific way to get sacked. The running game is simply, fundamentally broken in head-to head play. The kicking interface is new to me and utterly pointless. NFL2K1 nailed it for consoles and it's typical of EA to toy with something that worked fine in order to put their own, terrible stamp on it. The coaches are not made up of sprites like they are in so many other games, but the coaches looked nothing like any guy we've ever seen before. The franchise still, after all these years, will take control of your players when you're trying to keep them in one spot -- it's the worst thing about Madden games and I have no idea why they haven't yet fixed it. There's an option to let John Madden pick a play for you and down by 11 with 1:52 left he called a running play for my friend. If Madden truly believed that was to be the best play then he should be thrown out of the hall of fame while they make a point of leaving O.J. in.
Lastly, there was apparently no way to perform an instant replay challenge and the game doesn't know all the rules. My buddy mugged me with :02 left in the game and since a penalty was called I didn't bother to call a time out. Time ran out. This is stuff the development team needs to know about from day one. They're not good enough to handle the rules of football, which really aren't all that complicated to guys who are able to grasp programming.
Madden 2006 is one of the worst games I've ever played and it's really too bad that the lazy shits at EA snapped up the exclusive NFL license. I guess if you've been playing this instead of NFL2K4 and 2K5 it's OK for you, as you're sort of slow and stupid and can convince yourself that the nigh-super deformed player graphics are fantastic and make it all worthwhile. No adult, nor anyone who thinks like one would bother to play a second game of this nonsense.
Platform: Xbox
Developer: Electronic Arts
I shall not forget playing this at the Milker's house for the first time.
First, let me describe the system that the Milk has, for Xbox games. It is ENORMOUS. An entire goddamn wall of his house uses a projector for this shit. It is, simply, one of the finest places to play video games I have ever experienced in my entire life.
Electronic Arts purchased an exclusive NFL license in 2005. This meant that the excellent "NFL2Kx" brand was in trouble, as they released a more playable product than Madden every single year. The corpse of NFL Blitz was kicked one last time, and a little shallow puff of fun was shaken loose one last time, but with there no "serious" football game on the market, Madden now finds itself played by people who are sick of seeing the game still get things wrong after almost 20 versions.
The first thing you're going to want to do is turn the sound off on your TV when you start it up. The music is fucking terrible. I used to be the guy who liked all music "except rap and country" and then I started driving 90 minutes each way to work. Staving off insanity, I now welcome rap and country and death metal and comedy albums and everything else. It takes a band really working hard for me to hate them, and I genuinely hated every single song on the Madden soundtrack. The sound effects and announcing were equally piss poor.
When two guys in their early 30s get together to play a game of football, the game had better have an intuitive "head-to-head" option. Madden doesn't have this. You have to hunt for it. Any sort of defense along the lines of, "You should just read the manual" is a bunch of shit for two reasons. First off, this is the ultimate game for the casual gamer. Secondly, they've been trotting out these things for so long it's reasonable to expect that they've mastered a GUI. They haven't.
I'll give the game credit for having a few old teams already unlocked, but they quickly fuck that up, too. My buddy selected the 96 Broncos and I took the 92 Saints. Both teams were completely unrecognizeable -- the player names were absent (and I understand why this is the case but sorry, EA bought up exclusive rights and if this means cutting a small check to Gary Kubiack and Ironhead Heyward then that's too bad) and the fucking uniform numbers are random. #2 cannot be the number of a wide receiver, but there he was catching passes for good ole #29, hall of fame quarterback for Denver. What a joke. It makes using the old teams, which are usually pretty even, a waste of time.
Controls are hideous. Trying to get your ballcarriers to change direction is really tough. Your quarterback simply can not throw a pass once the game decides the sack animation has started. Guys constantly go backwards 4 yards after catching a ball past the first down marker (with no forward progress in place). There's no consistent way to determine if a play features play action unless you empty the backfield. Play action freezes nobody and is a terrific way to get sacked. The running game is simply, fundamentally broken in head-to head play. The kicking interface is new to me and utterly pointless. NFL2K1 nailed it for consoles and it's typical of EA to toy with something that worked fine in order to put their own, terrible stamp on it. The coaches are not made up of sprites like they are in so many other games, but the coaches looked nothing like any guy we've ever seen before. The franchise still, after all these years, will take control of your players when you're trying to keep them in one spot -- it's the worst thing about Madden games and I have no idea why they haven't yet fixed it. There's an option to let John Madden pick a play for you and down by 11 with 1:52 left he called a running play for my friend. If Madden truly believed that was to be the best play then he should be thrown out of the hall of fame while they make a point of leaving O.J. in.
Lastly, there was apparently no way to perform an instant replay challenge and the game doesn't know all the rules. My buddy mugged me with :02 left in the game and since a penalty was called I didn't bother to call a time out. Time ran out. This is stuff the development team needs to know about from day one. They're not good enough to handle the rules of football, which really aren't all that complicated to guys who are able to grasp programming.
Madden 2006 is one of the worst games I've ever played and it's really too bad that the lazy shits at EA snapped up the exclusive NFL license. I guess if you've been playing this instead of NFL2K4 and 2K5 it's OK for you, as you're sort of slow and stupid and can convince yourself that the nigh-super deformed player graphics are fantastic and make it all worthwhile. No adult, nor anyone who thinks like one would bother to play a second game of this nonsense.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
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Ice Cream Jonsey
- Posts: 30067
- Joined: Sat Apr 27, 2002 2:44 pm
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