Colorado is different than Oklahoma. If you call pest control for a raccoon in Oklahoma they would just laugh at you and call you a girl. Unless you really are a girl; then they would just laugh at you. Calling you a girl would be redundant.
Yeah, I know - I'm lost in frigging Flatspace out here, with few family and even fewer friends, so I've got to rely on the inherent sociology of the situation to get me through it. Here's how bad it is:
I don't have a ladder, because I don't have access to a vehicle that I can put the ladder in. I'm gonna have to get one delivered off the Internet. I sicken myself, so I know where everyone else is coming from.
They sell traps at Home Depot for around $20. They work. Once you catch one you'll have a pissed off critter in a cage. I read that squirrels will return up to 20 miles, so be prepared to drive them further than that, or you'll need a way to "dispose" of them.
In all honesty, if he did jump in the trap, I was going to bring him down by where I work and let him go. Just because it would allow me to make my commute productive. I love the idea of a raccoon returning to the exact same spot after being brought 19 miles away. The raccoon just adjusts its mask, throws up its hands and goes, "KRIKEY!" and starts running back.
In Oklahoma that's not a problem (you can probably get a random passer-by to shoot them for you). The web sites I Googled recommend drowning them in a trash can but that seemed a little cruel to me. I have seen skunk traps that hook up to your car's exhaust that will CO2 them to death.
Jesus Christ! You know, when it comes right down to it, the line separating the average family man from becoming Alan Moore's version of the Joker is a cubic foot of structural damage to his house.
I will confess that I don't have it in me to start mowing down mammals, or building some kind of Uncle Toad's Wild Deathtrap for them. I *know* it's gonna have kittens (and by the way, quick tangent: how happy am I to have "having kittens" back in my daily vocabulary?? The best thing, verbally, about being in a relationship with a gal is, when they are upset about something, telling them to stop having kittens about it, and then gleefully kicking your heels and throwing extra blankets and pillows on the couch) and I know it's defecating everywhere, but man, I encounter a dumb raccoon and I turn into a junior member of Greenpeace suddenly.
