Best/Worst of the 64 -- your list?

[Flack]

I am working on a new (free) eBook that I plan to release sometime this fall. I haven't come up with a catchy name yet (the working title is "64 of 64" but that's not catchy). The idea is that it's going to include 64 reviews of Commodore 64 games. The catch is, it's going to be 32 great games and 32 terrible ones.

I sat down the other day and started going through my lists of games and came with approximately two million good games I could include. The problem is, I only came up a handful of truly rotten games.

So, what say you -- what were the worst games on the Commodore 64? (For that matter, you can list your favorites too.) My personal stipulations are that the games have to have been publicly sold (no crappy home brew BASIC games) and must have sucked back then; no fair saying that a game sucks compared to what's out now (many of them do).

[CO]

I remember being really dissapointed by airwolf. It wasn't that long after the series that I had my c64 and I really really wanted to like it but ended up hating it. More than the limitations of the platform, I remember not liking the game at all. In fact, to this day I am not aware of any airwolf game that doesn't absolutely suck ass.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I started to write a reply (first game I thought of was Borrowed Time, a graphical text adventure that betrayed the genre by having a timer running that killed you very quickly unless you were making progress with the plot) but my browsers all locked up. Frustrating! I shall contribute to this thread!

I tried making a list of the 50 worst games I've ever played once, but oddly, none were C64 games... I didn't have one growing up, but spent lots of days at a friend's house who did, and we tried 'em all.

OK, there is a Transformers game for the C64 which blew. I remember lusting over that one back in the day, but never playing it. More soon!

[AArdvark]

I am so gonna reply to this when I have a minute free time.

[AArdvark]

OK, to start. I'll probably keep adding to this as I get more time, but for right now...

In no particular order....



This game sucked balls because no matter how many times I said 'Let me try this with an open mind and fresh enthusiasm'
I still could not capture a ghost. NOT ONE! Plus there are many facets of the game that I did not understand. Knowing a game is key. I just never 'got' this game.





This game sucked balls because the learning curve looked remarkably like the green monster in Fenway Park. I have seen youtubes of people beating the entire game in ten minutes, but I still don't think it's possible to actually beat the game.



I don't know why I ever bothered to get this game. It is just rotten.

[Flack]

Ghostbusters? Seriously? I was going to put list that as one of the 32 GOOD ones! If you never caught a ghost you must not have added a vacuum cleaner to your ghost-ass-kicking-mobile!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Yeah, I get Vark not liking a popular game (hooooah do I) but I think the general consensus on David Crane's Ghostbusters was that it was pretty good.

[AArdvark]

GB could have been oh so much better..

next up for super-suck is


Skool Daze

every time I played this I thought of Angus Young from AC/DC in his velvet shorts and cap. Notice how all my bad games are the ones I was no good at playing? Maybe because they weren't good enough to keep me interested. I thought of Putting M.U.L.E on this list but I actually played that long enough to get a feel for it.

[Bad List Fairy]

How about explaining the damn game or what it is or how it works, MAN is this is bad list.

BAD LIST

[AArdvark]

Wait a minute. This is simply a list of bad C64 games. Actually, it's a list of games I think are bad. It's objective.

Wanting me to describe gameplay is above and beyond. How about if I compromise and link youtube videos.

I think that's a peach of an idea.

[youtube][/youtube]

[AArdvark]

[youtube][/youtube]

I can't seem to find the sex games on youtube, huh.

[Flack]

Here's one of the games for my bad list: Aaargh!

I can't find any footage of the C64 version on YouTube. Here's a review of the (better) Amiga version by Butthead.

[youtube][/youtube]

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Flack, I feel we have failed you. But at the same time, I think the C64 was a pretty good platform, all things considered.

[Flack]

Nah, it's all good. My biggest concern is that I'll do something boneheaded like leave some great game off my good list or some notoriously bad game off my bad list. I guess that's what Volume II is for.

Here's the review I have written (so far) for Aaargh!.

---

Rarely do video game developers provide their own reviews within a game’s title, but Melbourne House did just that with their 1988 release, “Aaargh!â€￾ And, demonstrating great literary efficiency, they managed to achieve this feat with a single word.

Aaargh! was originally developed for the Arcadia system, an arcade platform developed by Mastertronic subsidiary Arcadia and built on Amiga hardware. The system never gained any real-world popularity, but its Amiga-based hardware allowed for an arcade-perfect version of Aaargh! to also appear on Amiga home computers. The following year, Mastertronic-owned Melbourne House ported and published the game on multiple home computing platforms, including the Commodore 64 -- and while the Commodore version is better than many of the other 8-bit versions, that’s really not saying much.

Aaargh! is monster beat-‘em-up game, similar to Rampage but without any of the charm, humor, or fun. Players can choose to play either a giant lizard who can punch and breathe fire, or a giant one-horned ogre who can punch and breathe fire. Hey, wait a minute ...

The ultimate goal in Aaargh! is to obtain a golden egg, which can only be accomplished after obtaining five regular eggs hidden among multiple locations. This is never explained within the confines of the game, by the way -- you’d have to read the manual to know any of this. Similar to Rampage, each location you visit contains multiple buildings which must be destroyed by attacking them. The buildings can contain a power-up, one of the eggs, or could be empty (like your soul after playing this game for more than five minutes).

Each level is inhabited by multiple enemies designed to make your stay in each location an unpleasant one. Giant hornets will sting you, giant birds will poop on you, cannons will fire at you, and little dots will swarm around you (oh wait; those are people, not dots). The wasps fly horizontally, the birds poop vertically, and the cannon can fire in any direction. If there’s one good thing about this game it’s that the suffering won’t last long.

If you do manage to survive the attacking swarms and find an egg, you’ll be whisked away to a mini-game in which the lizard and ogre must fight one another to maintain ownership of the egg. Unfortunately in face-to-face combat your monster loses the ability to breathe fire (by far your most powerful weapon), but the good news is you magically gain the ability to jump -- yes, jump. And let’s be honest, who wants to breathe silly old fire in a fight when you can jump straight up and down repeatedly? Unfortunately all the jumping in the world won’t help you much, because every time you land your opponent will be waiting there to punch you in the face. Of course the poor lizard’s arms are so short that he couldn’t possibly pick his own nose much less punch anybody, but if you’re the ogre somehow he manages to pop you every time -- and if you’re the lizard, it’ll be the ogre punching you in the face. I’m not sure that in twenty years I’ve managed to win a single one of these fights.

Using invincibility cheat codes I played through every level of this game half a dozen times and I regret to inform you that there appears to be no end. I’ve destroyed buildings, found eggs, and fought for those eggs over and over again. Every so often the volcano stage appears and I capture the golden egg, but the game doesn’t end ... you just go back to more smashing, more egg nabbing, and more fighting. By the time I stopped playing I was holding more eggs than an Easter basket, and still the game continues. Eggscrutiating!
Aaargh! lost whatever charm it had during the conversion process from the 16-bit Amiga platform to the 8-bit Commodore 64. Without the humor or detailed graphics of Rampage, Aaargh! winds up being one lizard short of a Land of the Lost reunion.

[AArdvark]

Another game I never 'got'. It's supposed to be an adventure / puzzle game but being stuck in the same three rooms is neither adventurous or puzzling. It's frustrating enough to yank the 5-1/4 out of the drive and flip it like a Frisbee into the
circular file. Which I did. relenting a couple days later, I tried it again,with the same results. I've even tried it on my PC with an emulator and nothing has changed.

[Flack]

Sounds vaguely familiar, but I can place it -- I'll have to put it on my trial list.

Two other "bad" ones I'm writing up are Transformers and Aztec.

[Flack]

next up for super-suck is Skool Daze

I don't think I ever heard of the Spectrum ZX until I got on the Internet and found all these people arguing over which machine was better, the C64 or the Spectrum. Seriously? Like I said, I never used a Spectrum so all I can go off of are screen shots.


Way of the Exploding Fist for the Spectrum


Way of the Exploding Fist for the C64

I must be missing something here.


The Last Ninja 2 for the Spectrum


The Last Ninja 2 for the C64

So why am I bringing this up? I'll tell you why. Because there were some games that were developed on the Spectrum FIRST, and I guess developers decided that if the game was going to suck on the Spectrum, then it would be okay to release a sucky game on the Commodore.


Head over Heels for the Spectrum


Head over Heels for the C64

Now like I said, as a kid in Oklahoma I had never heard of the Spectrum computer, which apparently was much more popular across the pond. All I knew was, here are these games with terrible colors and weird outlined graphics and I HATE THEM SO MUCH. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered the Spectrum that I can now say THANKS A LOT FOR PORTING YOUR CRAPPY GAMES OVER TO OUR YUMMY SYSTEM YOU CRAPTASTIC COMPUTER JERKS!

Wow, look -- the Spectrum has a "high color mode"!



Wow, that looks so much better than hi-rez mode on the C64 ...



Please.

So anyway to bring this full circle, here's Skool Daze on the Spectrum.



And now you know why it looks so terrible on the C64.

[Flack]

Again, a rough draft.

---

Transformers: More than Meets the Eye
Denton Designs/Ocean Software (1985)

1984 marked the debut of Hasbro’s Transformers, intelligent robots that could transform at will from robots into a number of different machines. Originally, good Transformers (the Autobots) converted into wheel-based vehicles while evil Transformers (Decepticons) changed into flying jets and airplanes, but before long Autobots and Decepticons were converting into everything from boom boxes and cassette tapes to giant guns and dinosaurs. The Transformers were a huge success, which exploded into public consciousness simultaneously through comic books, television cartoons and a successful line of transforming toys. Riding the wave of Transformer-mania, Denton Designs developed the first official Transformers video game in 1985, and the game was published by Ocean Software shortly thereafter.

The object of Transformers is to find and collect the four pieces of the Autobot Energon Cube and return them to the Autobot Center. Nothing in the documentation or the game itself actually explains what exactly Energon cubes are or why you must perform this task, so unless you read a lot of Transformer comic books as a kid or actually paid attention during the 2007 Transformers movie, you probably won’t know either. For what it’s worth, it doesn’t matter all that much -- just do what you’re told, robot.

To accomplish this task, players can control one of the “five remaining Autobotsâ€￾: Optimus Prime, Hound, Jazz, Mirage and Bumblebee. Those familiar with the Transformers license probably recognize some or all of those names. Each Autobot has slightly different levels of shields, firepower and strength, but the differences are so slight as to be negligible in terms of game play. Instead, think of it as having five lives. Each Autobot can only die once, and the game ends after all Autobots have been destroyed. Be sure not to blink, or you could miss the whole thing.

Unlike how the Transformers have been portrayed in comic books, cartoons and movies, the Autobots in this game appear to have been made from some combination of delicate china and nitroglycerin. Forget those movie scenes of Transformers fighting, leaping and smashing things in their way; these 8-bit look-alikes break easier than your average Go-Bot from the dollar store. The playfield consists of multiple screens worth of ramps, stairs, and platforms, and the game scrolls (quickly) in every direction. If you touch a playform while flying, you will explode and die. If you drive into a wall, you will explode and die. If you touch any of the barrels or pillars that make up the background, you will explode and die. If you land on a sloped platform, you will explode and die. If Optimus Prime, the most powerful Autobot in the history of the universe, stands on a slightly sloped platform and jumps one inch, upon landing he will explode and die. It seems to me that the Autobot manufacturing plant has some serious, serious quality control issues that need to be addressed. The Autobots need to spend a little less time looking for Energon Cubes and a little more time investing in duct tape.

While searching for Energon Cubes you must also constantly fend off attacks from the Decepticons, including Megatron, Soundwave, Starscream, Buzzsaw, Skywarp, Lazerbreak, Ravage, Frenzy, and Rumble, all of which are contructed not of antique egg shells such as yourself, but rather using traditional metals. Considering the fact that you can only control one Autobot at a time, that’s nine-to-one odds -- fortunately, you’ll only have typically two or three Decepticons shooting at or smashing into you at any given time. The manual states “the Decepticons have perfected ROBO-CLONING, reproducing any of their number which you destroy,â€￾ which is a nice way of saying that no matter how many times you kill them, they’ll keep coming.

Each player-controlled Autobot can transform (thus the name) between his robot and vehicular form. For what it’s worth, the in-game representation of the characters actually resembles their cartoon counterparts. Optimus Prime looks like a semi truck, Mirage resembles a Formula One race car, and so on. In their robotic forms, Autobots can run, fly and shoot. Each Autobot has a limited amount of shots, which can be replenished by hiding under a Defensa-Pod. You or I might call them garages, but the game refers to them as Defensa-Pods. A Defensa-Pod is like a garage except ... well, there is no difference. In fact, I’m going to start referring to my three-car garage as a three Transformer Defensa-Pod, which I’m pretty sure will raise my property value. I should point out that the documentation also states that “the length of the conflict has increased the level of radiation on the planet’s surface and the Autobots cannot survive in close proximity to each other. To operate one, you must shield the others beneath the Defensa-Pods.â€￾ I wish they had just said, “you can only operate one Transformer at a time,â€￾ because now I’m left wondering things like why the radiation levels don’t affect the Decepticons, or more importantly, if the radiation levels on the planet’s surface are too high for freaking robots, how are the Earthlings faring??

You can also zip around the playfield in your Transformer’s vehicular mode. To put this in perspective, imagine how useful a car would be in Super Mario Brothers that can’t jump and explodes every time you touch something -- yeah, exactly. If you thought your Autobot was hard to control while running or flying, try it on wheels (they move three times as fast while on all fours). You honestly cannot drive three seconds in any direction without exploding, you can no longer shoot, and touching basically anything or driving off the end of a platform (you guessed it) makes you explode.

To transform, you must turn and face the screen and then press simultaneously press either up and the fire button, or down and the fire button. If you press up or down without hitting the fire button at the same time, the cursor jumps down to the menu system, where you can pick a different Autobot. Note that you would NEVER WANT TO DO THIS as the Autobot you were just controlling is now standing there staring at you while the Decepticons continue shooting you in the face. Yes, the game DOES NOT PAUSE when you jump to the menu. WHAT A GREAT FEATURE! Hopefully you will be able to quickly pick the same Autobot and resume play before the Decepticons send your fragile robot ass off to Autobot Heaven.

In issue 36 of Crash Magazine, Steve Cain of Denton Designs said that Transformers “was the worst game [Denton Designs] ever did. I designed it, so I take all the blame for it.â€￾ When Denton Designs co-founder Ally Noble was asked which game she was least pleased with, she said “definitely Transformers,â€￾ following with “I think Transformers was an embarrassment. We were a bit over a barrel and we had to do it.â€￾ Fellow co-founder John Gibson added, “There wasn’t much you could do with the subject matter of the program. We did our best.â€￾

As one of my ex-girlfriends once told me, “Sometimes your best just isn’t enough.â€￾

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

GAAHahahaha. Brilliantly done. That crackles, and that is the best description on what the hell Transformers were that I've ever read. I am a FAN!

[AArdvark]

[youtube][/youtube]



that hastobenumberoneof suck