ICJ vs The Chess

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:37 pm

Hello! I recently grabbed a free chess program from my phone. I have set the intelligence to be 1/100. I will be posting my wins because they are so rare.

[Event "?"]
[Site "?"]
[Date "Aug 12, 2009"]
[Round "?"]
[White "Me"]
[Black "Abaia"]
[Result "1-0"]

1. g4 d5
2. Nf3 Bxg4
3. h3 Bxf3
4. exf3 Nf6
5. h4 Nc6
6. Bh3 e6
7. O-O Kd7
8. Nc3 Bd6
9. Re1 Kc8
10. b4 d4
11. Ne2 Bxb4
12. a3 Be7
13. Bb2 Kb8
14. c3 d3
15. Nd4 Nxd4
16. cxd4 Nd5
17. Bc3 Bxh4
18. Re4 Qg5+
19. Rg4 Nxc3
20. Rxg5 Nxd1
21. Rxg7 Nxf2
22. Kg2 Nxh3
23. Kxh3 Bf6
24. Rag1 Bxd4
25. Rg8+ Rxg8
26. Rxg8#

1-0

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:48 am

Pinback: g4!!! AHHAhaha
Pinback: You had me at g4.

ICJ: Why is that funny.

Note - ICJ looks up "bad opening chess movies" on Google.

ICJ: 'No stats as 1. g4 occurs rarely among serious chess players.'

ICJ: Well .... sheeeeeeee-it.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 7:11 pm

After the computer beat me in six moves last night, I was determined to make him suffer.

Not really. I honestly couldn't think of a way to beat him any faster than this. It includes two pawn promotions to queen. I was white. It took 20 minutes to play and I had to charge my phone afterwards.

1. d4 d5
2. c4 c6
3. Bf4 Nf6
4. e3 e6
5. Nc3 Nbd7
6. Nf3 Be7
7. h4 O-O
8. Bd3 Ng4
9. cxd5 cxd5
10. h5 Qa5
11. a3 Re8
12. h6 Nxh6
13. Bxh6 gxh6
14. Rxh6 Nf6
15. b4 Qc7
16. Qc1 Bd7
17. Ra2 e5
18. Nxe5 Ne4
19. Rc2 Rec8
20. Nxd5 Bxb4+
21. Ke2 Bxa3
22. Qxa3 Nc3+
23. Qxc3 a5
24. Qa3 f5
25. Rf6 Qb6
26. Qf8+ Rxf8
27. Rxf8+ Kg7
28. Rxa8 Qb3
29. Rc1 Qa2+
30. Rc2 Qb3
31. Rxa5 b6
32. Ra6 Qxd5
33. e4 Qc6
34. Nxc6 fxe4
35. Bxe4 b5
36. Rb2 Bg4+
37. Kf1 Be6
38. Ne7 Kf6
39. Ng8+ Kf7
40. Nh6+ Ke7
41. Rxe6+ Kxe6
42. Rxb5 Ke7
43. Rb6 Kd7
44. Nf7 Kc7
45. Rb5 Kd7
46. d5 h5
47. Rb7+ Kc8
48. Ra7 h4
49. d6 Kb8
50. Ra1 Kc8
51. g3 h3
52. Kg1 Kd7
53. Ra6 Ke6
54. Ng5+ Ke5
55. d7 Kd4
56. d8=Q+ Kc3
57. Qc8+ Kd4
58. Bc2 h2+
59. Kxh2 Kd5
60. Qd8+ Kc4
61. Ra4+ Kc3
62. Ra3+ Kb4
63. Ra1 Kc5
64. Bb3 Kb4
65. Bd5 Kc5
66. Bf7 Kb4
67. f4 Kc5
68. f5 Kb4
69. f6 Kc5
70. Be6 Kb5
71. f7 Kc5
72. f8=Q+ Kb5
73. Qc8 Kb6
74. Qfd8+ Kb5
75. Qb8+ Kc6
76. Rc1#

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 8:25 pm

Still on 1/100?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:40 pm

Yes.

If I beat him three times in a row, I'll go to 2/100.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 1:45 pm

Wouldn't it be weird if your phone starts calling Bobby Fischer while you sleep at night?

MA BELL
IS CREEPING ME OUT
AARDVARK

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 2:09 pm

Yes.

Also, I found out about the defensive fortress last night.

I also found out that - all this time - I had no idea what stalemate really meant. I thought it was a situation where, like, there were two kings left on the board, so checking each other wasn't possible. Not so! In a game last night, I had promoted a couple queens and had a bishop and rook. I was trying to box his king in. I got him to where he wasn't IN check, but couldn't move. I always thought that meant that I won. But it doesn't, it means that the game's a goddamn stalemate. What horseshit!

I have a The Chess question.

Last night, the iPhone promoted a pawn. It chose a knight instead of a queen. Is that common? Do people do that? It never occurred to me to choose anything other than a queen.

I have another question about The Chess

What happens, in a real game, when someone promotes a pawn to a queen, and their other queen is already in the game? Do chess sets come with multiple pieces? I mean, if this were at home, I'd just grab a heroclix or something, but I can't imagine Howard Staunton having to rummage through his wallet to find a two pence piece or something and saying, "that's a queen" and his opponent, being Russian or something, retorting, "doesn't look like a queen," and then a fight breaking out because the gender of the woman on the chess piece is in question.

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 2:09 pm

I wish I had the same chess game as you so we could compare notes. I played a lot of chess as a kid and I fall into that gray area of "I can beat almost anyone who doesn't play regularly" and "anyone who plays regularly or knows chess strategies can beat me".

I'm kind of the same way with Kung Fu, except replace "doesn't play regularly" with "handicapped".

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 4:54 pm

The knights are kinda like another useful household tool: The toilet snake. Good for getting into places not otherwise accessible. Think of them as the roto-rooters of the chessboard.

I believe a player can only promote whatever chess pieces are off the board. This could be wrong.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 6:37 pm

Flack wrote:I wish I had the same chess game as you so we could compare notes. I played a lot of chess as a kid and I fall into that gray area of "I can beat almost anyone who doesn't play regularly" and "anyone who plays regularly or knows chess strategies can beat me".

Yeah, the one I have been using is Abaia, for the iPhone. I think Abaia is directly translated from the latin idiot gaybo whom forgets bishop attack lines.

I feel that I would best be matched up with:

- Mobile computers with processors less than 300 mHz, and a five second move limit. (Sadly, this is true. I have the computer set to move after five seconds, using 1/100th of its brain power, and I am losing 3 out of every 4 matches.)

- Your post reminds me that, yes, handicapped people, who would require me to move their dudes for them, and be unable to attack if their orders got lost in the translation, would qualify. (Both the chess form of "attack" and non-chess form of "attack" apply here.)

- My brother.

- A PCjr.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 6:40 pm

Also, I will state that when I start off by moving d4, NOTHING enrages me so quickly (and briefly... I'm not crazy or anything) than the computer countering with d5. I really hate that. I started two games over when it's pulled that shit yesterday. Which makes me an le infant terrible for Moron Chess*, but I don't care.

*if I could rename apps on the phone, Abaia would be renamed "Moron Chess." Not because it is a moron. But becau-- etc

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 6:48 pm

Also, I found out that some chess sets include an extra queen, and sometimes an upside-down rook is used, for pawn promotion.

ALSO, apparently, the queen used to be a shitty piece. Her ability to attack in eight directions was a relatively new development. However:

In the game shatranj, an ancestor of chess, the queen was a fairly weak piece called a fers or vizier, only able to move or capture one square in a diagonal direction similar to a pawn.

Seriously, how much did old people hate women? I think that learning how to play chess before becoming a teenager was the one thing that led me to have an unyielding respect for women. Chess is the least sexist game of all-time, and I'm glad my father taught it to me when he did. Because, Jesus Christ - apparently, the queen in the game shatranj can only attack one other piece (the pillow) and do so in one manner (via biting).

Grocer · Post by **Grocer** » Mon Oct 12, 2009 9:05 am

Jonsey, how about a nice game of chess?

1. D4

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Oct 12, 2009 11:19 pm

Grocer wrote:Jonsey, how about a nice game of chess?

1. D4

d5.

Audience: laughs

Scratch that! I called out Moron Chess for making that exact move all the goddamn time. My fingers never left the keyboard, Grocer! I'm putting it back! They never left the keyboard!

Before we play I want to make sure that you're okay with me writing a couple paragraphs of nonsense before making my move. The goal is to annoy you to the point where you abandon the game as - unless you're secretly a PCjr - I've got no shot here.

My official first move is...

Nc6

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:49 pm

Hahaha! I'm winning!

ChainGangGuy · Post by **ChainGangGuy** » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:05 am

Paper or plastic, Grocer? I only ask because this one's in the bag for ole Jonsey!

Grocer · Post by **Grocer** » Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:24 am

1) I insist on the rambling comments!
2) Plastic - I need the bags for cleaning my cat's litter box.
3) Nf3

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:11 pm

Grocer wrote:3) Nf3

You lost me.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:12 pm

IN ACTUALITY, I gotta get my phone out and bring up Moron Chess and put the game together so I don't attempt to move someone off one side of the board and onto the other, Asteroids-style. One sec, Grocer!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:06 pm

Q: Hey A, how's it going buddy??
A: It's goin' great! But - a chess thread! So much limelight! I'm scared!

Q: Relax pal. Watch this. What's the worst tv station in the world?
A: g4. B-but -- oh!

Q: Not bad, eh?
A: Not bad at all, Q!