The StarCraft Files

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Pinback: How about a little StarCraft!
ICJ: You bet.

10:21 PM

Pinback: 3 minute pee break!
ICJ: It will help me take my mind off things. I'm gonna get a nice, big, glass of Cry-- I - okay??
Pinback: 3 minute pee/Cry break.
Pinback: "Big Glass of Cry" is the name of my upcoming book, BTW.

10:25 PM

Pinback: Y'all set?
Pinback: Real friendly game, like last time.
Pinback: More just to move the chat into something with more blinking lights and stuff.

ICJ: I fucking love Eggos
ICJ: Even the knock-off ones that are like $0.89 a box, with the box featuring some unspecific, dystopian non-fruit embedded inside, instead of letting themselves get nailed down with an expectation of raspberries or something.
ICJ: Yeah, lemme get it loaded up
ICJ: It wants the fucking disc in the drive?
ICJ: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

(ICJ puts the disc in the drive and plays StarCraft with Pinback. Pinback wins.
(Much later...)


ICJ: I tried to save my game so I could figure out my APM [ICJ's note: actions per minute], but it wouldn't let me save again.
Pinback: I think it auto-saves "last replay".

Pinback: Here, I'll load it up, see where we're at.

ICJ: Also, my APM went down because of the last 5 minutes, where I made zero "actions."

Pinback: here we go
ICJ: "Excellent... excellent!" -- Mister Burke
Pinback: icecreamjonsey comes in with an average of...
Pinback: 21 APM.
ICJ: I had 17 last time!

Pinback: moltobenny clocks in with an earthshattering...
Pinback: 39 apm
ICJ: You had 32 last game!


Pinback: Your APM maxed out at...47
ICJ: Whoa!
ICJ: I bet that was an uncanny minute!

Pinback: And I had a brilliant moment of...
Pinback: 73.
ICJ: Jesus!


Pinback: Your last minute does seem to be relatively carefree.
ICJ: I was soaking in the ambiance, as well as some facial moisturizer.
ICJ: Holes in both my marines and my nice, clean pores

Pinback: This program is cool because, assembly-like, it lists every single action anyone took.
Pinback: My first action was:
Pinback: CHAT: "YES"
Pinback: My second was:
Pinback: SELECT: "SCV"

ICJ: What was mine???!
Pinback: SELECT: "Command Center"
ICJ: That doesn't sound like something I would do.

ICJ: I'd guess my APM went down when the Eggo discussion started in-game, but that is a scan for another day.
Pinback: Your APM's down, but your EPM IS THROUGH THE ROOF!

[AArdvark]

I never knew that there were fake...er, off brand Eggos.

with real unidentified fruit hunks.


THE
ALDI
AARDVARK

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

You take what you can get out here.

It is my determination that StarCraft is:

1) Great at being a good game
2) TERRIBUHHH at being a great game

[Bullshit Cowboy]

YEEEEHAW! It's the BULLSHIT COWBOY here with ya, pointin' out all the latest BULLSHIT! HOoooOOoo-doggies!

Well, pardner, looks like the latest BULLSHIT is Jonsey making "determinations" about a game that he has never played, other than a couple online games with Pinback and/or CGG, during which he freely admits he has no idea what to click on or what any of the units do, because he hasn't read any documentation or played through any of the scenarios and wouldn't know a goddamned science vessel from a CINNABON-BRAND CINNAMON ROLL.

Booooy howdy, that sure sounds like a big TEXAS-SIZE STEAMIN' PILE OF BULLSHIT TO ME!!

YEEEEEEHAWWW!!!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I'd like to open this up to the field.

Playing StarCraft last night, I noticed that Pinner had about 20 guys who are sitting on the planet's (moon's?) surface.

One of the things I could create was a TANK.

Did the tank in StarCraft:

A) Let me run over his fucking marines, squishing them to death, causing bits of blood, brain and oxygen tanks to spray out over the field of play

or

B) Impotently occupy the same space as the marines, while they endlessly shot at it with bullets, quickly destroying it all while the tank driver - I'm pretty sure! - apologized for being in the enemy's way

The answer was B! Of course the tank in StarCraft can't run people over! It was a fucking palette swap from some equivalent unit in Warcraft, and that couldn't run over people either.

Remember, kids! Just because you set your NEW REAL-TIME STRATEGY game in space instead of in a Tolkeinesque fantasy land, it does not mean you or any of your fellow designers need to have a meeting where you answer the question as to what might be different, being in, y'know, fucking outer space.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Along the same lines, Blizzard could set StarCraft II in Hell, or have a Hell-themed level, and the Firebats would work exactly the same way. In fact, fanboys would get angry if anyone brought up how fucking stupid it is to have flame hurt people there. The guy stating the lack of clothes on the emperor would be the one with the issue.

[AArdvark]

I always thought it was dumb for a particular vessel to be unable to attack another particular vessel.

Like tanks cannot attack air units

[SC-aholic Detector 3600]

I always thought it was dumb for a particular vessel to be unable to attack another particular vessel.

Like tanks cannot attack air units

U R A STARCRAFTAHOLIC

[AArdvark]

Now that's way off the mark. SC isn't even on my radar.



THE
IN DENIAL
AARDVARK

[Bullshit Cowboy]

BULLSHIT!

Y'all seem to be puttin' down ol' StarCraft here because it's not... realistic??

Woooohoo! That sure do make this cowpoke just rear back and laugh his consarned fool head off!

Why, there prob'ly ain't no "vespene gas extrusions" on no space platforms neither! Heck, there probably ain't even no space platforms! You could pick the darned game apart for days for not bein' realistic enough! Shoot!

Now, I'm gonna tucker down into this bowl of chili here, but before I do, lemme just tell ya this, pardners!

BULL FUCKING SHIT.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

It's not a realism thing, Bullshit Cowboy.

The game doesn't allow you any ingenuity. The only way to play it is to memorize the arbitrary ruleset. You're not going to do any on-the-go problem solving and solve problems organically. Not in StarCraft you're not.

[Bullshit Cowboy]

The only way to play it is to memorize the arbitrary ruleset.

Well, like most strategy/tactical games, you... yeah, you're gonna wanna know the rules. What about chess? How does any crap you're saying not also apply to the most cherished strategic/tactical game in Western history??

You're not going to do any on-the-go problem solving and solve problems organically. Not in StarCraft you're not.

No, YOU'RE not, because you have no idea how to play. And I'M not, because even though I've learned to scout, I still have no idea how to put that information to good use. It is a game, like all great games, that gets deeper the more you learn about it.

But you have no idea how to FUCKING PLAY, so your opinions are BULLSHIT.

Oh yeah. Pardner and yeehaw and whatever the fuck. Fuck you.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

How's this for a thing? I played Pinback tonight, and he said he wouldn't make anything other than zergs.

Zergs can't shoot the "Wraith" ship!

So all I had to do was crank those out and I'd win. Well, no. You have to have one worker and one building alive, or else you get eliminated. Guess what I got?

[AArdvark]

I think all units should be able to attack all other units, just have more damage inflicted on the ships/creatures they are able to fight best. Blizzard programmers should log in here and only here for the best gameplay suggestions. Blizzard programmers need people like bullshit cowboy to keep them focused on what makes a good game versus a great game.

SCV vs. Protoss carrier. Who can say who will win?



THE
EVERYBODY FIGHTS
NOBODY RUNS
AARDVARK

-Michael ironside in Starship Troopers

[scgg]

Congrats to icj & pin for taking down computer protoss army in 2v1 game.

gg boys

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Well, I guess the Starcraft II beta is out.

Here is Ben's Starcraft II site.

I still maintain that everything I said in this thread was correct. Can't believe tanks won't run over guys. Did I make a "the tank was Chinese" joke?

/reads thread

Who made the tanks in this game too much of a pussy to run guys over? THE CHINESE?