Grilling

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:39 pm

So, I have this awesome grill. I had a shitty grill that I got as a wedding present (I think) and I never used it because it was this dinky little thing. Eventually it broke and I didn't have a grill for a while and then I went to Lowe's and discovered that, for $200, you can buy a really, really kick ass grill. So I bought one a year or two ago. The main area has 3 burners, then there's a second area with one burner, and a side burner where you can saute mushrooms or something.

So, here's the thing. I'm not really good at grilling. I've done hamburgers and hot dogs and that's about it. I did steaks once and chicken once but both times I was scared that I was either under cooking or over cooking everything.

How does one get "good" at grilling stuff??

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Thu Jul 07, 2011 6:01 pm

Flack wrote:How does one get "good" at grilling stuff??

Start with a child.

FUCK.

FUCK.

I mean, start as a child.

Sure I do.

Bruce

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:25 pm

I hope that by what I am about to tell you, it does not "ruin" things.

My girlfriend took me to a cooking class for Christmas. We learned a great deal about grilling steak, and drinking scotch. It was one of those evenings where we all felt smarter for having done it. You don't know how hard it is to convince people I deserve the best things in life to continue to happen to me without even rudimentary effort on my part.

For two hours or so we got quite an education, made all the better by how tough I am. To weak men - to sissies, babies and human chum - scotch can smell like band-aids. That is not a thing that ever occurred to me, on account of what a badass and unbreakable I am. Until recently I was only vaguely aware that they are the color of white people, to be honest.

I don't want to get Houdinied at the next meetup, so let me leave you with this Flack: all that time, all that money spent, all that education received, and tonight I threw a t-bone steak into a cold oven, put it on pre-heat at 450 for 8 minutes, took it out and ate it mostly raw.

All men, no matter how much we learn about grilling, will eventually in their darkest moments do the same.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 5:49 am

a class on how to drink scotch? Grilling I can understand, but drinking scotch?

I am picturing an instructor in a tuxedo...no, wait, A KILT! Yeah, a kilt and one of those tam O shanter hat things. Dats the ticket.. With a heavy burr. He's standing in front of a bar with a line of nine bottles. As you read the labels, the farther to the right you go the more unpronounceable the words become.

Leftmost bottle:

'Old MacPherson has a still; Aye hee Aye hee hoo'

Next bottle reads:

'Glennnfiddish ar mackenna Blrrrrgh Whisky'

and so on...

Anyway, I had fun with this which I desperately needed.

Grilling tip.. of the day Mangrates

THE
BALANCED
AARDVARK

The Happiness Engine · Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:29 am

First of all, buy yourself a good thermometer. All that bullshit about cooking will never reliably get you exactly where you want. Here's some probably not helpful advice http://www.seriouseats.com/2011/05/tips ... meat-.html

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:50 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:My girlfriend took me to a cooking class for Christmas. We learned a great deal about grilling steak, and drinking scotch.

I attended a class about drinking whiskey when I was 8. It was called "Daddy left the whiskey bottle out," and it was taught by the school of hard knocks. Heartburn and vomiting were there, too.

For the record, my dad's idea of cough syrup was a combination of whiskey and honey. The ratio was determined either by the seriousness of the cough, or how much honey we happened to have on hand. I'm not quite sure. I'm pretty sure this changed around the time my parents caught me faking a cough just to get some more sizzurp.

For as drug free as I've been, I do have one particularly embarrassing story that involves drinking codeine cough syrup for pleasure. I'd do it again, if my parole officer allowed it.

Jesus Christ, did this thing derail in a hurry. 180, yo!

I just downloaded "Grilling- Cool Food for Hot Days," and the first thing it suggests is getting a good thermometer. I think you're on to something, T.H.E.!

I'll be checking out those tips after I click save. It's Friday, right? I'll definitely grill something this weekend and post the results here.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 11:21 am

I be grillin' things proper, and I don't got no god damned THERMO-meter.

You have to understand the concept. Okay? The concept of grilling? A lot of people think grilling means, slap some meat up ons, wait a few minutes, flip it, wait a few more minutes, and done. These people are retards. RETARDED retards.

Look, the idea behind grilling is this:

Blast that shit on high for a couple minutes to get the nice grill marks and all of the delicious carcinogenic matter that they are made from. Then? THEN? Then turn the heat down, close the fucking lid, and wait for it to be cooked enough for your tastes.

Alright? BLAST THAT SHIT, then just chill the fuck out and let it finish. Nothing will be burned, nothing will be undercooked, and you're the fucking KLING KLANG KING of the RIM RAM ROOM, you got that?

YOU GOT THAT?

Got it?

Good.

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:00 pm

I guess it's that whole "cook it long enough" part I'm having trouble with. I don't know how long to cook stuff for, and most people don't seem to have a big chart or a digital clock (I've contemplated putting both near the grill) to know such things.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:32 pm

I usually crank the grill up to 'blast furnace' in order to clean the leavings from the last cookout off'n the grate. This does double duty as it makes the nice aforementioned grill marks on the meat. The outsides should be slightly crunchy from the searing and the innards come out perfect. It's all practice anyway.

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 3:47 pm

I downloaded "Grilling for Dummies" and it doesn't even tell you how to properly grill a hamburger. It assumes that anyone with a grill already knows that.

The Happiness Engine · Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:16 pm

A fun alternate is cook your food as long and slow as possible, THEN toss that bitch into a cast iron pan you have gotten as hot as possible to sear a nice crust onto it.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 8:16 pm

pinback wrote:You have to understand the concept. Okay? The concept of grilling? A lot of people think grilling means, slap some meat up ons, wait a few minutes, flip it, wait a few more minutes, and done. These people are retards. RETARDED retards.

Are professional chefs having this same conversation because we don't put the meat in an oven after we grill it? Because they do that.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Jul 11, 2011 12:24 pm

Turning it to low and covering it after grilling on high is the same as grilling/searing it on the top of the stove and then "finishing it" in the oven, which is definitely something you should do, and is definitely something nobody here does.

The Happiness Engine · Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:50 am

I love every article in this series, because it explores the science behind how food works.
http://www.seriouseats.com/2011/03/the- ... teaks.html

Tdarcos · Post by **Tdarcos** » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:41 am

bruce wrote:
Flack wrote:How does one get "good" at grilling stuff??
Start with a child.

Actually, Jonathan Swift ("Gulliver's Travels"), more than 100 years ago, did that for his essay, "A Modest Proposal," in which he "suggested" that Irish babies be fattened up and used to feed the starving in England, which also would help to reduce the overcrowding in Ireland too.

Swift's "problem" was that rather than realize it was satire, people took him seriously and were outraged.

Tdarcos · Post by **Tdarcos** » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:48 am

AArdvark wrote:a class on how to drink scotch? Grilling I can understand, but drinking scotch?

Someone once said that one of the greatest things we can do for our kids is to teach them how to drink properly. By this, I presume teach them how to nurse a drink, not to drink too much at once, and to know to quit when you've had enough.

I wish my parents had taught me how to eat properly, given the above provisions. I might not be 200 pounds overweight now, and in a wheelchair.

I guess I can thank my lucky stars that all forms of alcoholic beverage taste terrible to me, as a result I've been a life-long teetotaler. Even Rum Cake tastes terrible.

Tdarcos · Post by **Tdarcos** » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:51 am

AArdvark wrote:a class on how to drink scotch? Grilling I can understand, but drinking scotch?

I am picturing an instructor in a tuxedo...no, wait, A KILT! Yeah, a kilt and one of those tam O shanter hat things.

Funny you should mention him, I am doing a whole comic series where the lead character's name is Tam O'Shanter. He even runs a company to operate his affairs, the company's name is "Retnahs O Mat, Inc."

Tdarcos · Post by **Tdarcos** » Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:00 am

pinback wrote:I be grillin' things proper, and I don't got no god damned THERMO-meter.

You have to understand the concept. Okay? The concept of grilling? A lot of people think grilling means, slap some meat up ons, wait a few minutes, flip it, wait a few more minutes, and done. These people are retards. RETARDED retards.

Please do not refer to ME as a retard, Pinhead.

On an electric grill, this is about the only way you can cook something. And as far as I'm concerned it's perfectly fine. You take ordinary hamburger meat, compress it down to no more than 1/8 or about 1/4 inch, run it on the 350 degree grill for 2-3 minutes, turn it over and do the same (putting on cheese at that time if desired) and you get perfectly cooked medium hamburgers. Make them thicker like I used to (from my video you saw) and you get medium rare.

If a man in a wheelchair who has problems using his right hand can do this, anyone can.

It always cooks properly, never burns the meat, you can brown the buns on the grill the same way, and it works very nicely. Also, because the grill surface is non-stick, all you do is once the grill is cool, squirt some liquid soap, take a slightly abrasive scrub sponge, or even a Shop Towel, get it wet with hot water and wipe down the grill. And it's as clean as the day I bought it.

I have found it is almost as easy to cook something on my electric grill as it is to use the microwave. Sometimes it's easier; making an omelette on a grill is far easier than in a microwave, even with the microwave omlette cooking tools.

Tdarcos · Post by **Tdarcos** » Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:12 am

Flack wrote:I guess it's that whole "cook it long enough" part I'm having trouble with. I don't know how long to cook stuff for, and most people don't seem to have a big chart or a digital clock (I've contemplated putting both near the grill) to know such things.

I just use the time off the microwave myself. I usually make double cheesburgers (or double hamburgers when I run out of cheese), so I will look at the time on the microwave once I've put 4 pieces of meat on the grill. If it says 1:14 then at 1:17 or so, I'll turn the meat over, then watch for 1:20.

The nice thing about an electric grill is all I have to worry about is that the grill looks clean when I start. Turn the grill on to 350 degrees, and it doesn't matter if it was loaded with salmonella and E-Coli, it ain't gonna live long. Plus I always cook my meat immediately. When I take hamburger out of the refrigerator, it's only out for about 2 minutes, so I'm frying it while it's cold.

This is probably why I've never had problems, even when I've eaten raw hamburger (I love raw hamburger, I used to eat it when I was a kid; I grossed out one of the guys staying here by eating a chunk of hamburger - fist sized - right out of the package.) Because it's not sitting out, I'm always handling it cold, not at room temperature. I never thaw hamburger by leaving it out, I'll take it out of the freezer at least 24 hours before I need it, and thaw it in the refrigerator. Works fine, and thus the meat never gets any warmer than 35 degrees.

Tdarcos · Post by **Tdarcos** » Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:19 am

Flack wrote:I guess it's that whole "cook it long enough" part I'm having trouble with. I don't know how long to cook stuff for, and most people don't seem to have a big chart or a digital clock (I've contemplated putting both near the grill) to know such things.

Flack, if you have a dollar store near your home, you can buy a watch for $1. Including batteries, and it will have a seconds timer if you want to follow it. I have one hanging on my lanyard so I don't have to look for my cell phone when I want to know what time it is.

I presume you have a cell phone. Check your controls and you'll find some sort of alarm clock; you can set it for whatever you want, even if it's only two to five minutes. Even the cheap $10 phones I buy from 7-11 for use on TracFone's network have an alarm clock function, even if you haven't enabled the phone. (The ones not from Samsung - they use a proprietary charge connector - are useful if you need to replace a plug-in cell-phone charger, as one will be included and they all (except Samsung, again) use the sub-sub-mini USB connector. A replacement charger will cost more than $10.)

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