Comments about Indian Mash

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Here I will review three different brands of INDIAN MASH. For those who do not know what that is, which is pretty much everything, INDIAN MASH means FROZEN CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA. CTM, while not "technically" Indian food, is Indian food, and it comes in many frozen varieties. Here are three!

TANDOOR CHEF BRAND: Originally, this came with "cumin rice". Then they did away with the rice, which was the right answer, because it made room for more MASH, and let me tell you, this is by far not only the greatest frozen INDIAN MASH available, it is also the greatest single food item in your grocery store. The only two problems are, 1) it isn't actually in your store, because your (and my) store sucks, and 2) they decided to put the rice back in there. BASTARDS. Anyway, other than these very significant problems, it's the best thing ever, the perfect mixture of tender chicken and rich, aromatic, delicately-spiced sauce you'll ever find. It's SO good, in fact, that it rivals, and in a shocking number of instances, SURPASSES the CTM you can get at an actual, real-life Indian restaurant. God DAMMIT why isn't it more available. God dammit.

ETHNIC GOURMET BRAND: Now, this one you CAN find in pretty much every store in the land, which makes sense, because it is so godawful that all you end up doing is staring down at your plastic plate going, "how could anyone consider this 'food'?" This is "Chicken Tikka Masala" in a spacetime continuum where "tikka masala" translates to "flavorless, mushy paste which is terrible". It's an affront not only to CTM, but to food itself, and let's face it, to you and your whole family. It does create an interesting situation where if you're in the right store, and it's right next to Tandoor Chef Brand, you can honestly state that you are looking at both the best and worst thing in the entire store at the same time.

TRADER JOE'S BRAND: Not everyone has access to a Trader Joe's, but if you do, you can feel confident that upon purchasing, heating, and eating this brand of INDIAN MASH, you will most definitely think, "Huh, not bad, but I still miss Tandoor Chef brand." I would call it barely passable if you were in a restaurant, but you're not. You're cooking shit in a microwave that you got out of the freezer, and under those circumstances, if that is the option you have chosen, and if you needed a CTM fix, I believe you could call this product "acceptable".

This is my opinion of these products!!!!!!!

[ChainGangGuy]

Curry Expert, is that you?

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No, but that bitch AGREES WITH ME.

[Tdarcos]

ETHNIC GOURMET BRAND: Now, this one you CAN find in pretty much every store in the land, which makes sense, because it is so godawful that all you end up doing is staring down at your plastic plate going, "how could anyone consider this 'food'?"

Have you ever went over a friends house to eat
And the food just ain't no good?
I mean the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed,
And the chicken tastes like wood.
So you try to play it off, like you think you can,
By sayin' that you're full.
And then your friend says "Momma he's just being polite,
He ain't finished, uh uh that's bull."
So your heart starts pumpin' and you think of a lie
And you say that you already ate.
And your friend says "Man there's plenty of food,"
So you pile some more on your plate.
While the stinky food's steamin' your mind starts to dreamin'
Of the moment that it's time to leave
And then you look at your plate and your chicken's slowly rottin'
Into something that looks like cheese...
Oh so you say "That's it! I got to leave this place,
I dont care what these people think.
I'm just sittin' here makin' myself nauseous
With this ugly food that stinks!"
So you bust out the door while its still closed
Still sick from the food you ate
And then you run to the store for quick relief
From a bottle of Kaopectate!
- Sugar Hill Gang, Rapper's Delight