Recreating the Second Worst Pizza On Earth

[RetroRomper]

Until I became situated closer to school (and dropped a morning class), my schedule was simple: awake at 5 am, shower, dress, eat, leave. Combined with returning at around 9 pm, this left very little time for me to pack a wholesome, healthy lunch.

Barring actually planning out my meals, I discovered a Safe Way directly in my path to school and so I've been steadily working through their selection of frozen pizza, being overly critical of their fast frozen selection and contemptuous of real food until I discovered...



Celeste Pizza,"Pizza for One." Coupled with "Microwave Cooking For One" (the #1 best seller among the single, 20 - 30 male demographic), this is perhaps the most depressing cooking combination since the military ran out of surplus C rations. Regardless, after three months of chowing down I developed a dedicated palette for the highs and lows of this pizza: High - the texture and feel of the crust is second to none and though soft, there is a sort of chewyness that raises the bar above Tortino's Pizza and other such monstrosities. Low - its a microwave pizza (Warning: includes ingredients one must have a bioengineering degree to fully grasp).

But I became quite fond of this little gem. So after my life calmed down and I jumped back on the vegetarian band wagon, I started to look for healthy, vegetarian alternatives that duplicated the feel and texture of the crust and offered a higher quality set of ingredients.

After experimenting with a number of pizza stones, flavors and varieties of crust and cheeses, it actually took a midnight drinking session to accidentally stumble upon the special ingredient that made a true replacement feasible:

The Wheat Tortilla.


Pictured: Flour tortillas, slow roasted tomatos (in a refurbished Sun Dried Tomato jar), mozerella cheese, diced Monsanto Roundup Ready Tomatoes. Not Pictured: Canola Oil. Spinach.

Basically, its a compressed pizza quesadilla with fried tortillas substituted for the usual lightly baked or warmed variety. Not very imaginative, sure, but it was an inspiration at 3 am when I decided that to continue to become sloshed, I needed food in my stomach.



Step 1) Oil pan and let it warm up.

Step 2) Fry two tortillas, doing one side of each very lightly while crisping the other.

Step 3) If sauce isn't prepared, fry the diced vegetables until they lose their shape (extra credit, toss in basil, spinach, fennel, etc).



Step 4) Toss that shit onto the darkly crisped side of one of the tortillas.



Add cheese, etc, etc.



Compress the other tortilla onto the top, then fry it for maybe another ten seconds, let stand till cool enough to eat, then chomp down!



MISSION: Success!

A suitable replacement for what has become a completely inedible variety of the "sauce, cheese, on bread" variety of culinary treats.

mmmm....

[RetroRomper]

By the way, the worst Pizza on earth is "Pepe's Pizza," located near the University of California at Berkeley. Its very, very bad... And the only place the club I'm involved in eats at for all of their meetings.

[AArdvark]

That was BETTER than a video!

What, pray tell, is a pizza stone?



THE
ROCK TOPPING
AARDVARK

[RetroRomper]

What, pray tell, is a pizza stone?

A pizza stone, is a large ceramic surface that is placed in the oven wherein the unbaked pizza crust (or bread, whatever floats your boat) is placed upon it. Being a giant heat sink, the stone absorbs and distributes heat to the bread in an even manner, alleviating the "middle soft crust" issue. It also sucks in moisture from the bread, resulting in a crisper pie.

The material of the pizza stone is important: glass, ceramics of many types, masonry of one kind or another, have all been used to make pizza stones. I prefer ceramic, though what is more important is the placement of the stone in relation to heat in the oven. But stones can easily run from $30 to $300 and I have the feeling I've tried at least a hundred different configurations over the last few months.

I.E. A pizza stone is a time and money sink. Not that much different than JAMMA boards, arcade cabinets, SCII, or chocolate.

[Tdarcos]

I never ate the Celeste meatball pizza, I didn't know they had such a thing.

For years my meal of choice was the large Celeste Deluxe pizza, that was basically a little of everything. The computer rooms at the university were open 24 hours, so I'd take a pizza in my suitcase along with my various tools, and leave the pizza out, because it didn't matter if it thawed or not, it wasn't going to go bad because I'd be eating it the same day.

So I'd have bought the pizza perhaps around 2 or 3 on the way to the university, I'd show up around 5 in the afternoon, and I'd be working until maybe 8-12, or whenever I'd get hungry, then I'd go have my pizza. I'd put the thing in the microwave and even though the crust was soft, I liked it that way. A hot, soft pizza, yum.

[RealityCheck]

For years my meal of choice was the large Celeste Deluxe pizza

And we can all see where that has gotten you:

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

By the way, the worst Pizza on earth is "Pepe's Pizza," located near the University of California at Berkeley. Its very, very bad... And the only place the club I'm involved in eats at for all of their meetings.

All pizza in Colorado fucking sucks, so let me state that what I am about to say is relative. I'm speaking in relative pizza terms.

At my last job, we had "deployments." We didn't have any customers, but we had to "deploy" at 9 at night or whatever. So we'd get "Anthony's" pizza. It is terrible pizza, but for Colorado it is almost as good as you can do. (The best part is, they claim to be NY pizza. I wish they wouldn't do that. It's fine for out here, but if they moved to the state of NY they'd go bankrupt instantly.)

So whatever, we're at work late for no reason except that our bosses want to feel like they are running Fortune 1 companies.

Before I got shitcanned, they switched over to Papa John's. Papa John's, like every single chain pizzeria is awful. I can understand buying some Domino pie when you have $4 to your name in college. I can't understand why any adult would eat it. But that's the thing: given a large enough group of people, their tastes in pizza will be fuck-off awful, and eventually they will speak up and demand change.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I.E. A pizza stone is a time and money sink. Not that much different than JAMMA boards, arcade cabinets, SCII, or chocolate.

Delightful! I am glad you gave me the warning. I don't need another thing added to the list, but I may get a $30 pizza stone around Christmastime.

(I hate the guy who says, "I read that as." I don't want to do it, but what the hell: I read "SCII" as "SCSI" and I was momentarily delighted that we had a new poster I hadn't yet encountered who was making massive threads about SCSI cables. My heart aches for this man still.)

[Flack]

ICJ, have you ever been forced to attend a Pampered Chef party? The reason I say "forced" is that I've been to three, and all three have been hosted by friends of my wife, and I was asked (told) I would be attending. If I were single, I never would have gone to one of these things. If I were dating someone ... well I guess it depends if I were in the "I'm still trying to impress you" stage or the "Yeah, we both fart, so what?" stage.

So it turns out, if you attend a Pampered Chef party, and you eat the food, you are expected to buy something. I didn't understand this until I had eaten two plates of food and was then handed a menu and the person who handed it to me was like, "Hey Fatty, those brownies you had eight of? They were cooked in the pan on page seven, so you might want to pick one of those up." Drat.

If you're wondering, the cheapest thing for sale is a pizza cutter. They're $7. And if you're like me you're thinking, "Jesus Christ, aren't those a buck at the dollar store?" Yes, yes they are. And the pots and pans they sell for $569 are only $50 at Target. I'm sure there are some good deals in there, because what better business model is there for moving cheap cooking materials than Amway's, right?

So the second time I went to a Pampered Chef party, I was starting to get into it and after looking through the catalog I was like ... aw Christ, just get another pizza cutter. So I did, and it's sitting next to the original in the same drawer. I have no shame.

So on the THIRD Pampered Chef party I was like, "I'm gonna have to step up my game here because (a) if I keep spending $7 they're going to quit inviting me to these stupid parties and (b) I already have two pizza cutters," so I ended up buying ... A BAKING STONE.

Before we owned the stone, we cooked pizzas on cookie sheets. The selling point for me was that the stone absorbs flavor (or so they say) so that the idea is that you should never clean it. Cleaning it defeats the purpose. It's like a wise old sage that absorbs and holds in the wisdom of the ages ... if the wisdom of the ages are those little burnt pieces of cheese or rogue pepperonis that make their way off of frozen pizzas when you cook them. Point is, you're not supposed to wash them. For me, this is a dream come true. This is like selling underwear that gets cleaner the less you wash it, or a car that gets better mileage the more you drive it!!

I approve.

[AArdvark]

300 series stainless heats as evenly as anything that has ever burned my fingers at work. 302S and 314S is food service quality. I would cook on that just as soon as I would use a stone.



THE
MIRACLE ALLOY
AARDVARK

[Flack]

While probably true, I just couldn't justify a third pizza cutter.

[RetroRomper]

I would cook on [steel] just as soon as I would use a stone.

The stone is meant to duplicate (to an extent,) the environment found in a wood or coal fired oven. This means that not only does a stone distribute heat evenly, it is porous enough to grab moisture from the bread, slowly increases the temperature of the item being baked, and is simple enough to be moved for that oven "sweet spot."

Actually, I'll try a steel plate (305S or whatever) and get back to you about how well it works but I've had consistently good results with stones.

[Tdarcos]

While probably true, I just couldn't justify a third pizza cutter.

Perhaps I'm missing something, but they sell pizza cutters - a handle with a thin circular blade - literally at dollar stores, because I bought one there. And they're as little as $4 to $8 or more at Target Were you being funny or are you referring to some precision device that is considerably more expensive?

[Flack]

I explained the situation in great detail four responses up. I'm not retyping it.

[AArdvark]

it is porous enough to grab moisture from the bread

Ah, that would make a difference then.


THE
STONE THE CROWS
AARDVARK

[Tdarcos]

it is porous enough to grab moisture from the bread

Ah, that would make a difference then.

It's why whiskey is required to be stored in new, charred oak barrels. The whiskey will absorb a number of the chemicals from the burned wood, giving it various flavors. Vanilla is one I specifically remember occurring. And why there is a big business in buying the used barrels. After several years it works both ways, the barrels have absorbed a number of flavors from the whiskey.

By law in the United States the barrel cannot be reused for making whiskey. But it can be used for making products other than whiskey, and also is permitted in other countries, so some of Scotland's distilleries will often store their Scotch whiskey in re-used cooperage in order to absorb the flavors from the several years of the original use.

So I can see where the same thing would apply with a porous stone being used to cook something. It can be that the stone will release some of the prior oils and flavors that soaked into it when it is cool, then it would wick back some when it becomes hot. Or the other way around, I'm not sure which way the stone works.

I don't know, but it could be some stones will wick when cold and release when hot, and some will release when cold and wick when hot. That could be why some stones are more prized than others, depending on what you want it to do as far as the pizza is concerned.

[The Happiness Engine]

The point of a pizza stone is that a pizza oven is in the neighborhood of 800F. Your oven isn't. If you are trying to replicate a quality crust cooking it hot and fast is necessary. A pizza stone stores up a bunch of heat energy so that when you put the pizza in the oven it has at least a nice 450F stone to cook on, which is better than some hot air that's cycling between 400 and 475. This allows the bottom of the crust to crisp up without burning the cheese and toppings.

http://slice.seriouseats.com/archives/2 ... inale.html

Instead, have more fun and just GRILL YOUR PIZZA http://slice.seriouseats.com/archives/2 ... izzas.html

[Flack]

I have found that our pizza stone makes the .99 frozen pizzas I buy taste much more like the $1.49 ones.

[Tdarcos]

By the way, the worst Pizza on earth is "Pepe's Pizza," located near the University of California at Berkeley. Its very, very bad... And the only place the club I'm involved in eats at for all of their meetings.

All pizza in Colorado fucking sucks,

I was staying at my Sister's place in Denver during the summer of 1976. I think I remember how she was saying that the pizza you could get there wasn't very good then, either.

Plus de choses changent, plus qu'ils restent la même chose.

[pinback]

By the way, the worst Pizza on earth is "Pepe's Pizza," located near the University of California at Berkeley. Its very, very bad... And the only place the club I'm involved in eats at for all of their meetings.

All pizza in Colorado fucking sucks,

I was staying at my Sister's place in Denver during the summer of 1976. I think I remember how she was saying that the pizza you could get there wasn't very good then, either.

Plus de choses changent, plus qu'ils restent la même chose.

I disagree with all of this. We found a place that was good.

The rest of it was shit, though.

BUT it was all ten thousand times better than any of the pies you will find in Washington State, where fun times and good food go to die.