Thursday, March 21, 2002

[A Taste of Clash]

Another solid day of doing almost nothing at work. Got in around 11:00, dicked around for a while and then left at 3:30, off to the gym. Normally, I'd be feeling pretty good at this point. I had an easy day at work and then got out of there at a decent hour for once. I'll soon have the gym out of the way and then I'll have a pretty lengthy Thursday evening to enjoy. Except walking out of my office door today at 3:30, I was filled with nothing but dread, like when you know you're going to get punished for something soon, but you haven't gotten caught quite yet.

See, I had to meet my friend Jeanette later for pool and beers. I won't go into all the reasons why, but it is physically painful for me to be around her. She is the single most depressed (and depressing) person I have ever known. I mean, I could win $8 million, a new car and a dream home right next to a training facility for the Santa Monica High School cheerleaders, right, and after a five minute phone call (from China) with Jeanette? I'd want to end it all.

Now, the poor girl, I do admit that she's had her share of hardships in this life. She has experienced real, honest to goodness tragedy. More than once, in fact, so I don't blame her, really, like it's her fault or anything. I just can't stand to be around her for more than about eighteen seconds, and here I was going to have to spend a few hours with her. Ahhhhhhh!

For one thing, she is late for every single thing you ever do with her. And late by hours, not just a few minutes. So that's why I wasn't too worried when I didn't get out of the gym until 5:10, and I was supposed to meet Jeanette at the pool place at 5:15. I'd be about five minutes late, but I figured I'd be lucky if Jeanette showed up by 6:00. Turns out, she didn't make it by 6:00. What she did, though, was call me at 6:00, to tell me that she got a little hung up, but that she was leaving the office right this minute, and would be right over. Her office is only about five minutes away, so I thought I was getting off relatively easy.

Except she didn't actually show up until 7:30. Ok? 7:30. That's a long time after 5:15, when she first said she was going to be there, but it's also a long time after 6:00, when she told me she was about five minutes away! Oh, god, I hate her. Kill me now. I had finished my third beer by the time she arrived, so I needed another and plus I wanted to get away from her as much as I could, so I said, "I'm just going to run and get a beer. What can I get you?" Now, how fucking hard is that question? Sometimes I have to think for a moment, sure, if I'm trying to decide on beer or wine. Maybe a cocktail. But it never takes me -- and I'm being more than fair to her in my time estimation here -- SEVEN MINUTES to decide. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was nothing I could do to push her along, either, and believe me by minute number five I was almost at the point of grabbing someone else's drink, forcing it down her throat, and saying, "There! That's what you're having." First she wanted to know if they had any wine specials. "Do you think they have any wine specials?" she asked. I'm not sure I even know what "wine specials" are. "I don't know," I said, "let me run and see". I figured that would get me out of there for a few minutes, but it didn't work.

"Oh, never mind. Oh, wait, I had something the other day that I really liked. What waaaasssss that? I remember thinking, 'I'll have to remember this,' when I had it. It was one of those De Kuyper schnapps drinks. Did you know that the marriage between Petrus De Kuyper and Anna Custers in 1695 formed the official beginning of the De Kuyper family business? Petrus de Kuyper was associated with the industry via making wooden casks for transporting Dutch gin and beer. The current managing director - Drs Bob de Kuyper - can trace his lineage directly to Petrus and Anna. Isn't that fascinating?"

"Was it peach schnapps? It probably was. Let me go get that for you." I was at least five steps away before she called me back.

"Noooo. Not peach. I don't like peaches. I suppose for some people they are fine, but for me, they'll always symbolize slavery. There's a certain poetic suppleness in the peach that just says 'fascist' to me." I was smiling and nodding along, but I don't think I've ever prayed for death more earnestly. "When I was in New Orleans -- did you know I spent one summer there in the early 80s painting college dorm rooms with my boyfriend at the time? What was his name? Walt? Walter? Something like that? [And, yes, I DID know that because she's told me about fifty fucking times! As if it's interesting to tell even once.] I don't know if I've ever been more free than I was that summer in The Big Easy. That's what they call it, you know, New Orleans? 'The Big Easy'. It gets that name because everything is so sloooooooooooow annnnnnnnnnddddddd relaaaaaaaaaaxed down there. Nothing moves faster than a snail, suga', which then gets scooped up and served as escargot later that evening in an elegant N'Orleans eatery! Ha! I made a joke! So we used to sit on these lovely winding verandas, languishing in the soft southern evenings, watching the sun disappear beyond the bayou and sipping this drink called a 'Hurricane'. A rum drink I do believe. Do you think they have those here?"

Normally, nothing and nobody on earth could persuade me go up to a bartender in a pool hall and ask him to make a hurricane, but right at this moment, if I had to in order to get away from Jeanette, I would have asked him to make it and then serve it in a specialty souvenir glass shaped like a palm tree. On the house. "I'll be right back," I said, but once again I had celebrated my escape too early.

"On second thought." I heard those words and a searing pain shot through my left side. "On second thought, maybe I'd enjoy a dark liquor. Scotch, bourbon, whiskey. Don't you think it's terribly sultry for a woman to sip bourbon?"

And on and on it went like this. Do you know what she finally ended up choosing? Pear cider.

So then we played some pool and it was easily the most horrible hour and a half of my life. She thought I wasn't feeling well at the end of the night (which I wasn't, by the way) because I kept excusing myself to go to the bathroom. I was going into the bathroom an awful lot, I admit, but I'd just go in there and hang out for a few minutes, to get some peace. And to top it all off, the evening ended up costing me $45, most of which was table time because she was so goddamn late.

When we left, I was very very seriously thinking of just walking home, rather than having to spend another second with her, but it was about five miles to my house so I decided to endure another ten minutes. I looked around in the glove compartment for a knife or screwdriver or SOMETHING I could stick far into my ear canal, but there was nothing.

And that's it. I just got home about ten minutes ago. God. But it is good to get back home, so I suppose that I am now happy that I did not kill myself. I've got this nice apartment and I'll soon never have to set foot in Boalt ever again. I'm also getting in pretty good shape. I didn't eat very much today, for example, and I went to the gym. I've really been controlling my diet extraordinarily well, and also, as you know, exercising quite a bit. And I've tempered my intake of alcohol (though not for the last few days), and that *really* cuts down on the calories. You know, between all these factors, I wouldn't be surprised if I've lost a lot of weight in the last few days. Of course, I haven't weighed myself or anything, because I don't want to spoil the surprise on Sunday morning (when I weigh myself for the first time since "the contest" began) but I'll bet I've lost quite a few pounds, considering the legitimate weight loss techniques I've been applying, as described above.

[Monto Rusa Suggester]

n/t

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I have another suggestion.

BRING BACK MONTO RUSA, DOUCHEBAG.

n/t

[pinback]

Of course, Monto Rusa will be down forever at the end of next month, since all the equipment will be disconnected and thrown into Raiders Of the Lost Ark-style storage.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I'll watch Frodo for you.

Wait, how long are you going to be doing this? A year?

I can watch Frodo for you. But not indefinitely. And, besides, if you are going to spend a lot of time in one place or another -- South Carolina, you said, I think, but I don't know because aside from New Orleans and where Gerrit and Greg are the entire south sometimes becomes this huge area to me and my poor grasp of geography -- then you'd want him there with you, right?

I don't think you've really thought this through.

I do need a pet around here, though. I am talking to myself constantly now. It's getting to the point where I am starting to interupt myself now, too, and then I have to wait until I am done saying what I had to say and then consider whether or not it was a good, salient point or not.

So instead, saying, "Hey, Frodo, should I go down to 800x600 for performance, or be stubborn and stick with 1024x768 because, fuck, that video card cost me three hunny?" as opposed to how I am doing it now... well... that'd be an improvement.

Also, if any of you, say, have three cats, I demand one. I demand it!